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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2008 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Shut Up and Be Devoured Like a Man
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  Author    OWC - Shut Up and Be Devoured Like a Man  (currently 2620 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shut Up and Be Devoured Like a Man by Zavier Alvarez (Nixon) - Short, Young Adult, Horror - While trying to frame a school bully for murder, two young friends are unexpectedly plunged into a world of death and mayhem when the dead begin to rise. Now it’s up to them to warn their small community, but will anyone listen?  - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 31st, 2008, 9:11am
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GM
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Lewie,

SPOILERS!!!

This was actually more funny than scary. Some good comedy in here.

I think the two kids should have a problem trying to use the gun. For example, what if one of the kids shoot and the power of the gun pushes them back into a grave with a zombie? Lol. Just suggestion.

Interesting comedy story.

Mr. R.  
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BryMo
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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There are some good jokes here. But overall, ehh...I'm not going to say its not my taste, becuase it is. But, and i say this hesitantly, i feel maybe it wasn't executed as great as it could've been. Seems like a wonderful first draft, maybe fifth...But for a final product im not sure. Here's why i feel that way.

You've got this whole funny thing going as two guys are in the face of death, literally. And its great. But maybe try wording their dialogue differently to get more of an effect. I should point out where actually, becuase your ending is funny enough. It's probably what i would say after all that. Not that i would ACTUALLY DO what they did.

I say reword the beginning. When im introdued to them, at first i didn't like them. They talked as if they were wise guys trying too hard to be funny. But mid story to end, it came off naturally.

I dont know if something like that could be taught, but you seem to have it anyway. Good job! Funny night in the light of death.

-Bryan.


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MBCgirl
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one.

Just a few problems with they, they're, their use in the story.  I liked Reggie and Oswald.  They ahd a humurous relationship and played off of each other well...

I think the story could have been a little better...like maybe they weren't robbing a grave to set a group of "preppy" guys...but maybe they were going to use a body to set up and scare people with....something a little more innocent...I assume they are not yet 16 years old.

I know kids grow up more quickly today, but I think there was too much that was over their heads...

Overall though...I think there is a good story line here and love the placement of the title in the story.

~m~


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When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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jayrex
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi there,

I thought your story was comical and I hope that was the intention.  You should have Reg & Os play a pratical joke by digging up a body rather than frame someone for murder.

You start of with a slow zombie, then suddenly another zombie is quick, which is it?  You have some nice dialogue & descriptions mixed with some odd lingo.  Some spelling mistakes, but we all have those.  My God, I just notice one big one in my script.

Another question, how can someone drunk kill so many zombies?  This does sound like the making of a comical short not to be taken seriously.

And another point, when Reggie asks why they're all coming back from the dead, Jaspers response sounds like zombies have been rising from the dead for a while, going by public opinion.  Doesn't sound quite right.

Overall, an interesting comical script, not to be taken seriously.

All the best,


Javier


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Some solid writing here, but mostly alot of nothing.  Obviously intended as humor, not horror.  For me, the attempts at humor mostly didn't work though.

I don't like the opening descriptions of our protags at all.  No age or descriptions given.  No clue what their age is supposed to be, but based on what they're doing and their use of guns, etc, makes them come across as much older than they probably are.

Didn't really like this too much because there's just too much talking and attempts at humor that really weren't very funny.  Not at all original either.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Tommyp
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good read. You are a great writer, it really flows well.

As said earlier, it doesn't seem like the finished product.

Good work.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: October 19th, 2008, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad but for me it’s a bit too flippant without being quite funny enough to get away with it.

The nuclear power plant causing mutations, there’s a classic horror theme if ever I heard one.

“No way, this isn’t happening.” – There are many times in this where they over talk, and this is an example. I guess it’s judgment but to me the last part of this comes across without having to be said.

Oswald and Reggie could use more distinct identities. As it is they seem like the same character in duplicate.


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stebrown
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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This seemed more like a comedy than a horror. I mean, they don't seem too scared do they? I think the above comment by Mr Whitcroft sums it up best 'too flippant'.

The dialogue was pretty good but this just seemed like a vehicle for you to tell some jokes. I did find it funny but I don't really think that was the aim of the challenge.

Very well written though.


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dogglebe
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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I thought that the dialog was the weakest past of the script.  It seemed very artificial and forced.  There also wasn't much flow with it.  After a couple of lines of dialog, the subject changed.

The scene with the preacher and his congregation was completely unrealistic.  Reggie blows holes in apolice car and everyone thinks someone is paying a joke on him.  This might work for a comedy, but not horror story.

And the line and Oswald somehow acquired a handgun made me do a doubletake.  You have to show him getting the handgun.

The script had a couple of funny lines, and the ending was cute.  But the whole thing seemed to be something you yped up and submitted without looking back at it.


Phil
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Shelton
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this script, with the exception of their reasoning for being in the graveyard.  Framing somebody for murder just seems a little too...out there for me.  I think you would be better served if they were simply in the midst of trying to pull off an elaborate prank to get back at the bully.  Something like a good old fashioned scare instead.

Quite a few typos and grammar errors in here.  You definitely need another run through.  I would also suggest making these guys just a little bit older going forward.  The dialogue didn't really strike me as being spoken by mid-teens, which I assume they were.


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walford
Posted: October 20th, 2008, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Horror/comedy can work eg (Shaun of the dead) and you do a good job of it here. The interaction between the main characters works and they play off each other well. The story has to be a bit ‘off centre’ to work and you have achieved this. I liked your thinking of adding a little extra to each bit of dialogue to bring the comedy out which contrasted well with what was going on at the time.  Not sure what the quick shop is referring to. I liked this one the most so far and would be interested to see what you can do with a OWC on comedy - walford
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mcornetto
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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This one was brilliant at times and at other times it was a bit slow.  I got a couple of laughs out of it, but it was way too chatty. I would cut down the amount of dialogue.  Also, occasionally your characters kind of sounded the same - I would work a bit more on their voices.  Good job. I really liked it but it could use some editing.  
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bobtheballa
Posted: October 23rd, 2008, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I didn't really like this one; the dialogue sounded way too fake and forced. The dialogue didn't sound natural, but more like it was written by someone trying to be funny. Obviously this wasn't very scary, though I don't think it tried to be. You had the hoax and two kids trying to convince everyone it was real, so that's a plus.

In my opinion, the whole thing was kind of a cliche, with the most interesting part, framing someone for a murder, mentioned briefly then cast aside.

Obviously this one was supposed to be a comedy but I didn't think it was funny enough to get away with circumventing the OWC theme.
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RJKohler
Posted: October 24th, 2008, 2:33am Report to Moderator
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I thought it was an honest effort. Regardless, this was one of the few scripts that actually followed the OWC rules, so props for accomplishing that! A task that I did not meet!

I am going to side with bobtheballa's response to the scripts dialogue; it was far too cliche, and it was almost like I was reading from, "How to portray characters as silly, one sided, yet predictable clowns."

A mediocre read. Try reciting your dialogue out loud next time, or grab a buddy and do a couple readings.

Cheers!

R.J.Kohler


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Projects:

Mahogomy's Children - Feature, Horror (Outlining)
Our Last Days as Children - Feature, Drama (Free-writing, Outlining)
Colorblind - Feature, Drama (Writing)
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