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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  The Go-To Girl - OWC
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  Author    The Go-To Girl - OWC  (currently 550 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Go-To Girl by David M Troop (DaveTroop) writing as Alvy Singer - Short, RomCom - A lovesick lawyer pursues his sexy secretary with the help of a vivacious vixen. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 17th, 2019, 12:15pm
revised draft
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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A cute story which could have done without the few F bombs.
There's probably over a hundred different ways to say 'walk"  Stroll, saunter, march, stride and so on.. mix it up.

So the lawyer is after his secretary with the help of his fantasy girl and it had a few funny moments with a nice twist at the end.

Good job on entering

p.s  I'm sure the grammar Nazi's will be over this one.


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RolandJ
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting.
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StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

So, I guess Katie and Miquel werenít real? Iíll just have to guess because Iím not sure and thatís not good. Other thing, Michael had absolutely no redeeming qualities about him at all. I figured he was just pompous with Katie, but he didnít seem any more humble in front of Katherine either. Hard guy to root for. Sorry, but this didnít work for me.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I actually didn't mind this. Well written, with some parts that did make me chuckle. I did feel like Miguel was a bit too stereotypical and didn't fit in with the tone of the rest of the story.

I really didn't see the twist coming, so good job with that.

Not bad, not bad at all.

All the best


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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The spacing is off (extra blank spaces) in your opening 1/2 page. Don't give us a distraction of of the gate.


Quoted Text
Michael exhales, concentration broken. He turns his head,
Katie is gone. He reaches over to the bedside table, plucks
some tissues from the box.


Had to read this a couple of times to get that it was a dream - clarity could be enhanced.

Not a bad premise at all - actually clever.

The dreams wore a bit - I mean once you do one we kind of get the gist of it.

Over all - pretty nice work


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Title page looks horrible!

Hmmm, so this is a dream scene and Michael just beat off?

Page 6 - Katie's there too?

Mini Slugs are the way to go here.

You know...I'm not really sure what to say about this.  I guess it's creative, I think it has cute potential, but I also think the tone is off and it's obviously completely unrealistic.

I definitely thought it was a cute ending with Katie and Miguel leaving together.

It's a solid effort.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Like. This. A. Lot.

The "Miguel" twist (which I didn't see coming) implies that Katherine's been fantasizing about Michael, too (so it makes sense their two fantasy selves would pair off at the end).

Pretty clean in style for the most part (there's a minor goof near the bottom of page 9; it should be "She offers the box TO Miguel").

If you didn't select the "Alvy Singer" pseudonym, I can see why it was chosen -- this has a bit of an (early) Woody Allen feel. All in all, a job well done.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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After the awful start I had with this OWC, I finally get to read a script that is in the spirit of the OWC and has some humour. Not big ha-ha funny, but some and...

I think with a little work you can do more with the imaginary characters. Show the two real characters both being kinduv crazy. Hey, they'll have a bond.  

One thing I didn't get was the parenthetical: Motions Stroking
I couldn't picture what that was. Please explain.

Nice Effort

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1.   A little confusing here right off the bat. I didn't get the xylophone thing. Also, I wasn't sure if Katie was doing something to Michael there under the covers or if she was just in bed under the covers and then suddenly she's gone. I'm sure there are ways you can write this in a way that is a bit more clear.

Page 2.   I'm not an office person, so I have no idea how things work, but do "secretaries" still take dictation? I would've thought with computers and Michael being a lawyer, he would've been able to write his own. Not even a nitpick. Just something that struck me as odd.

damn! That is one hot radiator, lol.

Page 3.   Michael suits up, but then he puts on a T-shirt and lounge pants...

Page 4.   So, Katie is not real?

Page 5.   Would be funny if she had a boyfriend that went by Whiskers!

Page 9.   LOL! I love the reveal that Katherine has Miguel!

Finished and I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this one.

Despite some confusion there about Katie until I realized she wasn't a regular person, I thought this was pretty good.

It checked all the boxes for the challenge and I would be lying if I say I wasn't amused. So, great job writer.  


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hawkeye
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty clever premise and had some attempts at humor as well as the other requisites of the challenge so all the boxes are checked here.

I think it was pretty obvious that Katie wasn't real by the end of page 1.  It got a little more confusing when she appeared at Katherine's and then she brought out Miguel, as if Michael could see him.  So that should be cleaned up a little bit.

This is a fairly high-concept piece that actually might do pretty well as a feature, where you could create all sorts of interesting scenarios for Michael and Katherine to get into.

Good writing on display here, so a solid effort in my humble opinion.

Just my two cents,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, not bad.

The plot feels a little familiar. I suppose it's all those movies where angels/ghosts come back to assist.

Katie has a foul mouth on her which I think you/we could do without and Michael needs to be imbued with a bit more character imh. It's a short RC so I'd personally get rid of the hard edges.

I liked when Miguel came on the scene. I didn't see it coming.

Needs just something more...

Really like the title btw.


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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:08am Report to Moderator
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I liked it until she called Miguel. But that turn might be in the spirit of rom coms, I don't know.

I'm against it though. It's kind of impossible for two similar crazies to meet like that. I mean they both could be crazy but not in the same way.

I understand it's a script but seems like you turn it the way you want to, the twist does not feel organic this way and it should.

So, I don't know what to suggest. I'd push myself to come up with a different thing and def get rid of Miguel.

Overal though good job, writer!
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CameronD
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Xylophone? I dont get it.

Ass on fire is kinda funny.

Interesting idea that Katie is imaginary. Tissues from earlier makes sense now.

And Katherine ends up having her own imaginary friend. What's funny, and I'm sure it's been noted above by others, this is nearly the exact same premise as another script in the OWC called Perfect Pair. Except sock puppets in place of your imaginary friends. Great minds?

This was smarter than Perfect Pair while that one was more absurd. However, while I probably like this one better as it was more clever, it still didn't click with me. Micheal and Katherine have no romance or I felt much flirty chemistry beyond the pants on fire bit. Micheal doesn't want her so much as to just bone her and that lowers the stakes.

Also, except for a few funny lines I don't know if I'd call this a comedy either. The premise is great and how you incorporated Katie into Micheal's love life was clever. But it doesn't resonate with me. Maybe cause Micheal is unlikable. Maybe cause there was a bit much small talk for my taste. 10 pages when this could be 7 or 8 easily I think.

Good effort and with some more drafts this coulda been my fav.



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

I didn't get the xylophone joke - But I am slow.

OK, this is well written - you know what you are doing.

scorched by a radiator? is that possible?


Quoted Text
KATIE
Thanks. You thought of it.


That line made me smile

At first, I thought Katie might have been an ex or something - Now I'm thinking she is just an imaginary girlfriend, but he's made her look like his crush? That's what I'm thinking at this point anyway.

Well done for not showing the scene of him explaining himself to Katherine - deffo an experienced writer.

OK I finished - I didn't actually expect the twist, maybe if I was more switched on I might have.

I liked it, I think you kept to the challenge well. It was creative - i thought the moment the two agreed to go on a date could have been done better.

Well done on your entry

Matt


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