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Acolyte - May2 (currently 619 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:27am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Acolyte by Casey Jones - A train station guard waiting to go home is surprised by the last package of the night. Location: Train station. Object: Human body part. Short, Horror |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - May 17th, 2021, 9:30pm | | |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:19pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This is a great start but it's just unfinished. I'd be even more satisfied if it ended with 'To be continued' than 'Fade Out'. Quite a few punctuation and grammar faux pas but I won't count them too much against you, being a 72-hour challenge.
Good work - needs an ending! |
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Reply: 1 - 24 |
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Zack |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 2:28pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4501 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
This one is great. Mostly excellent writing. My only issue is that Aurek's dialog was pretty hammy.
Still, love the dark implication of the ending. Messed up stuff. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 4:24pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Ya know, I loved the opening two pages - really, really well done.
I thought the second two were well done
Yet
They seemed like they were from different stories to me - like the connection was too lose, or there needed to be a stronger link between the opening and closing - I'll re-read again later to reevaluate because i really enjoyed the writing. |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:07pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
As far as horror goes, this one has the tone and gore nailed.
The dialogue with family went a bit long for me, it could be trimmed a bit tighter. And then we switch to not enough detail for everything else. You tell us we see an Aurek, a demon, but no description for it. Same with scenes of horror, fire, death, destruction. It's cheating to tell and not show, this is still a screenplay.
This is a bigger concept than you could pull off in four pages, and it shows. The writing is decent, with some errors throughout but nice descriptions. The dialogue is on the cheesy side, particularly for the demon.
Oh, and watch your repetitions. I think I counted five uses of "light" in the first half page.
Nice attempt, it could be something with the space it needs. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I really liked this one. Interesting visual -- I assume the severed head was the stolen skull Barney read about in the news? And now it's fleshing out more and more as it has people do it's evil bidding. Very imaginative concept and execution. And Barney really seems like a good guy. I hated to see this happen to him. And now his family is in trouble.
Overall, good work. One of the better ones. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:41pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Loved it. Aurek is a nasty SOB. Hope Sarah escapes and is instrumental in his downfall. |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:46am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
The setup seemed too long for such a short, I get why you did it so the horror of him being taken over hits harder.
Question - If the audience sees flashes of light on a train as it goes past, will they assume it is gunfire if they can't hear it?
Solid writing, meets the criteria, just too grim for my tastes and reads like a darker version of The Mummy franchise. |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:12am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts791 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
I really liked the build up and writing of this one. I could guess that whatever was in the sack will do no good to Barney(anyone could, since it's horror). Good visuals as well. Really a nice read. |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:35am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Decent entry here. Nice set up (though could be trimmed a little) that's perfectly juxtaposed with how dark it gets.
Nice flowy writing too.
Well done. |
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Cypher99 |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:06pm |
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Posts10 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
A couple of the early lines could be combined to save space.
Char intro's bland, common in shorts, so just saying, but would still like some sense of style or personality.
Good opening dialogue, phone calls should use VO, not OS. OS is for a character being present, just not in camera view.
Lucinda (V.O.) (over the phone) Hi, honey...etc
Action lines can easily be tightened up. Lots of prose and passive verbs slow it down. Active verbs and better visual writing will add to the tension, which is there just not as much as it should be. The scene with the train going through until he sees the head were perfect conditions for strong writing to create a compelling image.
Dialogue fell apart for me on pg 3. Good concept, but hard to deliver in such a short time so it feels like shortcuts were taken.
Good concept, just too much to get across effectively in 4 pages. I'd love to see what can be done in 5-10.
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:25pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Page 1 - that’s a lot of lights…
Wasn’t really buying into Barney’s initial reaction in talking to the severed head.
Do we need to see it’s a severed head straightaway? Maybe see Barney’s reaction and then the voice for extra chills and suspense.
The VISIONS part feels a little too rushed through. Definitely big budget.
A decent little sting in the tail to end on as we imagine the horror to come.
Engaging enough but another one that feels bigger than the constraints can do justice to. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 7:35pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Packed a lot into 4 pages, obviously too much as we don't have an ending.
Well written and a good premise. Nice visuals.
Overall a good entry |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 7:05am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hi Writer
Quoted Text BARNEY NOOOOOOOOOO. |
That was cheesy lol I think I get it, some kind of past demon/deity or other evil force is trying to regain his body and former self and does so through the death of others. Aurek seems to be talking to him through his mind... personally I would have had a previous victim/acolyte turn up with the head (someone who has already murdered everyone he knows) to basically pass on the torch to Barney. As it stands the strings are a bit too loose for me to really enjoy it. Not a bad effort though. |
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Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 11:48am |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Took me a minute to get it but I think I'm just slow this week. So this is the missing skull he read about and it's killing people to make itself corporeal. I like that. Cool idea and pretty good execution. Ending was disturbing. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 12:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I like that you tried to give us a reason to care about our man's demise. But, with only 4 pages to work with, I'd suggest just a little bit less on the front end.
That said, if you're going to miss, I guess it's better to miss on making your characters more relatable.
Very graphic idea, and I love that you went all in.
Nothing more to add that hasn't already been said. |
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60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Reply: 15 - 24 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 4:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
My original comments seem to have somehow disappeared, I must have hit back or refresh ;-( Anyway, I like this but it felt like a story of two halves, and personally preferred the first bit. Seemed to me to be a lack of rational explanation for Aurek, so I found it jarring. Technical opinion... I don't think you need TRAIN STATION on the line after the header where you tell us it's a TRAIN STATION |
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Rob |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 7:32pm |
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Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
"I am the architect of your death," is my new favorite line.
I like the image of gunshots on a rushing train followed by a sack thrown from the train. Very cool.
We definitely feel sorry for Barney as he puts a pen through his hand and eye. Why is an ancient being so interested in inflicting cruelty via pen? I just have to ask.
Fun read. |
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Warren |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 8:54pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
Well that took a turn.
Not bad, didn't mind it. Some of the dialogue could be cut and sharped up.
All the best. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 10:57pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Really loved this tale of a doomed protagonist that turns into a tale of our doomed planet. And I loved that you set him up as a decent guy. I'm nearing the end of my script reading and this is easily my fave. Would love to see it filmed. |
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MarkD |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 11:39pm |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
This was pretty good. Fits the horror genre very well. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 6:36am |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
This did t hit me as complete. Seeing a lot of this. A lot of these shorts do not tell complete stories, rather just pieces of something bigger. This falls into that category. While I appreciate the effort and the visuals you created, the story part - beginning, middle, end - lacks. But a decent start to something.
Steve |
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Lono |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:58am |
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LocationCanada Posts94 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Jesus, that's terrifying. Writing is good, a little awkward in the phrasing some places, but just nitcpicky. The concept is pretty awesome. One of the top ones IMO |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 4:32pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
This doesn't feel complete to me. It's like the beginning of something bigger. Something freaking awesome...but bigger. Feel like you ended at the inciting incident.
Writing is excellent. I hope you're inspired to expand on this. I'd definitely give it a read if you decide to.
Nice work. |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 21st, 2021, 6:54pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Thanks everyone for the feedback, all fair and proper and looking over my story I can see where I can improve. I originally condensed from 6 to 4 pages and cut dialogue and character development, but I can see now where I can tighten up more. I wanted the end to be ambiguous, I tried to elicit a conflict between Barney and Aurek and have the reader unsure as to which way the tide would turn, would Barney kill his family or kill himself and give his family a chance to survive. I didn't quite manage that but I got halfway there. Yes the dialogue was hammy at times, that's my bad, I can't write horror, bad guy, demon dialogue well and I may never will but it was fun trying. Once again thanks to the community for the reviews and feedback. O. |
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