I wrote this before I looked at the comments, so pardon me. I will read it when it's reposted. Meanwhile...

I was quite amused by the title page. It's not often that happens. Where is Barbie?

p2 - dteesed? Teased by a d. Perhaps a tenacious one. You need a proofreader.

p3 'I ant to talk to you'. Jeez, was this written on a bus? Perhaps you needed to go to the toilet as you wrote. Either way, it's making hard to read.

p4 'Rebecca swipes a butcher knife from a rrack.' Rreally. I'll stop pointing out errors now as it's getting silly. I think a gerbil must have been taking runs over your keyboard as you wrote.

I was persevering until about page 7, but by then I had no idea what was supposed to be going on. A shame.

R

Just as Rendevous stated in his first line.

So, I alter my comment with knowing now:

I read every word of the script as I probably will of the rewrite.

To say something about the ending as you asked for: the last picture was funny in a positive absurd way

I read through to the end. You've already got the typos so nuff said.

The story itself is solid.

Jill wrapped up in the morgue - nice.

I wanted something out of Ken at the end - a look in his eyes - a groan - something that just lets me know whether or not he is there.

Don't get discouraged - there is a solid framework here for a rewrite.

Okay.  Spoilers follow - as needed.
Do I think the premise generally could work?  Of course.  And it's worth revisiting this at your own time.  It's yet another Frankenstein twist for this challenge - and it could work well, onced polished and revised.

A few things. MAJOR typos.  To the point that it's frustrating.  I know that everyone works at breakneck speed with these things, but there's always a read-through and spellcheck.  For instance:

P 2 dteesed up (typo)
p.3 I “ant” to talk to you
p. 3 “Tebecca” leans
p. 3 *20s)
p. 3 I;m
p. 4 rrack
p. 6 I had to ct fast
p. 6 ytamples back up the stairs
p. 6 foe one reason
p. 7 REbecca
p.8 ynwraps

Otherwise: for me, the writing was too stacatto.  I know that's de rigeur in some circles - but it was too much for me.  The dialogue had potential, but could've flowed a *bit* smoother.  

And the story?  The action and scenes could be extremely trimmed.

But if you do all that?  This COULD be a fun little sinister story.

Cheers,

--J (W)

Well DJS,

Quite obviously you were experiencing a few probs, computers and all...I've read your stuff before and it never came out with typos like this so we shall (well, I will) put it down to technical difficulties.

The logline sounds solid. Good luck with the rewrite.

Revision is up.

Darren, giving this one another read.  

You forgot the DAY or NIGHT thing in your first slug.

JULL - typo

Ok, lots of typos I see, so I'm going to skip those and just look at your story.

Interesting with the worms. I wonder why Rebecca did that?

On the observation deck, is a new scene, but you do not tell us who is taking pictures and having fun. I'm assuming Jill and Ken, but any new scene needs to tell us who's in it.

A cell phone rings and Jill pulls out the cord?

Interesting bedroom visuals.

Maybe mention that she answers the phone.

Her right hand explores paradise? My mind immediately went south, but maybe that's not what you had in mind here. It's a little confusing because Rebecca's actions don't really go with what we've seen of her prior, IMHO.

Didn't quite get the sandwich under the cadaver.

Who's the body on the table? Ken?

Rebecca mounts Ken? Is he really capable of doing anything, even if all he has to to do is lie there? He seems a little out of it, if you ask me.

I think you have a story here that could work very well, but it still needs work. Lots of typos still.

The story itself is simple enough. Rebecca can't get over that Ken is now with Jill. She's absorbed with jealousy and revenge. She wants Ken back no matter in what shape or form. That works. You also have some creepy visuals. I like that. Mannequins and clowns! The biggest issue for me is probably that Rebacca is such a complete psycho, that I have a hard time buying her as a doctor.

About the writing style and it being staccato. I personally prefer that over the style you played with in the last or maybe it was the one before, where you had a lot of unfilmables and such. That style works when done really well. If not, it becomes annoying. Staccato, might not be everyone's favorite style, but at least it zips by and offers a fast read. That's what I do.