Fairview Plantation House by Sourcake - Short, Horror - A bride finds out the location of her wedding is haunted by former slaves who were tortured there. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

First one...

So I'd put DREAM as a line beneath the Heading, wedding ceremony is a bit funky as a location and no real need to capitalise the song title, quite a bit of caps tbh - imho of course.

Second scene and Cassia is sitting next to Sally so she shouldn't be (O.S.)?

Having characters talking, then with no additional action they carry on talking, but on a new line with (CONT) doesn't feel like the right formatting as there's no indication of a pause in the dialogue.

A black slave character called Tom, can't work out if this is an attempt at humour, unintentional or intended - not sure what to make of it.

Not totally convinced with some of the dialogue or if Casia's presence has activated a curse or not. But Sally's death is left field and made me laugh.

Faint should be Feint in this context i think.

The image of everyone inflating and exploding is funny, but given the slavery theme maybe there's a more appropriate death... like whip marks appear on their skin until they are flogged to death.

Overall a decent effort, I think it needs a polish and the dialogue format a review, but I did like it

EDIT: Oh, and I also see ne reference to a midnight countdown or similar.

Just didn't work for me. Too much exposition in the action, and dialogue needs work. Perhaps it needs more pages to set up properly. Ironically, horror is not my forte, so take it with a grain.

Wow.  Just, wow.  The way the dialog was divided up confused me at first.  Pretty sure it should have been interspersed with pauses rather than a new character heading.  The ghosts of the past will destroy you if you try to play hardball.

This definitely has a first draft feel to me (naturally, considering the challenge!), which hampers the read, because I found myself skipping.

That said, there's a very clear undertone in terms of race, legacy and the contemporary discussion around these issues.

I imagine a good amount of thought went into the themes, and the actual writing itself was quite rushed (could be wrong).

Needs an edit and rewrite, but then you already knew that.

The imagery conjured up as I read it was Ready or Not, which is a film I liked.

This was a bizarre tale that I enjoyed. I was just baffled at the reactions of these people seeing these ghosts and having conversations with them.

Beyond the mistakes in the script, I enjoyed the story and the visual of people exploding certainly put a smile on my face. Like Andrew said, Ready Or Not came to mind.

Sean

I feel as if this story wasn't fully thought out before writing. It gives an impression of just a random idea that wasn't crafted well to suit the narrative. This could've been written way better if some time was dedicated to the idea beforehand. Sorry, it didn't work for me.

Good luck.

That first scene had me really engaged, it was a cracking start. Where was this gonna go? I thought.

However, the introduction of Tom confused me. I became unsure of the tone - The way Cassia and Sally casually conversed with this apparition, I thought maybe it was a comedy or tongue in cheek? But the narrative seemed pretty serious. I think I'm still unsure

Also 'TOM stands behind her' was a weird introduction. I think it needed to be the other way around - 'A ghost stands behind her, eyes gouged out, they knew him as TOM'

I do like the undertone of your story though. Ill-treatment from the past coming back for revenge in the present. Reminds me of 'The Fog'. And l love that film.

Good luck.

Keeping with my theme of positive reinforcement - I liked the theme of retribution for past wrongs....the victims coming back from beyond to exact revenge...at the very scene of the generational crime. Also the use of the character "Tom" seemed apropos.  Very novel and creative.  I did have a little trouble with all the "exploding bodies" LOL, but that's just my own hang up from someone who writes "and they all lived happily ever after" stories.  Good job writer and thanks for sharing!

Ahoy writer,

Um, Ok, my 2 cents: I get it, your underlining message was there but my biggest concern here is that the dialogue...just a tad too much OTN exposition delivered with a hammer. I know I'm the proverbial pot calling the kettle black here because we struggle with dialogue too. You need to hide or at least camouflage some of the exposition.  

Anywaz, overall competent but could have been much stronger. Best of Irish luck! -A

I think the story idea is clever, and better written is some places than others. In fact, I like the premise very, very much.

Allow me a "what if" for your consideration if you are going to continue to work on the script:

-  When we realize the first scene is a dream, at least for me, I think, OK, so that's going to really happen at some point in the story...and I'm just waiting for it.

-  What if you don't have that scene, AND, there is no warning about the curse in the make-up room, UNTIL the actual wedding procession itself.

-  So, it might be much more shocking when Cassia is escorted down the isle that one of the ghosts appears among the guests, and then another, and another in the many pews, and the curse is reveal then.

- With the spirits of slaves past, a life and death choice then has to be made: escape or stand your ground no matter what...and in the midst of all of that are the bursting bodies, splatters of blood, hysteria and the bride & groom debate, and so forth.

Good job getting the Fairview Plantation House here for all of us to consume!

Clear Tarantino vibes in your opening, and very nicely done.
Maybe even a Jordan Peele vibes as I read on.

I hope there's not a question mark after Jackson's first mention because the Bride is not certain of his name?

Bit confusing as to who's addressing Tom in the beginning...
All Tom's dialogue bottom of page 4 should be one stream, not broken up.

Eww, needs a little more segue before Sally meets her untimely (implosion) methinks.

Sins of the ancestors visited upon the current generation. Okay, good call.

Cassia nearly bursts into tears at the mention of Sally. She
takes a big breath before trying to talk again.
Take out 'nearly'.


And here:

as she starts marathon
running

Just describe what an audience would see. Take out 'starts'.
Suggest runs or sprints down the staircase.

Before we got to the actual Altar I had no idea there were other people congregating for a wedding. Some mention of parked cars, flowers adorning the outside area etc., needs to be included in description otherwise to me (at least) it appeared Sally and Cassia were in a vacuum, or that this was the day before the event.

I swear to
god I’m telling the truth.

This line above, should come after this line:
JACKSON
Killed Sally?

CASSIA
The ghost is trying to kill all of
you.

Going to kill all of you? Might be more definitive a threat.

The appearance of other ghosts of the past standing alongside Tom is a great visual.
I think you need to put a number on it though. Countless?

Hmm, so Cassia is spared because she spoke out in support of the slaves of the past.
The ending is a little too abrupt for me.
The premise is cool with the haunted plantation mansion.

The bit you're missing imho, is the lifting of the curse before midnight, some sort of race against time to resolve this in a more satisfying way. Nothing wrong with a cautionary tale on its own but I think a big story such as this could have done with an extra two pages, and actually might warrant developing into a feature. Plus Cassia does little but warn the others so doesn't actually help free Tom as such - as he just kills them all. Nobody really sees the error of their ways on behalf of their ancestors so lesson not learned.

Like I said, a haunted plantation home is a really good idea, I just think some gaps needed filling in, and the possibility of redemption through contrition and action shown.

Good job, and keep going with it.

P.S. Lew gave you some nice suggestions re structure, first appearance of the ghosts & clever visuals.

Writer,

So, I don’t know if you were going for horror or social commentary or both maybe. Either way, if this isn’t a dream and Cassia wakes up then I guess I’m pretty lost. I get the story, but I’ll just say it didn’t work me and leave it at that. Good job getting an entry in!

Steve

Hmm, I must pay closer attention.
I read the first scene as prologue not dream.

I love when stories have some deeper meaning than what we first see. Social commentary is great when woven into a story, unless it's lopsided and only present one side. Then it becomes preaching. It wasn't preaching in this script, imo, so good for you on that. In my opinion, what brought this script down from it's potential was some of the dialogue and confusion of what was going on. I honestly feel this premise has great potential, but it needs more space and depth to deliver on its full potential.