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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August '23 OWC  ›  No Life Without You, Rosanna Dreamer - OWC Moderators: Yuvraj
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  Author    No Life Without You, Rosanna Dreamer - OWC  (currently 514 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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No Life Without You, Rosanna Dreamer by Gary T Kohatsu (Abe from LA) writing as Jessica Candy
- Mobsters visit a nightclub performer about a debt, unaware that he is a practitioner of the black arts.  Short, Horror


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Don  -  June 26th, 2024, 12:59pm
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Interesting take with the ventriloquist bit. For some weird reason I've always found those things creepy. I think it's got humor and wit-- not the laugh-out-loud kind.

The writing and dialogue were excellent. Although I the interaction with Hector and Rosanna was a bit mushy and poetic for my taste, but it works here... another strong entry,

All the best,

Ghost


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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2023, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, a necro-illusionist!

I get the feeling this might run quite a bit longer than as written. Perhaps a Feature length is in order...

Just the right amount of Lynchian dreamscape v reality mixed with a good dose of Noir to keep me engrossed. Some of the dance/poetic sections could be edited a little or intercut.

This is a highly creative and very entertaining entry. Would lend itself well to a Sin City or Love, Death & Robots style of filming.

P.S. I'm curious about the Peter Gun reference.


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steven8
Posted: August 14th, 2023, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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I really liked that story.  Second one in the challenge that really felt like a Twilight Zone episode.  I feel very sad that he lost Rosanna.  Well told.  Very well told.

P.S. - I thought the transition from Rosanna the doll to Rosanna the woman on the dance floor was perfectly written.


34 - 0: Let's see if Accountability sticks this time...
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ColinS
Posted: August 14th, 2023, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Keep Believing!

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This is probably one of my favourite OWC reads to date. I love ventriloquist dummies, any story with them in and I'm totally in.

This was wonderfully written throughout, the opening scene with Hector, Lon and Rosanna, I thought was terrific.

My only couple of nitpicks -- Don't know why you used I\E for the closet scene slug and wasn't entirely sure of Rosanna's form in the final scene, she seemed very active for a dummy or whatever she was at that point lol.

Really enjoyed reading this one and would equalling enjoy watching it all play out on the screen.


"Some Day I'll Be Saturday Night..."

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kcranford
Posted: August 14th, 2023, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Agree with the Twilight Zone vibe on this.  I somehow missed the "Talisman" reference in my first read, so was a little confused at the end, but picked up on it my second read-through.  Really well written, and imaginative story here.  The fact that you got through the entire first verse of "Beautiful Dreamer" is definitely a credit!  Very nice entry - thanks for sharing!


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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: August 14th, 2023, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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This had a Twilight Zone feel to it. I could see myself watching this late at night.


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MichaelYu
Posted: August 15th, 2023, 2:30am Report to Moderator
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I took pity on Hector and Rosanna.  I liked the dream sequence part but disliked the sad ending. Rosanna is reduced to .....

Shakespeare said that a sad ending is better than a happy ending. We face lots of stress every day so I prefer a happy ending to make us feel better. Certainly, it's a matter of opinion.

Michael
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PKCardinal
Posted: August 15th, 2023, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Me reading..."sleeps a brunette ventriloquist dummy." Okay, now you've got my attention.

Then..."I'm a necro-illusionist." THIS is going to be fun.

And, it was.

Expertly written. Way outside of the box. My favorite moment was "You ain't even real."

My only nit is that the mob angle isn't as creative as the full idea, so it drags the overall feel just a bit. But, everything else was right on the money. Well done.

Paul


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
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Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 15th, 2023, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this, well written and very creative.

I think it might have lost me a tiny bit towards the end, but that's probably on me.

Good effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: August 16th, 2023, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer.

Very well written with a really unique and great story. Hector was a great, interesting character.

The relationship with Lon and the past event wasn't well fleshed out and the mobsters were a bit too cheap for this otherwise great story. But overall it was very enjoyable.

All the best


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Stoneyscripts
Posted: June 30th, 2024, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary. I 've only just read this. I thought your poetic descriptions were awesome. This has a lovely flow like a soft ripple upon a gentle sea, until a great white wave comes over the ocean and buries us in sleep.

For what it's worth I absolutely admire your gift for writing. A really enjoyable read and I could envisage the whole script without prejudice. Great work.


My Screenplays

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And many many more...
[/b]

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Miranda
Posted: July 4th, 2024, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MichaelYu
We face lots of stress every day so I prefer a happy ending to make us feel better. Certainly, it's a matter of opinion.

Michael


Indeed.

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LC
Posted: July 4th, 2024, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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This is a terrific script and will soon be featured on the SS Blog page, so stay tuned.  


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Abe from LA
Posted: July 8th, 2024, 3:11am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read, John. I appreciate the comments
and am glad you found the story enjoyable. There was a
lot of rewriting to reach this new story. It is the only OWC
I have rewritten.

LC,
I appreciate the praise and am looking forward to seeing
Rosanna paired with Colin Sharp's review and poster. He
is the reason I revised the story. So I owe Colin a lot.
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