Lunch Box Larry by Fig Jelly - A kid stumbles on a convenient way to rid himself of schoolyard bullies.

Based on Bloody Mary  Short, Horror, Comedy

Jim is introduced with no CAPS, JIMMY a few lines later is, should always be CAPS for first introduction of a character... I'm assuming they are about to be the same character at different ages, guess we will see.

I liked this, has that sort of Creepshow vibe to it, familiar but I guess that's gonne be fa airly common theme in this OWC.

Thoughts, I'm not sure of bookending it adds anything apart from the lunchbox line (which I liked), but if you are going to keep it then I'd suggest changing his name from Jimmy to James, just so it isn't quite to obvious.

Good and fits the challenge well

Oh, yeah, I got a couple good chuckles out of that one. I recognize the style, I think, but can't quite put my finger on the writer.

Nice take on the Bloody Mary legend. The fireside storyteller was a nice touch, too.

Enjoyed it, thanks writer!

Really liked this! Fun take on the Bloody Mary lore, and I love the whole Bully Exorcist bit. Agreed with Anthony on the Creepshow vibe. This would be right at home there. The urinal puck and the monstro sando are great gags, too. No notes from me. Great read!

I like this, I was getting Tales from The Crypt vibes and I see Anthony mentions Creepshow which fits as well. Well, written - nothing too original about it, but you told a great tale in just 6 pages and I lift my hat off to you for that.

-Mark

Dear Fig Jelly,
with that style of opening my mind read Jim's narration in a Vincent Price voice! Loved the calling card idea - a Mr McCall for 6th graders. A top and tailed great story in six pages. With an abundance of jelly AND urinal cake! Apogee to nadir in a flush (geddit!!) Almost like "Honey - - sugar sugar" attack of the earworm!! Well done JtF

Ahoy Fig Jelly-- you too -- luv how you spun 'The Bloody Mary' legend. You went outside the box -- every bit the fun and entertaining read. To be honest, nothing to nitpick. You done good with this one. Best of Irish luck! -A

Another first class entry!  I actually read this one twice so as not to miss any of the humor.  I guess my only confusion is that everyone else is comparing this to the Bloody Mary tale and I haven't made that connection.  Probably just me.  Again, top-notch writing here.  Great tale, meets all the parameters and very entertaining!  Checks all the boxes, Figgy!  A worthy effort for this OWC!

Fig Jelly,

This was great. Loved every bit of it. Had me a good laugh at "This is someone else!"

Twisted little tale, and definitely reminds me of Tales from the Crypt or Creepshow, as others had pointed out. Would love to see this one expanded and filmed.

Sean

This had a strange pulse to it. Like Sean, I also laughed at the "This is someone else." line.  I also liked the image of a lemon scented urinal puck wedged into the bully's teeth.

The only problem I had with this entry was the ending. I understand what happened, but it took me a couple of reads to understand that I went to and from a flashback. A slug line to tell me that the story was a flashback and then we return to the present would have helped. I realize that you clued me in with the descriptions in the action text but I'm not that swift. I'm used to things like that in a scene heading. Just sayin'.

However, once I got it, I could hear Michael Scarn's voice (from "Threat Level Midnight") doing the narration. I don't know why.

Anyway, I liked the story. I wish I had a Lunch Box Larry in my school when I was growing up.

Yeah, very cool using a character to narrate the legend around a crackling fire - which, if I'm being picky, might have worked better in the dark under the stars, but yep, that's a nitpick. Oh, and just a thought, maybe make the nitty-gritty details of the urinal revenge a mystery until the reveal. Focus in general on the bully theme which most can relate to.

Good storytelling, good characters, and very entertaining.

A good rounded script that worked from start to finish.

The quality of the writing like most I have read was really good.

Well done!

Damien

Another Bloody Mary script? I'm intrigued by this twist.

Quoted Text JIM (V.O.) ... a tale of an Urban Legend born out of fear and loathing.

...in Las Vegas?

Great dialogue here:

Quoted Text VOICE Think layers. Like, a big ol’ fat bastard with lots of good stuff. Don’t scrimp! Call me back when you’re done.

This is getting quite interesting...

Quoted Text JIMMY Today is the day of Saturn, tomorrow’s the day of the Sun. The day after that is the day of the Moon, and that’s when the demon will come!

And in the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!



*Spoiler*

Larry the Janitor reminds me of Zeke the Plumber from Salute Your Shorts.

This was one very original! I loved it! At first I was expecting some sort of grotesque sandwich monster. That would be every horror effects artist's dream! A big practical effects, (animatronic?) sandwich monster. But I'll happily take a demonic school janitor.

You're clearly an old pro. Congrats on entering. It was fun!

This one was pretty funny, I got a good chuckle out of it.