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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  High Time - OWC
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  Author    High Time - OWC  (currently 3465 views)
Don
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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High Time by Sean Chipman (mr. blonde) - Short, Horror - Three people, while avoiding a virus transmitted by animals, hide out in one of their childhood houses. - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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While not sticking to the OWC guides (it's not set at night, no storms in sight), on the whole, this isn't a bad entry. I like the idea of an outbreak with a zombie/When Animals attack crossover, and it loosely works overall. I liked some of the tension, characters were alright. No errors that I can see.

Good job.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Thanks, James. I know I broke several of the rules doing this, but I had to. The original idea in my head, I had to cut a decent chunk out of this. You left out the "18-80 years old" rule, too. Although, on that one, the 10-year old was originally 19. I changed it for story purposes.

So, for anyone who reads this, keep that in mind. =)

EDIT: Now that I think about that, it's not much of an excuse that I actually wrote this draft in an hour. You can tell. I'm still working on the whole version, now.


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screenrider
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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This one had heart.  Real emotion.  Sad.

Great job, Blonde.

EDIT: I'm glad Megan got away.   Good for her.

Revision History (1 edits)
screenrider  -  October 19th, 2010, 9:00pm
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stevie
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean. Imaginative twist for the challenge, with the outbreak/virus story. You say it's part of a bigger feature? It bides well for that then!

Couple of things that rankled with me: have Aarons' legs only been recently removed? If so, he would be in tremdous pain, especially if he's only 10 years old. This came to my mind right from the start and sort of created this 'highly unlikely' as I read on.

And then, later, Aaaron manages to rip the legs off a cooffe table while sitting in the chair. That would be tough enough for an adult!

But hey, i liked the sense of urgency the charcters gave, and it moved the script along well.

Cheers stevie



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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 19th, 2010, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Slow it down, guys. I can only read one script at a time! Lol.

Screenrider, first:

I tried to. This was some of my weakest dialogue ever, though, but if it got out to you the way I hoped it would, I succeeded. I'm glad you liked it and am sorry it was sad. I've been trying my best to come up with a happy story but they all seem to end in either suicide or death. Just for you, though, I promise I'll make something I could have a whole family watch happily.

Now, Stevie:

I do my best. Originally, it was zombies, but I always do zombies. I wanted to try something slightly different, but still keep the end of the world theme. And, yes, it is. Not a feature "feature", but about a 30-pager.

As I envisioned it, it had happened about 10 hours ago. In the whole version, a person changes in about 14 hours, on average. So, yes, he'd still be in pain, but it would've mainly wore down to something where he's between shock and gotten over it due to the length of time since it happened.

Two things, here. It's an abandoned house. When not properly cared for by people, things get easier. Plus, it's a leg on a coffee table, not something overly difficult. And, second, he was sitting on the ground at the time. They left the wheelchair outside.

It sounds like you liked it despite those quibbles. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Now, damn it, let me get back to reading so I can catch up. Lol. I have an hour-twenty! =)


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Murphy
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, despite the fact, as mentioned above, it never met the OWC guidelines it was a nice read. In fact it would be very hard to dislike anything that referenced one of my favourite books of all time. Even thinking about George shooting Lenny makes me want to cry, so I think you achieved what you set out to achieve by using that reference. Not sure I would have cared so much without it but I that is probably the greatest challenge with a 10 page script, hard to give us characters developed enough for us to actually care for.

The ending was inspired by 28 weeks later I assume? Not a bad thing either, If you are gong to write in a genre as well walked as this then nod or two to some successful examples of it are never bad.

Overall not the best script in this OWC but far from the worst. I liked the start, jumping straight into the action like that was good and dragged me into the story immediately. It was decently written.

Nice one.  
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Murph,

Yeah, I know I completely fucked up on the rules. I think I only hit about half of them but with literally about 2 line changes and one fixed slug, I hit 3 more rules. I just wrote it in a hurry and forgot about the storm and night time thing.

Yeah, when I was putting this story together, "Of Mice and Men" was one of the things I thought of and I was doing that scene already, that I figured it'd fit. I try and do my best (who doesn't?) to do good characters but as you kind of allude to, this is definitely one of the weakest things I've posted on here. Mainly my fault, part not, but I'm working on that.

Actually, no. It's one of those things that always comes to me. This isn't zombies, but the idea/result is the same. If people get to a point where they're on the run from something and can't be comfortable at home anymore, suicide would likely be a logical way out for some. I try and put new spins on whatever I can. In this case, I was originally going to go with my stand-by zombie idea, but I wanted to try something different.

Because I had to cut so much out of this story to fit the 10-page rule (without that one, this'd never gone up), I couldn't really get down to what the actual plot was. From this, most all you could guage is that people are on the run from some types of animals and something will happen to them after a while.

Much of my inspiration for this story came from the Masters of Horror episode "The Screwfly Solution". The idea is that someone created a bio-engineered virus which affects all animals on the planet and turns them aggressive against humans. If a human is bit by one of the animals, the virus affects them in the same way (makes them violent against other people). That's what I was going for and when I finish the whole story, is what I'll put up.

I'm just glad it's not the worst. I'd figure something written in about an hour would be pretty far down, but as long as it's not last, I'm cool with that.

I appreciate the positive words. Thank you for reading.

_______________________________________________________________________

Now, I've been busy writing the last few days and haven't gotten a chance to review like I'd hope. In fact, I only hopped on here to basically explain and say thank you before I get back to writing. However, I haven't forgotten. I should be able to do all three reviews tonight. Murphy, you're third behind Michael and Stevie.


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khamanna
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the script. It's the same old story but I loved it. It moves along nicely, it's very well paced, flows very well and overall it's a very good job.

And the writing is very good too.

He said at the end "Sorry, Aaron" - that's out of place for me because he killed Aaron much earlier. Almost a page earlier. I'd like it more if you live this last sentence out.


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Baltis.
Posted: October 20th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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The rules were broken here and that's a shame.  I've read a few like this so far; where the author took a completely different route than the challenge called for.  Almost deviating away from the challenge all together at times.

As a scripts, it's not bad.  As a OWC... It misses the mark.  
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Sean,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge, sort of. =p
All that aside, this is a pretty fluid read.
I felt the dialogue was too on the nose, but the tension worked.
Using "Of Mice and Men" was cool. it worked.
I didn't feel the sadness really, but it didn't hinder the story for me either.
The kid blew the story for me, recently cauterized legs was a distraction to me.
He seemed pretty chipper and quite able to lend a hand in repelling attackers.
It was all too much and strained the credibility if a tight piece of work.
Very solid effort, I look forward to reading more of your material.
Thanks for the post.

Regards,
E.D.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2010, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Khamanna:

Thank you for reading it. Well, I'm glad you "loved it", as you so eloquently put it. It's a nice thing to hear.

About the last line, it figures. In the last script I put up on here, someone said if I had added a particular line that I didn't add, it would've made them smile. And, here, I put one line too many. While the line would've had more importance in the extended version, I agree that it doesn't properly do its job here. For that, we agree. =)

Baltis:

I know. I missed out on the "dark" and "stormy" parts. I mis-read and interpreted that as only the title to the contest, not actually part of it. You know, the old cliche, "It was a dark and stormy night..." which I figured was the original idea for this.

I fucked up on a few others, but not the date one which it seems like I missed. I left that out because if the script is supposed to take place then, then why waste a line to describe it anyway? Anyway, that's what I figured, but I figured wrong on several things, here.

Did it really deviate that much from the rules? Even without the "it takes place between 10/31 and 11/1" rule, I still hit 5 out of 8. Now, while it's not true horror, I tried for a more horrific situation. Horror's my weak point, so for all I know, I wrote a comedy. Lol. What can I do? Just do better next time, I suppose.

I'll accept "not bad", though. It's cool with me. Thank you for reading. =)

Dreamer:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, rub it in. I fucked up on the rules. I get it! Damn. I was hoping the dialogue wasn't on-the-nose. That's what I get for waiting all week to write it. Glad the tension worked, though. So long as you're not just saying that, to make me feel better... =)

I didn't feel the sadness, either. I feel it's hard to do in a script, where it's just words. Movies make it easier to do that. Either that or classic books, but those go into 4-600 page range. We get 10.

Yeah, the cauterization. A victim of the edits to the story. There's nothing I can say about this one. More story = more explanation. Every story, though, has that one really over-the-top moment. All of them. I used it on that one.

Thank you for your good words and liking of it, for the most part. And, if you do want to see more of my stuff, it's in my signature. They're just down there collecting dust like the other 3,752 shorts in the Shorts section.

When I say thank you, here, I'd prefer to say "Dreamer". Something about calling you E.D. might possibly give it a negative connotation. =)

Now, that's three more for my reading spree. They should be done between late tonight and noon tomorrow.


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greg
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 1:32am Report to Moderator
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Sean,

First thing I noticed was a 10 year old with a revolver.  Not the most common image but I'll go with it.  Broke one of the pinnacle rules of the OWC also but I'll go with it.  I actually really liked this story.  An interesting take on the theme and definitely had some hardcore emotion going on.  Really emotionally draining and dreadful ending that you built up to nicely.  Would have liked to know more about the virus, but with only so much room you can only put so much.  As it is it read very well.  Question: if there was a boat in the lake outside, why didn't they immediately bolt for it rather than sticking put in the house and boarding everything up?

Overall a good script.  Good job!

Greg


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Greg, I reviewed your script, but I forgot to answer your questions, here.

10-year old with revolver: Before the story starts, you don't know how long this has been going on for. Could be years. People would need to know how to fire a gun by then, for the most part, no matter what age.

Rule: I know. Originally, it was 19-years old, but I couldn't get the character to gel right, so I broke it intentionally. Still didn't get it 100%, but I plan to.

Lake: Two reasons. One, they were being chased very closely by the dozens of crows, even though we didn't see them. That was the idea behind the opening. Second, they knew Aaron would change at some point. They'd prefer to deal with that in safety, first. Stopping off at a place at least one of them knew, plus having a back-up escape plan if anything went wrong made the most sense.

Thank you for reading and I'm glad you liked it.


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Coding Herman
Posted: October 22nd, 2010, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this, Sean. I think you captured the emotions perfectly for these three characters. Instead of focusing on the gore and the violence, you went for the more human route which, in my opinion, is the way to go in horror stories. I was captivated throughout.

I liked the way how you didn't hit us over the head about this zombie-invested world. You let us connect the dots.

Some minor points: I'd like to know more about how Megan is related to the other two. More backstory would suffice. But given the page restriction, it's okay for now.

One of the best entries. Very well done.

Herman


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