Live Bait by Jean Splycer - A day of relaxation and fishing was what they expected, but that’s so not what they’re going to catch. Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology.  Short, Sci Fi, Thriller

Good story. However, I don't know about the girl's voice. It's robotic and glitchy--like a recording? And she looks normal, except for when she opens her horrific mouth and a metal shaft pops out. Why doesn't she have gills like the ink-black thing? I have to assume she's a cyborg, but how could that be a result of the pollution that created the other guy? These are questions that a longer script would answer, so they really don't detract from this story.

Cool idea. Monster was creepy and the bait was interesting. Although a bit confusing how it built that unless I'm missing something obvious. The ending too, not sure how he survives if he goes back in the water. But I like the potential. With a bit more polish I think you got something here.

A really well written story.

However, as soon as the "live bait" comment was made, I was waiting to see what kind of live bait would lure the fishermen in. Still, I liked how crazy it got with drills through heads and little girl's mouths opening inhumanly wide. I think that punch at the end would make me completely forgive the somewhat predictable setup if I was watching it. Maybe I wouldn't even have the fisherman talk about bait at all before it happens. Everyone will see the metaphor.

Regardless, really well done.

This was well written overall. The payoff lacked a bit of a punch, can't really put my finger on it. But I liked it. Simple, straight forward and effective.

-- Michael

Very well written. I pretty much saw everything you wanted me to.

The story to me was just okay - dude gets eaten by a lake creature. I would have like a little nuance I guess somewhere along the line - you know, he deserved it because.....

This was well told and I could picture it all. Writing put me right in the heart of it.

But, I don't understand the robot kid, it implies some kind of intelligence that I don't get from an inky lake creature. I dunno, didn't seem to fit. Without the parameters, making the bait not a robot would improve this I think.

Reminded me a OWC from a few years ago (Bessie's bait shop? Something like that)

Anyway, well done writer

Copyright 2017???
Nice wordplay with the title, though to be entirely pedantic neither lure was actually live. In a re-work, maybe something like "Better than Live Bait"?

Note to self: if a lake has yellow frothy stuff leaking from an inlet pipe, don't fish there.

Good job!

Seems a bit tricky to pull this off low budget but maybe? Simple effective story well told. The title gives the story away so I was expecting the girl to be the bait but a robot was a nice twist. It's hard to think how an area with killer robots on the loose for ten years is open and allows fishermen, but perhaps you could explain that more with more pages.

Simple and nicely written story. Nothing more to add. Good job.

Good little story. Another entry that I could predict what was going to happen by title and clues. Still entertaining, though. Decent writing, good visuals and dialogue.

The ending needs a little something more than a bird screeching. Maybe insinuate that now the bird is a product of the lab and is going to eat Ted?

Good job, writer.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Reminded me a OWC from a few years ago (Bessie's bait shop? Something like that)

That was mine. Ole' Bess' Bait Shop.

And, yes, this definitely plays in the same sandbox. A little bit uncomfortably. I'm sure it's just a coincidence, though.


I was confused a bit by the creature. The factory/lab and other clues set up a "radioactive" vibe. But, the creature is also mechanical. While I can see how that would be possible with your lab setup, for a reader it creates a feeling of inconsistency. I think you'd be better off leaning harder in one direction or the other. That is, eliminate the radioactive/pollution elements and lean into the lab. Or, eliminate the mechanical elements and lean into the pollution.

I like the concept, but the character intro's were flat and the girl quite confusing.  All we know about the creature was that it has a face and gills.  Was it a fish? Man shaped? Lack of detail on a critical elements are disappointing.

At the end I had the image of the fish way down in the deep that has it's own lure in front of its face, so with better application, this could be really fun, especially if the girl and monster were tethered, somehow.

Action lines can be cleaned up by removing the passive verbs and useless filler, leaving more room for important lines that will drive the story forward with greater effect.

Looks like you had room left to expand on what the lab had been doing that would have gave a little more backstory but I liked this story, well written and nicely visualised.
Well done.

Well written. Simple and effective if maybe lacking an entirely satisfying set-up and payoff.  Felt more horror than sci-fi or thriller - a little forced into place perhaps.  Entertaining enough if a little light on impact.

Live bait indeed.

Why did it have to be robotic? Unless that lab was into creating monstrous cyborgs, and there's no hint of that, the robotic lure doesn't make much sense. You should have just made it a mutated angler fish:

https://animalhype.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Angler-Fish-1024x576.jpg

Imagine that light as a little girl and weird sounds that vaguely sound like a human drowning, and the rest is just describing the monstrous shape and teeth below. Job done, and it's still sci-fi.

The writing is very good, the ending was a bit flat. I just don't buy the creature, but otherwise this is well done.

Like the idea here but the way it plays out doesn't quite ring true to me, I think it's the combination of some form of aquatic creature being able to create a very convincing girl robot/hook.

Good effort though.

Very interesting. This one is more horror than thriller, at least to me.

Not a bad script kinda knew what was gonna happen.

So the little girl was obviously bait and was some kind of hideous creature.

Straight forward but entertaining.

A good entry

Hi writer,

Comes around nicely with the live bait.

Really smooth and clean writing, and pretty decent dialogue to boot.

I enjoyed this one.

All the best.

So is this girl a result of whatever that lab was? Hmm. A 7 year old mutant girl who lives underwater? Creepy for sure but maybe a bit of a backstory is needed there...like they experimented on kids or something. A huge, mutant, 3-eyed fish I can see. Just not sure how or why the girl is there.

Or...the girl is bait? But again...why was she out there? How does an underwater creature get a girl to use as bait?

Obviously I'm lost. Sorry.

Well, at least this one didn’t suck as bad as my round one script.