Even Smiles by Billy Joe Bob Daddy Frank - Languishing for years in a torturous relationship, a resilient young woman has finally found her courage.  Short, Drama

Perhaps make Abby a touch older, considering she's been languishing for years? Yep, she could have been seventeen and a decade of her life sacrificed to this abusive oaf, I suppose.

I'm a fan generally of V.O., but in the beginning I wasn't too fond of the blatant style of 'telling'. It did grow on me though..

You're the writer, and a really fine one (based on this example), I might add. I just think it might have added to the reveal however, if you'd made her more slight and vulnerable looking at the outset - considering presumably what she's suffered over these years, and the shocking plot that ensues.

A fiery redhead steps out in tank-top and jeans. Her name is
ABBY (27).
Abby spits on the ground.

You need to show me this:Her lip is split in the opening description to justify her spitting, otherwise I just think - ooh yuk, not very ladylike.

He shoots up,
I really thought he'd just taken drugs...   'bolts upright, maybe? That might just be me.

Wow did not see that coming. Justice served. Packs a punch!

...I started blaming
myself. Hmmph. It’s the only thing
we ever agreed on.

Great line with a nice touch of humour.

ABBY (V.O.)
My light.

The only thing I'm not fond of is the title.
I think:  Looking to the light or: Towards the Light, might be better, but that might be just me.

Great job, Writer!
And you definitely met the brief.

Writer,

Good use of visuals here, and a quick read. I keep thinking you could have given us a bit more. Not much, but more. Maybe get into the back stories a little. Another page maybe. Still, a decent revenge tale well told. Good luck!

Steve

Writer, you created the ever-present dilemma...when enough is enough. The note says it all. I'm outta here. Now it it was a feature length film, the shotgun would've misfired or would've missed Dale. Then the setup would be Dale seeking revenge, not to kill her, but to keep her entrapped in the abusive relationship. Until the next time....when she kills herself.
Nice work, writer.

Writer,

Great visuals out of the gate setting up the crappy world Abby lives in.   I thought it was a powerful visual of her discolored arm hanging out the truck window.   I thought your title was fitting.   How Dale smiles, he believes she'll be back, and she smiles knowing the answer she gave him... Bye, Dale.  Lol.   Good job. I enjoyed this one.

All the best.

Hi Billy Joe Bob Daddy Frank,

Great writing here, apart from a couple errors, but you had me captivated from the beginning. I loved the VO, I thought it was fitting (I'm not opposed to telling instead of showing if it's done this way), and the way you paced the story was nicely done. It kept us wondering what was going on until the very end.

Abby setting up the rifle trap was a nice surprise. You met the requirements for this challenge well, too. With two more pages, I'm curious to see what else you could do just to fill in the blank pages a bit more. RolandJ has a good idea for a feature if you ever decided to expand on this.

Good job.

Sean

First off, well done. Good story.

That said, there are minor nits to pick in the writing. So, let's pick a few.

Her intro would read smoother if you just name her. "A fiery redhead, ABBY, 27, steps out in tank top and jeans."

A SLAP. SHATTERING GLASS should probably be an INSERT. But, as written, we get what you mean, so maybe not.

I agree with LC. Consider including the split lip and other damage in her intro. You can still leave the bruised arm for later. It's a good shot.

Others have covered a few other nits... so, I'll just stop there. But, you've got a nice short. It's worth a bit of cleanup effort.

You've also got a few real nice lines/moments:

"What you'd expect, given the shape of the outside."

Dale's smile is excellent. A real highlight. So much can be read into it. (I took it as just a small drop of respect for her. In his mind, she's finally shown a bit of spine. Kevin took it as a knowing smile: she'll be back. Or, it could be read as: the game is on.)

There are others, but those are two good examples.

Well done. Thanks for sharing.

Paul

Maybe that's how Thelma and Louise would have ended if Sarah Connor was in it!

Solid writing and a decent story. I didn't predict that ending at all!

Well done and good luck!

Well, that was incredibly well-written.  a pleasure to read.  not sure I'm on board with the ending, given that she's going to be either in prison or on the run now, but that's not for me to decide her future.  I think this is that of short that gets someone noticed and probably will get made.  Not much I can suggest here.  one of my favorites so far.  Good job and best of luck with it.

Hi Writer

Loved this one, a great atmosphere, characters and story.

Personally, I would lose all of the V.O. You tell the story enough through visuals so all of her dialogue is superfluous.

Great work

I liked this one, but I only liked it. These short scripts, I always hope for something to surprise me about them. The only surprise, unfortunately, is that she didn't blow up the house. Other than that, yeah, we knew what we were in store for. I didn't have a problem with the first V.O., but the others were redundant. I liked the actual writing for the most part and I liked that it didn't overstay its welcome. Best of luck with this one.

I think this one might have worked better without the V.O.'s. Still, this one is pretty good. Writing is top-notch, no hangups there. Challenge met. Great work.


&

Well written and very visual.

Conflicted about the shotgun, or rather I'm conflicted about it AND the note, do we need both?

But overall, very good entry.