I agree with those who felt this is more dramatic and finding Dr. Kay dead would have given the story more of a wallop and closed the loop of the story premise. How/where they might find him in a more unusual way would also leverage the impact.

Good dialogue and character development of the kids, and I enjoyed the humor when it popped up.

Thanks for putting this on paper.

This feels like a last-minute-type story to me, it just didn't really lead to anything. You had a good build-up then after they have seen the body they just went home. It didn't get too deep into what the logline suggested the story was about.  

I did like the whole stolen wine bit, though. That was well done. The dialogue was good too, but all in all this story didn't tor much for me.


Good effort.

So the ending of it - the dead flower lady and the man in the end - both went over my head.

How did they play out in a story? So she was killed but why?

The three boys, their sherry instead of wine, Joh having pizza instead of horrible lasagna with chicken liver (man!) thanks to Trevor - all of this was very good and I was waiting to see what it was leading to.

This was well written but failed to excite unfortunately. If the cooking sherry was the joke it failed to deliver IMO. But as a short scene from a drama it may hold some value.

I'd like to thank everyone for their advice and their comments.

I learned a lot with this so I'm glad I participated. I am feeling much better and thanks for the get well wishes.

This would have been a good week for the Fever Dream OWC. As Libby pointed out, that was last year.

PS - If anybody was wondering, the vagrant at the end was supposed to slip and fall on the spilled wine. I can't believe I forgot to finish my own story. I don't think it would have made a difference.

I like the relationship between the friends and would certainly like to know more about Dr. Kay and what went on in his house. And the vagrant, how did he get there? What happened in his life? Was he kicked out of a pastors house for not behaving himself? And the deceased. What happened to her? I think there is a thematic premise which could have some dramatic tension if that was a road you’d choose to go down.