A Game With Dad by Un & Dis Qualified - An oblivious man brings his Dad's remains to a baseball game.  Location: Public Bathroom. Object: Urn of ashes.  Short, Comedy

Getting an error when I open this one.

Quoted from Zack Getting an error when I open this one.

Fixed.

Hi writer,

You lost me on the subject matter straight up, I know nothing at all about baseball and why any of it would be significant.

The comedy was also lost on me but it may land better with a baseball fan, or at least someone who knows anything about it.

I personally don't think the transitions bring anything extra to the script.

All the best.

I really liked this. Especially this line of dialogue:

DALE
“You’re such a klutz, Dale”...
“Why are you so awkward, Dale”...
“Stop taking the vacuum into your
room, we know what you’re doing in
there, Dale”. Pfft. Classic Dad.

Good stuff. The ending was a little abrupt, but I really liked it. A final "fuck you" to his Dad. Seems to have gone over some of the other readers' heads, but most Americans will get this. Definitely not low budget, but none of these seem to consider budget, so fuck it. Nice work, one of the better ones I've read.

-- Michael

So, I've been scoring these as I read because it's easy to lose track... but I don't see this script on the ballot.

-- Michael

Not exactly low budget.

The comedy didn't do it for me sorry.

It was creative taking his dad's urn to a baseball game, but the jokes were lacking.
Comedy is hard

Good job on entering.

It's like you were almost trying to make this a pisstake, but despite the big F-U to pretty much everyone, the comedy beats land pretty well in this. With the right actor, this could be pretty funny. It's all in the performance, and the script offers some meat for a comedy actor.

The budget is way out of control though, not just for the challenge but for this kind of comedy. Although you might be able to get away with some other stadium in the off season and stock footage of Yankee Stadium...but that's besides the point.

I like this one. It has a lot of potential as is, and a polish would only improve it. Well done.

Hey writer

Writing in this was great! flowed wonderfully.

I love how you built up this seemingly loving relationship, kind son giving his dad a nice send off - the leaving the urn behind in the bathroom was a nice touch.
It all built up nicely to the ending and his final two fingers up at his dad (I am not a baseball fan, never seen a single game. But from the context I assume Dodgers and Yankees are rivals and as a Dodgers fan the last thing he would want would be to have his ashes at the Yankee stadium)
So yeah, the ending would be funnier to baseball fans but it still wasn't lost on me.

Great work

It seems in this challenge, most are just ignoring the low budget aspect.

I know enough about baseball to follow this, I was even at a baseball match when I visited friends in New Jersey once. Well written, a good comedy actor could do a lot with this and all the beats land in the right spots.

My one bit of confusion is right at the beginning. He leaves the urn in the bathroom. The camera even focuses on it. Next scene he's holding (and talking) to it, so I thought this was a flashback that would build to the lost urn. However, it is never mentioned again in the script so I don't see the point of showing this.

Writing was pretty decent but this just felt flat for me. Not even a chuckle unfortunately. Still, you probably chose the hardest genre so well done for giving it a go.

Good luck

Nicely written but not a comedy. Maybe a dumb humor joking but not effective. Good luck.  

The transitions really threw me off. Wasn't sure if this was linear or not.

It certainly helped to describe him as a 'Mr. Bean' type. I could see him doing something like this.

That said, the comedy didn't really resonate with me as written but could be pulled off with the right actor.

Good work, writer.

I don't know...I thought this was pretty funny.

A couple of the transitions slowed it down a bit...but still, written well and entertaining.

Nice work!

Transitions not needed and actually confused me at first, wasn't sure if the bathroom was in the stadium or if it was somewhere else earlier in the day..

Couple good laughs and a fun punchline, which would have been better had the dad been  Red Sox fan to use their rivalry to bring more humor.

Action lines were better than most I read, but can still be improved with stronger verbs.  More often than not, -ly and -ing words are a waste of space.  Condensing these will give more space for more story or char dev't.

But I enjoyed it.  It seems we both took dad to the ballgame, but by dif means.  hahaha

Second one set at a baseball stadium…

There’s a bathroom, but it felt a bit shoehorned in for effect.

All feels a bit too easy for Dale.  Maybe if he’d wanted to scatter the ashes and had been prevented from doing so you could have ramped it up a notch.  Given the character a little more to work with.  As it is, some nice touches of dialogue and the ending landed pretty well.  Just needed a little more meat in the set-up to make it feel more deserved.

Quoted Text He’s forgotten something, but he can’t remember what. He shrugs and leaves the bathroom. Beat.

Not the right way to do that. Try something like:

He’s forgotten something, but he can’t remember what. He shrugs and leaves the bathroom.

MOMENTS LATER

Also – not correct here:

STADIUM MANAGER
“You’re not allowed to bring an urn here”  ...
(beat)
is what I would normally say... but we have nothing going on today, and we thought we’d offer you a little moment during the seventh-inning stretch.

Also -you don't need quotation,marks on dialogue.

Story was kind of cute and I liked the protags dialogue.

Freakin' hilarious!

Seems like this was written for baseball fans. That's the one where they hit the ball with a wooden stick. I'm sure they'd like it.

Public bathroom's a bit incidental isn't it?
Sorry, probably bring picky.


...a pandemic level of fans.  

There's a lot to like here, if a tiny bit underwhelming. I'm on the fence cause the ending kinda killed the sentiment a bit for me. I liked him talking to himself the best - recalling what his dad would say. Bit more of that might be funny.

At least you didn't go the route where it all got flushed down the pipes.

Nice job.

https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2017/may/02/mlb-ballpark-toilet-ashes-tom-mcdonald-roy-riegel

Hit and miss for me.

I got a few good laughs out of it. Leaving the urn in the bathroom the second time was a good moment. Talking to himself with his dad's words was another.

The ending didn't hit for me. I couldn't get past the idea that the stadium manager would never do that without knowing exactly who he was dealing with. I know it's comedy and I'm supposed to roll with it, but that made it hard for me.

Oh, and count this as a 2nd vote for Red Sox. The joke works better that way.

You might also want to consider just cutting the last joke all the way down to: Hi. Just to be clear, my Dad was a die-hard Red Sox fan.

Then, drop everything after that. Basically, you hit the punch line, drop the mic and leave the stage. It might feel stronger that way. Leave the audience to infer the rest.

Might work. Might not. But, could be worth experimenting with.

Thanks for the laughs!

Not a big enough payoff for me. I know baseball, sort of. So I get it, although are the Dodgers really a Yankees rival nowadays? I don't watch anymore but I'm pretty sure it was Red Sox. Maybe die-hard baseball fans will understand/appreciate this more.

Well written though and an interesting angle with the baseball stadium bathroom.

Enjoyed the writing here, but I'm not really a big baseball fan, so this didn't quite land with me.

Good effort that I'm sure others will enjoy more than I did.

Mr Bean, as you know doesn't speak. So more visual comedy would be required. I don't get the baseball thing but that's not your fault, it's mine, I'm not a baseball fan and know nothing about the game. Not sure what you're trying to achieve but I'm sure someone will explain it to me.
Well done.

Writer,

There’s a special bond between fathers and sons and baseballs, so that’s not lost on me. That said, this was cute and had a nice set up. I liked the end, where the reveal (Dodger fan) happened, but I think you took it slightly too far, or maybe in the wrong direction, regarding dialogue, after that. Still, ticked a lot of the right boxes for me. Good work.

Steve

Not enough of this actually takes place in the bathroom really, despite visiting it twice.

Kinda funny in places and well written.

Decent effort.