Hi Dena,

Well written for a OWC. Dark? Yes, but I liked it. I guess my only gripe to your story is why would a frail old woman have anything to do with kidnapping, rape and murder. Maybe if you decide to do a rewrite you could expand on the old woman's character a bit.

Either way, congrats! Another solid job Dena!

- Dirk

Thanks Dirk..this one needs a rewrite ...will do soon..thanks for the input appreciate the read

WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE!

Not sure what I just read. Interesting images connected by a thin story. I liked it but had a bunch of questions. Then I realized sometimes shit just happens. I’m interested in seeing where you take this one.

Gary

Dena, just read this one.

As usual, the writing is great.

I had some issues with the story however.

First off, I don't think the beginning sets up the right tone for what is to come. The beginning, before she sees the Frail Woman, everything is light and wonderful. Therefore it feels disjointed when suddenly we have rape and murder. Wrong set-up for the mind, if you know what I mean.

Didn't really think the church and Monet had anything to do with the story really. It works without both. All Beta really needs is the fortune cookies. The first fortune about taking the road less traveled happened, but the second fortune never came into play. Maybe that was supposed to be Monet's fortune, but I think it would work better and more ironic if the second fortune is something that actually happens as well.

I didn't really get the point of the Frail Woman. I understand that she's the bait, but why is she kept in the cellar chained up? Would work better if she works with the killer. Maybe she's his twisted mother or something.

The ending to me was way too close to that found footage film I can't remember the title of right now, but it ends the same way with the girl being buried alive in a plastic drum. If you haven't seen it, check it out. Pretty gruesome film. It's mentioned in the Recommended on NetFlix thread somewhere. In that film, the killer is never shown either.

I also think we need to know just a little bit more about why this killer does what he does. What are his motives? Right now, he's just someone who catches a girl, f's her once and then kills them. The only motive there that I can see is that he was horny. Dig deeper into his character. Give us a glimpse into his psycho personality.  

Yeah I pooped this thing out in like an hour ..two tops...it's shit. Sorry....but the owc got me writing again ...that's all I wanted.

Sorry to put you guys through my writing workshop but appreciate the reads.

Megan Is Missing is the name of that film.  

oh yes...recommended to me by Jefff Bush a while back

Yeah, I was actually going to say this reminded me of that.  maybe it was an influence???

Most definitely I told you my ending was a tribute to Megan lol

Very, VERY dark!!!!!

Sorry ...was in a very very dark mood lately back to sunny though I won't bury anyone in a box anytime soon promise.

Hey Dena,

Wow! Another one, looks like you've stolen some of Popeye's spinach!

As always, the writing here is fine and I was never tripped up but the story although dark (not surprising from you) and quite twisted was lacking by the end.

I was waiting for some twist to come into play, maybe the reveal of the killer as Mr. Chan or some relation to the fortune cookies from earlier but nothing happened. Beta was just buried and that was that.

This obviously just left me with lots of questions so I went back through the feedback to make sure that I hadn't missed anything but it appears that most peeps are on the same page with this one.

I think Kev summed it up best in his review.

I was a little puzzled by the ages of these girls - was they really supposed to be 16? They talked and acted a lot older but what do I know really, it's not like I hang around with many teenagers and maybe they do talk and act like this.

Well written but the story was water-thin. It certainly has potential if you could tie some elements of the overall plot to together like the Frail Woman, Bible School and most importantly - the fortune cookies and how this affects Beta's journey.

Happy New Year.

Hey Dena,

I read it a while ago but never commented as we were on a trip and I would have to write from phone which is never fun.

I liked it but it felt short for me. I think the reason is - I don't see a real connection of your main girl's misfortune to the fortune cookie and her thoughts about the fortune cookie. It would feel more complete if she didn't do something she planned just because of the cookie and the telling which in return got her in trouble. Or maybe I missed something?

Nonetheless, I thought it was a good job for an OWC.

I read this very quickly and thought the writing itself was fine, especially given the speed at which it was produced. But the story itself took way too quick a dark turn for my taste. It was like Quentin Taratino had suddenly taken over direction of a Mike Nichols film. But impressed you could crank out something like that so quickly.

Thanks again...was going on a month of not writing anything...and was in a dark mood...kinda shown through in my writing

Will do better when I clean this up Swear!