I like that you tried to give us a reason to care about our man's demise. But, with only 4 pages to work with, I'd suggest just a little bit less on the front end.

That said, if you're going to miss, I guess it's better to miss on making your characters more relatable.

Very graphic idea, and I love that you went all in.

Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said.

My original comments seem to have somehow disappeared, I must have hit back or refresh ;-(

Anyway, I like this but it felt like a story of two halves, and personally preferred the first bit.

Seemed to me to be a lack of rational explanation for Aurek, so I found it jarring.

Technical opinion... I don't think you need TRAIN STATION on the line after the header where you tell us it's a TRAIN STATION

"I am the architect of your death," is my new favorite line.

I like the image of gunshots on a rushing train followed by a sack thrown from the train. Very cool.

We definitely feel sorry for Barney as he puts a pen through his hand and eye. Why is an ancient being so interested in inflicting cruelty via pen? I just have to ask.

Fun read.

Hi writer,

Well that took a turn.

Not bad, didn't mind it. Some of the dialogue could be cut and sharped up.

All the best.

Really loved this tale of a doomed protagonist that turns into a tale of our doomed planet. And I loved that you set him up as a decent guy. I'm nearing the end of my script reading and this is easily my fave. Would love to see it filmed.

This was pretty good. Fits the horror genre very well.

Writer,

This did t hit me as complete. Seeing a lot of this. A lot of these shorts do not tell complete stories, rather just pieces of something bigger. This falls into that category. While I appreciate the effort and the visuals you created, the story part - beginning, middle, end - lacks. But a decent start to something.

Steve

Jesus, that's  terrifying. Writing is good, a little awkward in the phrasing some places, but just nitcpicky. The concept is pretty awesome. One of the top ones IMO

This doesn't feel complete to me. It's like the beginning of something bigger. Something freaking awesome...but bigger. Feel like you ended at the inciting incident.

Writing is excellent. I hope you're inspired to expand on this. I'd definitely give it a read if you decide to.

Nice work.

Thanks everyone for the feedback, all fair and proper and looking over my story I can see where I can improve.
I originally condensed from 6 to 4 pages and cut dialogue and character development, but I can see now where I can tighten up more.
I wanted the end to be ambiguous, I tried to elicit a conflict between Barney and Aurek and have the reader unsure as to which way the tide would turn, would Barney kill his family or kill himself and give his family a chance to survive. I didn't quite manage that but I got halfway there.
Yes the dialogue was hammy at times, that's my bad, I can't write horror, bad guy, demon dialogue well and I may never will but it was fun trying.
Once again thanks to the community for the reviews and feedback.
O.