I think there needs to be some hint or clue as to how Vincent doesn't spot Toby at the start or vice versa...

But I did like the twists.

A twist with a twist.

Enjoyed this one and it seems the writer did too.

Mafia turned cannibal... nice

Good job

There's an vaguely interesting idea buried in the clunky and awkward action, but the only reason we'd feel anything is because we're supposed to feel bad for innocent women and children. The idea could probably be pulled off in two pages but I think it's too big an idea and suffered from the page restrictions.

Good effort.

Read this a couple of times but I’m still not on board with the logic of events or how Frankie ties into this (an unfortunate previous hitman?).  Not one to dwell on too deeply perhaps.  There’s a decent sting in the tail but it leans on the shock value and it’s all a bit too grim for my tastes. More my preference than anything else.

Okay, this was nice and gory and certainly was a twist, but I didn’t get it.  I’m not sure after reading twice who killed the family, and who the hell was Frankie?  It was definitely ambitious but a bit of a jumble in my opinion.

So, we have a guy, and his family that are (from what I gather) in the witness protection program, but when the jig is up and they’re coming for him (Vincent that is), Toby decides to take the pleasure out of the Mob’s revenge by killing his own family, and then making plans to go after everyone else?

Okay, got it. Few questions unanswered though, if the guys a cannibalistic psycho, why make a deal with the Feds and go into hiding to begin with? Why not just abandon his family that he gives two shits about and go after them from the get-go, save himself the headache of looking over his shoulder all those years. There’s potential here with the witness protection program family being found and chaos ensuing from there, but the whole Keyser Söze thing left me a little confused. Not bad by any means, just wondering if the cannibal thing is necessary to land the notion of how insane this dude (Toby) really is. Best of luck.

Of all the killer role reversal twists this is the only one I didn't see coming. Not sure it actually makes sense if you think about it too hard. But I did not see it coming, so gotta give you props for that.

Love the reveal. First script of the challenge I've read, and I think you nail the fundamental requiement with the twist.

Others have commented on the writing, and I do agree with that; I think the biggest issue was some of the dialogue felt jarring.

I sense it was a dark comedy, Fargo-esque vibe on dialogue, but that's a tough ask in such a short page count.

There is definitely something here, and with a rewrite and tighter grouping of tone and dialogue, it feels like something very filmmable.

A crazy little story there.  Had me thinking of that character from Usual Suspects that shot his wife and children as if he didn't care.

This was a bit of a confusing read for me. So Toby is faking the horror upon finding his dead wife so he can catch Vincent in the act? Only to reveal that he's keeping Frankie in the closet tied up... it was a bit hard to follow.

Especially these action lines:

He opens it, and tied and gagged, sits a wide eyed FRANKIE. He
frantically reaches for Vincent, who shoots him in shock.
Immediately afterwards, a needle plunges into Vincent’s neck.

Took me awhile to realize Frankie reaches for Vincent though he's tied up... and then gets shot dead by Vincent. Then Toby plunges a hypodermic needle into Vincent's neck.

Does Toby even have kids? haha or was that also an act?

Overall, the cannibalism was a left turn, needs a bit of clarity in the writing. Good effort, writer.

I wound up cutting out way too much of this to have it fit on two pages.

Essentially, it's Frankie's family in Witness Protection. Mob finds out where he is. Mob sends Vincent. But he unluckily chooses the same night a cannibalistic serial killer is in the process of murdering and eating them. He's tied up Frankie in the closet and paralyzed the wife and kids to have fun with. He's not scared or horrified upon finding the family dead, but disappointed that someone stole his fun.

Toby figures Vincent seeing Frankie in the closet would distract Vincent enough to give him the chance to paralyze him, then decides since Vincent stole his fun, he'd go have fun with Vincent's family.

The dialogue had to be to the point. Vincent could only have two lines at most, and I had to get across the mob sent him to kill Frankie's family and that he thought Frankie got plastic surgery ("Those Feds really did a number on you", I should've been more explicit) since he didn't recognize him.

I really appreciate all the comments. I only have myself to blame for cutting out lines and simply alluding to things far to vaguely. Thanks everyone!

Quoted from ReneC The idea could probably be pulled off in two pages but I think it's too big an idea and suffered from the page restrictions.

Nailed it.