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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Temptation - OWC Moderators: LC
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  Author    Temptation - OWC  (currently 227 views)
Don
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Temptation by Max Pipsy - Short, Sci Fi - A man and woman debate the fate of the world in a locked room.

Things are not what they seem. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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Luci is what Amendadiel calls Lucifer in the TV show of the same name, so I know where this was heading quite early on.

It meets all the requirements nicely and started to get interesting from about page 5 onwards, then kind of ended abruptly. I think if you ditch the pretense at the beginning and lay the cards out straight away, you'll have more time to explore the more juicy aspects.

What I thought was particularly clever was the idea that God was using Lucifer to thrust humankind back towards embracing Him more. This was clever and I'd like to have seen more like this rather than the food and boobs temptation. Don't get me wrong, that's classic Lucifer and should be part of it, just not the main thrust. Main thrust? Oooh, detective!

Good job, enjoyed this.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Fais85
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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Cool story.

A small typo on Pg. 6

MAN
When we first met, times where
simpler.

times were*

Loved the reveal where Luci comes out as Lucifer and things become really interesting after that. Well done.
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JEStaats
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely done. I wasn't sure where this was going but figured it out before the reveal. A lot of good banter but some dialogue (for me) was just a hair too long and slowed down a really good pace.

Reigned in should be reined in, I believe.

Is a religion/Christian based short considered Sci-Fi? Perhaps more drama? And the prompt...hmmm...things are what they seem.

Very good - enjoyed it. Good job, writer.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was okay. So much of this dialogue was exposition. Them telling each other things they already know just so the audience can play catch up. I like the themes behind all of this I just think this conversation would be different between two old foes who know each other well. It seemed to follow all of the parameters which wasnít easy, so cheers to that. The writing is quite good otherwise. You set the scene well. Nice, focused descriptions. Just a tad too much reminiscing about the past to make this one of my faves.

James.  


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greg
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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The writing itself I wasn't a huge fan of, to be honest with you. Much of the expositional dialogue felt very "on-the-nose," plus there was a deal of grammatical errors that slowed the read down for me (i.e. missing commas, run-on sentences, etc.).

The story was interesting. Once Luci got a name, I had an idea of where this was going. Good on you for devising this in under ten pages. That was very impressive! I liked what they had to say and the back-and-forth was solid. I just would have like less exposition and more 'natural flow," so to speak. Like, the Hawaiian pizza line. I laughed out loud at that. You just kinda threw it in there and it worked perfectly. Would have liked even more of that.

Overall, I think this concept was tough for an OWC, but I think you did a good job.

Greg


Be excellent to each other

Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  September 23rd, 2020, 1:34am
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eldave1
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Good effort here. A few spots where the dialogue was exposition heavy - but all in all a good read and an interesting premise.

I wouldn't have gone with the name Luci - it reveals the reveal too soon, IMO


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Claudio
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I think the writer has a good sense of the "natural rhythm" of dialogue. In general, the content of the dialogue was a bit too expository for my taste, kinda "on the nose."

Great descriptions, the scene was set well.

Typos:
p.g 5 "You're good health" - maybe I just didn't understand this line.
p.g 5 " Humankind have to..." - "Humankind has to..."
Sorry, I saw like two more, but I forgot to mark them.

Man has two longer monologues that are a bit hard to read, one on p.g 6 and one on p.g 8.

Overall, an enjoyable read, I liked the twist.
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LC
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Very nice. I agree with Claudio that you have a natural ear for dialogue.

Parameters met.

A few moments pulled me up - sometimes too lengthy responses when the shorter concise retort would have done the job in a more fluid and impactful way. Some overdoing it via dialogue at times to get a point across, but easy fixes with edits and the foundation is all here.

I havenít seen you in like ages. Like? Eh.
I'd personally delete the reference to the Kardashians - it tarnishes the sophisticated noir style you have going here. I'd be a little less specific with an example.

The all-caps is too much imho. Use underlining or Italics, but this is probably just a personal dislike of mine.
Few typos throughout.

The problem with using: BANG BANG BANG, I instantly jumped to it being the sound of gunshots, not someone banging on the door.

The pizza bit was a big iffy for me, and the final line didn't quite do it for me - a bit of an anti-climax.

Spruce this up after the challenge though and you've definitely got a nice intriguing noir that could be filmed delightfully in vibrant colour, or red on B&W.

Well done, Writer!


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irish eyes
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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More orphans than a scene from Annie! You can clean those up When you have one word at the start of a new line.

As soon as you used Luci I kinda figured it was the devil. You actually could have used Lucy and in that way throw it off a little depending on your intentions.

It was nice talking heads back and forth but some on the nose like you're quoting  book references and I don't mean the bible. Some dialogue seems long winded.
As far as sci-fi I'm not really seeing it.

Not bad and not great either
Good job on entering.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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I spotted where this was going early on, Luci as a name then confirmed it... but I'm not really sure it detracted from anything as it still worked well.

The dialogue worked overall, but I did think that it was written for the reader (us) rather than the viewer as they skirt around facts and history with no real reason to be so circumspect.

But a good effort and kept my attention to the enigmatic ending.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Spqr
Posted: September 21st, 2020, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Well-written scene about what a meeting between Luci(fer) and the Man might look like. The Manís unwavering belief that thereís nothing Luci can say or do that will tempt him to turn his back on heaven is convincing. And thatís the problem. The first time around, the Man lost everything, including his life. What does he have to lose, now? His life? Done that. The Man needs someone or something heís afraid of losing, or else thereís no story here.
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Rob
Posted: September 22nd, 2020, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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I like the opening dialogue best. It has an old school feel--Humphrey Bogart. The flirtation works well.

When we realize that this is a matter of good and evil, the speeches are effective, but there might be a little too much verbiage. A little goes a long when when it comes to the battle for the human soul.

Nice end. I love that pizza is part of the temptation.

I want to see how this turns out.
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mmmarnie
Posted: September 23rd, 2020, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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This was very cool. Really enjoyed it. Loved the noir vibe. Interesting back and forth between them. And really good writing. So smooth. Don't have anything to add. Just very nice job writer!!


ZERO tolerance for RUDE people.
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khamanna
Posted: September 24th, 2020, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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good job here but I think this would benefit from stepping out of the parameters. It's just heavy on the background story and because of that some of the dialog read heavy to me.
I think it would be much better iif some of it would be taken to another location and there will be more characters involved, not just these two.
It was still good.
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