Phreaks by Allegra Chicken - Short, Horror - New to town, a teenage girl in the 1980s is introduced to phone-line hacking by neighborhood kids. What starts at bizarre fun soon becomes cursed.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I think the opening Phreakers explanation and the year, 1985, should be as SUPERs

REMOVALIST never heard that usage before, an Aussie phrase by the look of it.

Second script I've read that has a URL for reference in it, is this a new thing, same writer or just in this OWC?

One of my ideas for this OWC was a Party Line type thing, glad I didn;t go with it!

I think there's a logic gap here, If you don't know the number then Phreaking it is purely luck, and there's a lot of number combinations that would be unconnected lines.

Typo 'Landine photo'

Another one where the curse itself and the midnight countdown are less than obvious, and this one petered out at the end for me.

But I think there's something in this with some more work.

Poor Patrick.  I wonder what it's like 'Where the bones are made?' - Not really.  Yikes.  

This one creeped me out.  In kind of an '80s Twilight Zone remake kind of way.  I turned 15 in 1980, so I can see it in my head.  Very good.

Poor Patrick.

I haven't read any other reviews of any of these.  I'm reviewing 'blind', so this may be a repeat, but I'm sure you meant landline phone, not landline photo.

Writer,

Okay. Not sure what to make of this one -- another good premise that, in the end, wasn't delivered upon. At the end, I'm not sure why we would think all the ringing phones were for Jenna. Oh wait, you told us on the last line! In a film, I just don't see it. Anyway, it's well written, but just didn't work for me. PS -- I'm gonna get right on looking up that link you included!  

Steve

I think you get the maximum from this story with the way you've written it.

I do feel the end needs a bit more of a punch (or at least a more clearer sey up to pay it off), but the imagery of it is actually quite strong, and I think that would translate well on screen.

Ahoy, writer,

Ah, why not. Here's some of my own...I thought it was going pretty well up to the end. I had to read it again to try and sort it out. I think I've got it now. At least most of it. Admittedly - you do have a solid story with a clever concept at the heart of it, but methinks you should re-think the ending.

Anywaz, I did like it for the most part. Best of Irish luck! -A

Appreciate your starting off with the definition of "Phreaks".  That's a new one on me.  And also thanks for the "throw back" for those of us who remember land line phones LOL.  It also made me remember having a "party line" phone as a child and listening in on others' conversations - we got punished for that when caught and fortunately it was just an old lady down the street - not Satan himself!   The story is well-written and chilling, you kinda know there isn't going to be a happy ending....but then this is a horror story, right?  I agree with the previous comment that it has some "Twilight Zone" vibes and in my mind that equates to a bit of chilling, spellbinding story-telling.  I wish the end would have been a little more telling, but it's pretty cool as it is. Thanks for sharing with us!

I liked the setting, tone and mood, and minus a few fast-typing typos, was well written. (photo/phone) But the ending really let me down.

If it is intended to be a twilight zone type script, then I think we should spend time in the twilight zone. Not spend 10 pages just to get to its door.

Allegra Chicken,

Spooky story here. Spookiest I've read so far. Loved every bit of it, and really great idea.

Don't you want to see where they make bones?

Spooky!

Great job.

Sean

The setting, tone, and the atmosphere are nicely created here. I liked the concept of the Blue Box used, works perfectly. The writing's also easy to follow and quick to read. The only thing that bothered me was the ending, it felt incomplete to me. Like I wanted something to happen. Jenna did what was told to her through the phone and it's fair to say that Patrick's dead (although I'm not sure). But then why she was tormented again at the end? And it just ended like that. Maybe I didn't get it.

I think a solid ending would've notched the story a lot.

Good luck.

There have been a lot of kudos about the writing and story telling up to the ending. And I agree, very clever, clear and fun writing until page 10.

I understand the story and tension, everything until at the end all the phones are ringing. If the call is for Jenna, why are they ringing in all the other homes?

So, in the spirit of writers sharing ideas, may I offer something as though  all of us are in a writer's room?

What if Jenna's Grandmother has moved in and lives with them, and Jenna is named after her Grandmother, Jennifer. This could easily be set up as an aside early in the story.

On her way home, there are no other phones ringing in the neighborhood.  

But as Jenna is going inside her home, the phone rings and Grandma answers it.

The Voice asks, "Jennifer?," Grandma says, "Yes, who is this?," and she drops dead to Jenna's horror.

Creepy as hell. Kudos to you for that.

I think you could do way more with the story though to give it more clarity and a more satisfying denouement.

The bones are all there though.

All the descriptions written are top notch! I really liked the open visual especially. The premise is unique and interesting. I found the phone calls genuinely creepy, so good job. I think you did great, good luck!

Some typos here and there, but I didn't care. I think you captured the look and feel of the 80s and I liked the premise. The ending felt like you ran out of time and had to just end it. Too bad, because I really dug it until then.

Im sure 1985 could be written as a SUPER at the start and not every heading.

HANNIGAN Hey. Freddy. Nice.    Pretty sure Jason wore a Hockey mask

I enjoyed it for the most part, the ending through me off though. We get to guess that the  phones are for her.  

What happened to Patrick? Is he all bones now

Good job entering