Quoted from ReneC I guess nobody's seen Fallen with Denzel Washington.

Seen it numerous times, and in that movie, they do something very clever, so you "understand" when it's happening/happened.

"Tiiiiiiime, is on my side...yes it is"

I don't know what accident scene is, that doesn't really tell me a location, that could be anywhere.

Being loaded into the ambulance by the ambulance driver....just say driver.

I feel like the EMS Attendant should have a name, he has a lot of dialogue and a "connection" with Irene. you call him Frank later on, but continue to label him as EMS Attendant.

I liked the swap at the end with the driver, that was a clever twist, but you had a lot of potential here to stretch out some suspense. At only 5 pages, this reads quickly and it loses some of the build up.

I agree that the logline gives too much away. I mentioned the movie Fallen in another thread, this one has the feel.

PROTOCOL 25

No idea what this one is about. They're all killers? Really strange.

Hello writer

Accident scene - if I decided to make this, where am I filming this accident scene? downtown, motorway? country road? - you get my point, set the scene.

Quoted Text There’s already a bond between her and the EMS Attendant

Nope - show me a bond. If you have to tell me it's there, then it doesn't exist.

Quoted Text It takes off,

... Into space? odd choice of phrase - I'm just being picky now I guess

Quoted Text just the connection of two strangers.

You're telling me again

Eh? what the hell is going on - no hint of an explanation here. Some kind of mind changing, thing? making them murderous - no clue - this misses the mark.

Well done for completing the challenge

Matt

"there's already a bond between"  Can't just tell us. (I'm sure others pointed this out, but I avoid other reviews until I've written mine.)

"It's starting to dawn on her now" What is? We simply don't have enough info to know what this line means. We know he had some weird eye contact with the killer, and he killed the guy -- and attempted to justify it. That's it. It's a stretch to think that she'd be nervous in any way about him killing her at this point.

Okay, done. Didn't work for me.

I think the problem is that all of the character's actions are overreactions. The Attendant kills the killer based off of evidence provided by a dispatcher. The woman overreacts with too much suspicion/fear. The attendant overreacts to her reaction (by having a second syringe ready). She overreacts by killing him. The driver then overreacts to her being at fault for the accident.

I like the general idea, and if you could get their motivations to feel more real, I think the short would work.

(Okay, just read through the reviews... so, this was a "jumping" script? Reading back through, I guess I can see it. But, I sure didn't on the first read. Not even close. I took the eye contact to mean some sort of attempted mind control. So, I think you need a device to very clearly show "the jump." That could be enough to make the whole thing snap into place.)

I liked where you went with this and with a bit of refining, it could be an interesting shoe-string suspense/thriller. That said, not much horror to it. The logline gives it away and it would've been a bigger suspense builder to hear that the trunk was full of body parts.

Lots of tips and suggestions in previous reviews. I did like the story. Good job, writer.

Quoted from Dreamscale Seen it numerous times, and in that movie, they do something very clever, so you "understand" when it's happening/happened. "Tiiiiiiime, is on my side...yes it is"

I was thinking the same thing.  Fallen.  Or Jason Goes To Hell.  

Very good. Irene is an honest woman, but she's just been in an accident and is scared about the consequences, especially since she thinks she's guilty, so she shouldn't go around telling everyone that she's at fault until she's talked to a lawyer. Plus, maybe you make her pregnant, so she's worried about any harm that may have come to her unborn child.

In the ambulance, after failing to possess Irene, the Evil takes over the Driver. Irene may be terrified, but she's already killed one guy, so she doesn't hesitate to use the scalpel on the Driver. Now, with the Driver dead, the Evil has only one place to go: she fearfully looks down at her baby bump and utters something profound like "uh oh."

Dena and I are responsible for this mess. Sorry. Mostly my fault. I scribbled some notes, sent them to Dena Friday morning. She was on the road with family and typed them into FD from the back of the car. She sent me copy to review, but that was a big medical/family/drinking day for me, so I didn't get to it.

The idea came from an experience of mine. I had been in an accident. I was placed in an ambulance with the driver of the other vehicle. My injuries were minor(broken nose, broken ribs, concussion), and I had been completely calm...until they started strapping me in. Claustrophobia runs in my family. It had never been a problem for me until that moment. I freaked. I even threatened the EMS guy. He loosened my straps and I relaxed.

But this gave me the idea: what if you were trapped in an ambulance, strapped down, and suddenly the other patient became a threat?

It was hard to come up with ways to do that and I didn't have time. What came to me is not original: a person who is able to jump ship with his soul, so to speak, by taking possession of another. So he can basically leave one body behind and take another.

The challenge was showing this in a film. There were probably better ways. But it is a challenge to show something like that. We tried to come up with some clues. Some readers picked up on them.

So what happens is this: a serial killer with this body-jumping ability gets in an accident with our protagonist. While they are in route to the hospital the cops find body parts in his car and the ambulance is alerted. So the serial killer, who is seriously wounded from the accident, jumps to the EMS guy and proceeds to kill his old body. The woman begins to suspect something is not right and eventually figures it out. When it becomes clear to her that she is next to be killed, she stalls for time while trying to get free. She manages to kill the EMS guy(who is now the serial killer of course). But just before she ends his life, he tries to jump to her. Because she understands this, she is able to resist him. Then succeeds in killing him.

However, with his last breath, he manages to jump to the unsuspecting driver. She learns this when she sees him driving past the hospital. She knows once again she'll have to fight for her life.

I did worry about what the driver would hear when all this struggle was going on. It was 15 years ago I was in the ambulance, and I don't remember what divides the driver's cabin from the back. Maybe sirens would help, I don't know.

SPQR has a very good suggestion about making the woman pregnant. I doubt we'll do any more with the story, too many other projects, but if we ever do I'll take that advice.

Thanks for slogging through this if you did!

I did not think this was yours, Kev and Dena.

It's not all that bad at all.

Quoted from leitskev Dena and I are responsible for this mess. Sorry. Mostly my fault. I scribbled some notes, sent them to Dena Friday morning. She was on the road with family and typed them into FD from the back of the car. She sent me copy to review, but that was a big medical/family/drinking day for me, so I didn't get to it. The idea came from an experience of mine. I had been in an accident. I was placed in an ambulance with the driver of the other vehicle. My injuries were minor(broken nose, broken ribs, concussion), and I had been completely calm...until they started strapping me in. Claustrophobia runs in my family. It had never been a problem for me until that moment. I freaked. I even threatened the EMS guy. He loosened my straps and I relaxed. But this gave me the idea: what if you were trapped in an ambulance, strapped down, and suddenly the other patient became a threat? It was hard to come up with ways to do that and I didn't have time. What came to me is not original: a person who is able to jump ship with his soul, so to speak, by taking possession of another. So he can basically leave one body behind and take another. The challenge was showing this in a film. There were probably better ways. But it is a challenge to show something like that. We tried to come up with some clues. Some readers picked up on them. So what happens is this: a serial killer with this body-jumping ability gets in an accident with our protagonist. While they are in route to the hospital the cops find body parts in his car and the ambulance is alerted. So the serial killer, who is seriously wounded from the accident, jumps to the EMS guy and proceeds to kill his old body. The woman begins to suspect something is not right and eventually figures it out. When it becomes clear to her that she is next to be killed, she stalls for time while trying to get free. She manages to kill the EMS guy(who is now the serial killer of course). But just before she ends his life, he tries to jump to her. Because she understands this, she is able to resist him. Then succeeds in killing him. However, with his last breath, he manages to jump to the unsuspecting driver. She learns this when she sees him driving past the hospital. She knows once again she'll have to fight for her life. I did worry about what the driver would hear when all this struggle was going on. It was 15 years ago I was in the ambulance, and I don't remember what divides the driver's cabin from the back. Maybe sirens would help, I don't know. SPQR has a very good suggestion about making the woman pregnant. I doubt we'll do any more with the story, too many other projects, but if we ever do I'll take that advice. Thanks for slogging through this if you did!

The story as you lay it out is solid. Really like it. Only reason it didn't work for me on the page, was because I completely missed the jumping angle. Others didn't.

But, I do like the idea quite a bit.

Our intention was to participate because OWC's seem less busy than in the past. We just didn't have time to whip it into a draft worthy of people's time. I hate doing that. A reader's time is precious.