ED,

Thanks for reading.  The flashbacks were a late decision in this script, and one that basically broke the rules of the OWC.  But, I kept them very short and violent.  Sorry you thought they interrupted the flow.  If and when I go back to rewrite this, I will definitely smooth out some of the rougher spots such as the possession of Paula.  I think in the rush to make that deadline, some story points got lost.

Thanks again,

Ryan

Ryan,

Blood, guts, gore, just what I like in a horror.  Decent little story for ten pages.   Better if you had played by the rules though.  But I can't talk because I didn't play.

Good stuff

Ghostwriter

Did you have this idea before the OWC? It seems well developed for only a week's notice. It's one of my favorites.

Ghost,

Yeah, kinda wrote myself into a corner with this script, so I felt I had to break some rules to salvage the story.  Glad you liked it.

Sanderson,

No, came up with the rough idea Thursday night.  Wrote this in a couple hours right before the deadline.  Wish I had let myself an extra day or so to go back and polish up some parts.  I would've tried to confrom to the rules more.  Thanks for reading

Hi Ryan, this was written and paced well, as usual. But like some of the entries, this has more than three characters. Actually, a lot more than three characters, more like 12. And this was not entirely set during Halloween either.

Besides those points, I think this is a good story. The images of nuns worshiping Satan was creepy to me. Their wrongdoings gave me chills as well.

I have some questions though. Why would Carl agree to go with Ben and Paula? I mean, he must've wanted to forget everything that has happened to him. Is there something that Carl wanted to achieve at the convent?

And also the motivation of Black Aggie. Why does she want to kill off all these people? She's dead already, not that she can still worship Satan. I guess she's just a sadistic bitch, even in her death?

The last few scenes remind of Paranormal Activity. Very atmospheric. The sound of descending footsteps on the stairs was actually quite scary.

I liked this a lot. Very well done.


Herman

Thanks for reading, Herman.  Glad the atmosphere got to you.

First question about Carl.  He came at Ben's request to provide firsthand information during the investigation.  I also used Carl as way to dole out details without it being too expository.  He was there, he lived through the nuns' abuse, so I could communicate that in a couple short paragraphs with the flashback instead of half a page of dialogue.  I think he agreed to go back to the school and convent in order to confront this part of his life which he had shut away for so long.  I don't think he believed any of the ghost stories, he just wanted to return to the place where he suffered as a child and face his pain from that time.  That's one reason I showed that flashback of him getting slapped.  His only accomplishment by going there would be some kind of closure, I suppose.

As for Black Aggie, you said it best.  She's a sadistic b*itch, living or dead.  She was true evil, as Paula said, and existed to defile God.  So, if in death she has an opportunity to take possession of a soul and murder some innocent people, she's all about it.

Ryan

1 - Story: Excellent story. Really.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Easy to film, with the right abandoned building, with a reasonable budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Wonderful ghost story. R for graphic violence, nudity and sex. Big cinematic audience for this material. Failed on set/actor/age criteria given, but the more of these I read the more those look lke Pirate's Code: More of a suggestion, really. Forgiven.
4 - Technicals & Format: Wonderful.
5 - Title & Logline: Great title. Logline needs more enticement.
General Comments:
A - Great tale. Would make a great opening sequence to a feature.

Ray,

Thanks for the look.  I like your review format.  I might try that next OWC.  Yeah, I pretty much shattered the rules on this one.  Started way late, and when I realized I was going to have to break the rules to tell the story I wanted, it was too late to start over.  If I had an extra day, I would have put this one to the side and written something that stuck to the guidelines.

My focus on this was the horror.  I thought that was the most important part of this challenge:  to tell a horror story.   So, if I succeeded at that, I'm happy.  A lot of the scripts that I liked in this challenge, I personally wouldn't classify as horror.  But, it's a genre that's open to interpretation. The logline was a bit rushed.  Pretty bare bones, and I'll definitely make it more enticing in the future.  

Ryan

Alright!!! This is good. The ending was great with, now I'm assuming that this is what was intended, that Sister Agnes possesses the body of Paula. I am going to run this by Mr. Verbinski, I think he'll like it. CHEERS

I liked this - structurally it's good and devil worshippers who happen to be nuns -
that can't be bad... that's inspired!

But I did not feel neither for Ben nor for Paula. I'm thinking you could expand that or maybe cut some and have more of your main characters. Right now it's spooky enough but the story is mainly not around them but around the Black Aggie.

It's a very nice short nonetheless.

SPOILERS
I think this is well written, it seems like the beginning of a good novel --  you've got real talent for this genre, you create wonderful atmosphere.
Your choice of bad guys lets you down, I think; the actual horrors inflicted on children by nuns and priests are so well known that no single horror, no matter how bad, can compete with generations of ruined lives IMHO.

Hey Ryan,

I was searching for something of yours to read and dug this up.  When I read it, it only went straight to the screenplay, so I read this not even knowing it was for an OWC.

Good job cause the way the atmosphere was set up, I would've never guessed you had come up with this in under a week.  (Actually, I think I saw you say you started it on Thursday or something).  That's pretty impressive.

But thinking about it now, I understand why there were a couple things that seemed a little rushed and forced for the story.

The flashbacks, for instance.  They were good and definately needed for the story, but because they weren't in order, I got kind of lost.  You showed the nuns killing themselves first, then went back and had them alive and Paula said that Agnes killed them all.  "She killed them all!  She killed them all!"  I was able to figure out that Paula was referring to Agnes killing all the babies, but I had to go back and reread it a couple of times.  At first, it read like the nuns killing themselves you were just showing the myth of what happened, and then Paula saying 'She killed them all!' sounded like you went back and showed us what really happened.

The ending seemed a little rushed, too.  It was pretty quick and it seems like you would want to draw that out a little bit to get maximum suspense out of it.

But other than those things, the rest of it was pretty good.  The writing was concise, even if it had taken you a month let alone a day to write this, it would still be impressive.  You definately add great atmosphere to your work.

Others mentioned you broke a couple of the rules of the OWC, but like I said, I read this not thinking you had any perimeters whatsoever and I still liked it.

- Mark

Thanks for reading, Mark.  Hadn't taken a look at this one in a while.  Yeah, this  had its problems, some of which you mentioned.  I understand the order of the flashbacks could be confusing.  I wrote this one in a few hours, and it's the only owc where I just decided to break the rules and tell the story that was floating around in my head.  

I still like the core idea of this script, probably more than my execution of the story.  I might come back and revise this one.

Ryan