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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Fat Guy - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fat Guy by Koolacooho Mafessiin - Short, Comedy - Fat Guy shows off how cool his superhero power is. 3 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Angry Bear  -  April 24th, 2016, 9:28am
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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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WTF!

I guess comedy isn't your thing and only 3 pages...
Fat guy and skinny guy, not exactly the most creative superheroes and I wouldn't even call them that.

Just a short exchange with a donuts joke thrown in.

At least you entered, just not my thing.


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Equinox
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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It's actually 2 pages and I didn't find it funny. But that's probably because I suck with comedies.


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cbead
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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https://chrisbeadnell.wordpress.com/

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OK. ..Didn't take long to read I suppose.


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khamanna
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Looks like I missed what their superpowers might be.

I don't think comedy should be found in a prose. I think the situation or dialog should be funny. The prose is not on screen, so if I find it funny it'll get lost as soon as the script gets on screen.

There were quite a few typos in this, but this is not a big deal and expected I guess.

I don't understand what's goin on in here. I think you took it easy. too easy. Well...
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 11:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Oh boy...here we go again.  I'm out long before Page 1 is over...and I now see the entire script is less than 2 pages.  Really?

Writing is very poor, sorry to say.  Mistakes of every kind, on virtually every line...to the point where maybe it's purposely written as poorly as possible?  Hard to say, but definitely not for me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 11:33am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Had my first hic-cup on the opening line:

Quoted Text

No one is on the street. No I lied. SKINNY GUY is on the
street


Not sure I get the point - anyway.

Okay - this one kind of lost me. Fat and Skinny guy - not sure what the powers were other than being fat and skinny. The descriptive passages were a bit long - could have been written crisper. Can't say that I laughed. This one fell a little flat for me.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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All I'm getting is that Fat Guy needs to save the donuts and Skinny Guy needs to  . . . get in the back seat of a car?

This one wasn't my thing.


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Trojan
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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First entry I've read. Not a good start.

Is the comedy meant to come from this being laughably bad?
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DanC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Wow, it just ended.  I don't get it.  This is 2 in a row that I don't get.  

Sorry.

Did you submit the wrong story?  It wasn't done.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but this didn't work for me...


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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IamGlenn
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
Regular


:)

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Writer,

Two pages long and I couldn't get past the first. This is just nonsensical and not very good.

Glenn.


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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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Look, its the last one and I'm gonna throw out a 1 for this just for the hell of it! Ok, its only a 1 but remember...its a big fat one! Lol

1 laugh out of 10


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Dustin
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 3:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Not a lot of effort put into this one. No real story, no real laughs. These kind of jokes are a tough sell these days. They have to be played right. I think this just misses the mark.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 3:51am Report to Moderator
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Didn't work for me. This read very much like prose and I quickly got lost in the skinny guy did this, fat guy did that mess.

Sorry, at least you tried.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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