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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2020 Challenge  ›  Lockdown - May OWC Moderators: Administrator
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Spqr
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Where did Paul and Rachel learn their parenting skills? Adolph Hitler's second book, Mein Baby?

I can believe some people who are unstable to begin with go batshit crazy under intense pressure and lack of medication, so I buy Rachel's breakdown. But Paul? His lack of emotion at the murder of his child, compared to his anger at having been placed on a vegan diet by Rachel, is just...crazy.

I actually like this story, but eating the poor dog is a bridge too far.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: May 19th, 2020, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Nice catchy over the top dialogue followed by a first page break question – thumbs up, we're talking

Upper half p2: this immediately derails? – wouldn't have thought

yeah, well, the eating dog/lab/meds part does not work as presented (too long and from the side)… for me

bottom half p3 good dialogue

It's risky. Not sure how it connects with the audience. Whatever, I admire you trust the audience to get this ending. It's pretty dark and subtle. I like your ambition.

All best



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 20th, 2020, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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Nice writing and dark. Meets the criteria for sure.

It just snapped the believability factor way too much for me. These guys seem to lose it and go bat shit (COVID-19 pun intended) so fast it's unreal.

Did he really kill and eat a dog or did he kill and eat a kid because there is no dog's body, just a kids body at the end. Regardless, there is a dead kid in the apartment and they admitted the killing There is no way they would just walk out and leave him, promising an investigation later!

I know some people are impressed with dark, edgy scripts but for me, they need to be bought into even more than a normal script as the audience has to accept the Nth degree you are taking them to.  This didn't do it for me, it was gratuitous for gratuitous sake. but I see the rest like it so I'm definitely in the minority here.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Well. go figure.

Sorry, I didn't understand this.

Did he kill the dog to eat it? You made it sound that way cause he does say he hates vegan shit, so it's like he wanted to eat and killed the dog. And it's an entertaining thought. It's like you're reading about completely disturbed scitzophreniacs who re not aware of it (surely). But I shouldn't laugh at the sick.

The thing at the end about the child - I didn't get it.

The phrase the man is hazmat suit said doesn't sound realistic after all the killings that's been done.

Seems like futuristic reality. I think it was supposed to be real stories about real people. I suppose for that reason real time would be the most relevant circa.

A dark tale but I think you can play it out better for it to be belivable.
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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As far as I get this, the man indeed killed his dog to eat.

His child went crazy( crying and screaming) as his dad killed his beloved dog. So in order to shut him/her up, he killed him/her.

As for his wife, she already ran out of her meds which keeps her sane from some sorta mental condition( I guess) and on top of that she lost her child and their pet.

At the end, hazmat guys just appear( don't know how, lets assume they knew about all this somehow) and take away the dead child to...somewhere.

The man is skeptical about her wife so just wants to finish her as well and maybe have another bon appetit.

That's what I get from this.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna

Seems like futuristic reality. I think it was supposed to be real stories about real people. I suppose for that reason real time would be the most relevant circa.


From Don, stories real or imagined inspired by the current pandemic.

I read this as something that could've happened if the pandemic had been ten times worse. Didn't the Chinese seal some families in their apartments?

One thing that has worried me during this pandemic are all the kids that are stuck inside with parents that are either mentally ill or drug addicts and alcoholics and such, so for me, this works. Dark as it is. I liked the little touch of Paul spritzing some Febreze into the air. Funny in an ultra dark way. I guess after four days, it would start to smell.  


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JEStaats
Posted: May 21st, 2020, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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That was unexpected. Ugh. Although well written, not sure I really enjoyed this one. The Hazmat response team sure took it all in stride. Just another day at work? Is this happening all the time? Lockdown or not, she would've been hauled off. Your logline states 'brink of insanity'. I think she's already gone off the edge.

Well written, just not for me.
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Rob
Posted: May 22nd, 2020, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the writing. Lean and mean. This is the Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf of quarantine scripts. The child in the bag sends this in all kinds of directions. I don't know what to think about this.
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