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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Holding Out For - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Holding Out For by Teddy Beer - Short, Comedy - Cometh the hour... Forgot the next bit. Carl is at a bus stop. A young lady arrives. Then her boyfriend. He's a bit tense. To say the least. So tense you could camp overnight in him. Carl does what he has to do. 7 pages - pdf, format




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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Not really a  comedy didn't laugh at all ... just a tense drama kind of.

Good writing though.

Good job on entering


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StevenClark
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Yeah. I read through all this and there's no comedy in sight. Maybe they do it different across the puddle.

Steve


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Nomad
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Teddy,

You used 7 pages to set up something that should have taken 2.  Far too much dialogue, not enough visuals.

The Shane Blackism didn't read funny, more lazy.

No humor in this.

Congratulations on finishing a script though.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 9:09am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well, I don't see any comedy here at all in the first 2 pages and based on the other reviews, looks like it continues that way.

The writing style is a real turnoff for me, which is why I jumped out so quick.  Another writer who has chosen the dark side, omitting subjects in most lines, trying to be witty, overwriting like he's being paid by the word.  Just doesn't work - the 2 pages I read felt like 4 and so very little happened.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  April 25th, 2016, 11:38am
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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Didnít read like a comedy, it seemed quite serious.

I honestly donít see any reason for the 7 pages. Thereís a lot of micro-direction for the actors, most of which can easily be cut or written in a much leaner way. The build-up to the fight takes forever and is quite detailed. Thereís no twists or surprises.

Sorry, this one didnít work for me.

-Mark


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Wes
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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I see a number of ways to clean this to 6 pages. Problem is, it still wouldn't be a comedy.
Sorry, not my thing.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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I wonder who wrote this? Has a certain style.

Quite like the set up but it felt like you didn't know where to take it. Plus it sinned - went over the page length!

Would be interesting to see where you could take it. The script, not the bus. Well not that bus...


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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I wonder who wrote this? Has a certain style.

Quite like the set up but it felt like you didn't know where to take it. Plus it sinned - went over the page length!

Would be interesting to see where you could take it. The script, not the bus. Well not that bus...


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Sorry again, but, not a comedy.  It was well written, but, it failed the challenge.  I guess it had one laugh, but, that's it.

5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Trojan
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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This had the feel of a script that was written previously and slightly adjusted to try and fit this challenge. How is this guy a superhero? Was it because he had some sort of costume under his clothes? Doesn't really meet the requirements IMO, and the comedy is lacking.

Aside from that, it's way, way overwritten. Not a fan of trying to be cute with all the needless asides in the description. Especially when you've gone over the page count and there's so much that's easy to cut and would make the script flow better.
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albinopenguin
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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Less of a story and more like a fantasy one would have while waiting for the bus. However, I don't see why this was 7 pages. Come on Teddy Beer, you could have EASILY trimmed this down. Super frustrating to say the least.

That being said, it wasn't very funny or interesting. Just not my cup of tea. However, the writing wasn't bad.


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Stumpzian
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Does a comedy have to be in-your-face "funny" every step of the way? I thought this script had a comic undertone as it moved toward the Verne-Carl bit, which was funny. As for going over, I didn't notice. In many of the others I've read, I kept looking to see if the end was near. Not this one.



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Dustin
Posted: April 28th, 2016, 5:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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It fell apart in the middle. Well written, just a long winded rescue at a bus stop. Like a save the cat moment stretched out into 7 pages. No need to go over the page count here, the middle is extremely bloated.


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Abe from LA
Posted: April 29th, 2016, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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Not comedic, but maybe a drama with a touch of humor. I enjoyed the read.  I guess expectations were low from all of the other reader hits. Not a lot of story for 6+ pages, so trimming down would be in order. Outside of the challenge, I like your style.
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