Second one set at a baseball stadium…

There’s a bathroom, but it felt a bit shoehorned in for effect.

All feels a bit too easy for Dale.  Maybe if he’d wanted to scatter the ashes and had been prevented from doing so you could have ramped it up a notch.  Given the character a little more to work with.  As it is, some nice touches of dialogue and the ending landed pretty well.  Just needed a little more meat in the set-up to make it feel more deserved.

Quoted Text He’s forgotten something, but he can’t remember what. He shrugs and leaves the bathroom. Beat.

Not the right way to do that. Try something like:

He’s forgotten something, but he can’t remember what. He shrugs and leaves the bathroom.

MOMENTS LATER

Also – not correct here:

STADIUM MANAGER
“You’re not allowed to bring an urn here”  ...
(beat)
is what I would normally say... but we have nothing going on today, and we thought we’d offer you a little moment during the seventh-inning stretch.

Also -you don't need quotation,marks on dialogue.

Story was kind of cute and I liked the protags dialogue.

Freakin' hilarious!

Seems like this was written for baseball fans. That's the one where they hit the ball with a wooden stick. I'm sure they'd like it.

Public bathroom's a bit incidental isn't it?
Sorry, probably bring picky.


...a pandemic level of fans.  

There's a lot to like here, if a tiny bit underwhelming. I'm on the fence cause the ending kinda killed the sentiment a bit for me. I liked him talking to himself the best - recalling what his dad would say. Bit more of that might be funny.

At least you didn't go the route where it all got flushed down the pipes.

Nice job.

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2017/may/02/mlb-ballpark-toilet-ashes-tom-mcdonald-roy-riegel

Hit and miss for me.

I got a few good laughs out of it. Leaving the urn in the bathroom the second time was a good moment. Talking to himself with his dad's words was another.

The ending didn't hit for me. I couldn't get past the idea that the stadium manager would never do that without knowing exactly who he was dealing with. I know it's comedy and I'm supposed to roll with it, but that made it hard for me.

Oh, and count this as a 2nd vote for Red Sox. The joke works better that way.

You might also want to consider just cutting the last joke all the way down to: Hi. Just to be clear, my Dad was a die-hard Red Sox fan.

Then, drop everything after that. Basically, you hit the punch line, drop the mic and leave the stage. It might feel stronger that way. Leave the audience to infer the rest.

Might work. Might not. But, could be worth experimenting with.

Thanks for the laughs!

Not a big enough payoff for me. I know baseball, sort of. So I get it, although are the Dodgers really a Yankees rival nowadays? I don't watch anymore but I'm pretty sure it was Red Sox. Maybe die-hard baseball fans will understand/appreciate this more.

Well written though and an interesting angle with the baseball stadium bathroom.

Enjoyed the writing here, but I'm not really a big baseball fan, so this didn't quite land with me.

Good effort that I'm sure others will enjoy more than I did.

Mr Bean, as you know doesn't speak. So more visual comedy would be required. I don't get the baseball thing but that's not your fault, it's mine, I'm not a baseball fan and know nothing about the game. Not sure what you're trying to achieve but I'm sure someone will explain it to me.
Well done.

Writer,

There’s a special bond between fathers and sons and baseballs, so that’s not lost on me. That said, this was cute and had a nice set up. I liked the end, where the reveal (Dodger fan) happened, but I think you took it slightly too far, or maybe in the wrong direction, regarding dialogue, after that. Still, ticked a lot of the right boxes for me. Good work.

Steve

Not enough of this actually takes place in the bathroom really, despite visiting it twice.

Kinda funny in places and well written.

Decent effort.