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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  A Crowbar To The Skull - May3
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LC
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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Another blood y hell response from me.   And another cautionary tale.

The slugs time-wise I think could have been a bit more definitive, kinda weird to read.

This was powerful though - especially with the woman he brings home, totally oblivious to his wife and her feelings - painted a good picture of him being totally unhinged.

He dies at the end, and knows he's on the way out.
Given that, his last words are unnecessarily brutal. I might have preferred he offered her the opposite sentiment.

Another memorable one for sure.

I'm just a bit on the fence as to this one's general audience appeal, but as an exercise in experimental narrative it
packs a punch and is well written.



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LC  -  June 4th, 2021, 5:24am
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stevemiles
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Smooth enough read but it all felt a bit flat in the end.  Perhaps it’s down to perspective - is this more about Bridgit’s story of losing Ben or Ben’s story of losing himself?

I think I followed this enough to make sense of it.  The structure bounced around a bit but it didn’t seem to matter too much where we were in time.  More about creating a portrait of a life before and after a traumatic brain injury though it did come across a bit too heavy handed in places with a tone that’s hard to place.  Started out like a gritty B-movie but shifted to touches of melodrama - maybe that's intentional?

The Phineas Gage reference could have done with a little more elaboration - that or cut altogether.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Lono
Posted: June 4th, 2021, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I liked this, I felt the sadness of who this person used to be and the monster they became, It's got some melancholy to it, Cisco is unresolved though, he plays a huge part into Ben's story but we don't know anything about him other then the guy that caused Ben's head injury, I like how Ben finally regained all his memory at the end, only for it to be too late, tragic. Not a fan of the title though, Think the material is pretty profound for something that sounds like the latest Neason flick, but that's just me.

Well done.
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