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One of the difficulties with this one is that we don't really know why she needs rescuing. I feel, like Stryker, I was dropped into the middle of the action, with no understanding of the mission. I think there was a valiant attempt at the challenge, and the writing is actually quite good, but the rom-com is missing the rom and is more action com.
Think of it like Die Hard. A lot of funny lines and he ultimately rescues the girl (that he loves) from the bad guys, but Die Hard isn't a rom-com either.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
If this is a romcom, then this has to be the worst first date ever.
Nice try. Sneaking romance and comedy into your action film.
In a longer format, Allison and Stryker might actually fall for each other and have some romantic moments while on the run. But, guess what? It would still be an action film.
Stryker comes across as a weird combo of John Wayne and Buzz Lightyear.
Not bad writing, and there's a lot to read.
At the endof the day, it doesn't give us a new slant on the romcom genre, it's an acton film.
Title is okay, maybe a bit cheesy. The logline is bland and needs more foreshadowed conflicts about the plot - something definite.
- main location before sub location -
"You would so scare the hell out of my family and friends."
That was the first line that gave her some depth and felt like a serious development in case of their relationship.
There was a lot of light and shadow in your script.
The jokes (while good on their own) felt repetitive (re abbreviations around military terms) and didn't do much for their characterization and overall progress of the story. At least the dialogues were kept short, which wasn't the problem. Some humor was actually pretty good but, as said, the amount of the same humor and joke structure weakened their impact within the script and didn't serve the story.
The stereotypes of dumb damsel and juvenile rowdy left too late for more serious 3D characters and relationship beats.
So more of a balance thing here. The "meat" is generally there, all just needs a form to serve the plot, and the rest needs to be cut imo. Otherwise there were some nice transitions in your imagery and good live-pictures.
All in all I think fewer pages (6 or 7 in total) would have condensed this to the necessary, essential parts, and with that, the better story. Less is more kind of...
It started off confusing, there was no sense of peril or fear for Allison so making her a woman in peril was a bit of an abrupt switch. I'll chalk that up to trying to infuse a bit of reality into this...
...and then reality went right out the window. Overwriting gives way to a dialogue-heavy action piece that tries too hard to be clever and witty. I like Stryker for the most part, but his antics get old real fast. This is a case of less is more. The relentless dialogue gets to be too much.
The thing that really bugs me is there's zero chemistry between them, Allison isn't attracted to him at all, but she has sex with him? She just needed a warm body, huh? It's sexist, plain and simple.
It's not really a rom com, not that an action piece can't also do that but because there's really no romance here at all. The flowers make no sense, and if they were in some way supposed to be romantic it's even more sexist, like give any random girl flowers to win her heart.
It could be worth giving it another go outside of the challenge, just to have Stryker doing his thing. In moderation though.