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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Last Dance At The Mineshaft - OWC
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  Author    Last Dance At The Mineshaft - OWC  (currently 306 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Last Dance At The Mineshaft by - Anonymous - Short, RomCom - CAL, a respectable young executive in a Manhattan bank, turns down the chance of attending a Valentine's Day office party. Accused of being a virgin, Cal has a secret life, which he visits during that evening. Accused of being boring, his life is anything but. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I'm of two minds on this one. Mind 1 is that this is competently written by a regular. It has all the makings of a good story, set-up, reversal, all that textbook stuff. Mind 2 says whomever wrote this was pressed for time, because you've shown you have a good vocabulary, but you also made some basic and grammatical and spelling errors. There was certainly more good than bad here and I also believe it to be written by someone older (the double spacing after each sentence).

P.S. I think I know who wrote this one.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Looks op... up

a towel around his wait.... waist

betwen them... between

Well it's certainly a different take on the romantic theme.. Pretty good as far as the story goes although I got a little confused with the last slug. I thought it was valentine's day the night before.

Anyways overall a good read

Good job on entering


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

So, when I was thinking romcom I wasnít expecting to see the term ďanally manipulatedĒ, let alone the visualisation of a load of men having a knocking one off session. Still, different strokes, different folks...

What youíve got going for you. Thereís two star crossed lovers here, a split and a reunion. The comedy, well I was more shocked than amused if Iím honest. Itís out there and might have shocked me into smiling, but wasnít that funny.

I guess itís a romcom of sorts, just a very unusual one.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

Revision History (1 edits)
Cam Gray  -  February 2nd, 2019, 5:30pm
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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
Much bigger. Multiple slings hang from the ceiling and naked
MEN sprawl in them, being anally manipulated by real life Tom
of Finland Adonises wearing nothing but jack straps.


I have no idea what I'm meant to be seeing, and to tell you the truth I don't want to know. This feels like its just turned into porn.

And I'm out, something I almost never do.

No comedy anywhere to be seen, and up until page 6 or 7 no romance either. There is not one thing I like about this script.

I know we aren't meant to be scoring on here but I can safely say this will be getting the lowest possible score from me.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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PKCardinal
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe I'm finally getting old enough that I'm unable to appreciate the next generation's take on the world... but, to me this script went: orgy, orgy, orgy, romance.

The turn just didn't work for me, it was way too sudden... and, even when it was supposed to be romantic, we were still in the middle of an orgy.

Not for me, sorry. Too over the top. (Insert your own joke here.)

Also, very sloppy writing, especially early. I realize these things are written at a high speed, but, a little care (and a quick spellcheck) goes along way.

Good luck and keep on writing!


PaulKWrites.com

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The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely needs an R-rating, or is that X?
More explicit than any Queer As Folk, or Banana or Cucumber episodes.

A case of more is less imh.
It hummed along, writing wise, despite the typos.

I just wasn't expecting pornographic in place of RomCom.
Steve also gives in too fast when previously he doesn't appear to want a relationship.


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khamanna
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:01am Report to Moderator
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I think it's good for what it is. There's no big idea behind the story but it doesn't have to be.
A neat little story about love. Not funny, but I don't think every rom-com has a need to be funny.
Overall, I followed his story, I was interested in his life and what he wants and if he gets who he wants. You could probably inject their conversations with some memorable lines or something to make characters stand out - do that in the rewrite.

P.S. I read the comments above and surprised that people are disturbed with pornographic visuals. I think these are very relevant to this story - so that aspect of it good by me. Just proves our perception of things vastly differ.
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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My fifth script and the second one with a character named Calvin! Not weird in itself, but it's my Grandson's name, so it sticks out to me.  

Perhaps finding a more interesting way of describing Cal that reflects his personality more than looks?

A lot of unnecessary descriptions just for his shower. IMHO, those two paragraphs could've been taken up just half the space.

1977. Was there video yet? I don't remember, but it seems that came a few years later. I think they were still doing real film in -77, but what do I know.

Ok. Finished. Didn't quite go where I thought it would...

There were flowers. There was chocolates and some red balloons too. My issue here I think is that I didn't feel a rom-com. Sure, Cal tries to convince Steve to go home with him, but it comes very late in the story and wasn't particularly funny, in my book at least. Not very romantic either, but that might have just been the setting, lol.

With the explicit descriptions you have, I would say this is porn'ish. Not exactly romantic territory.

Although, not bad, it probably wasn't for me either.

Very long descriptions at times that could be easily cut down without losing anything visually.  


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
CAL, twenty eight, boyish, preppy neat and clean. Light blue
shirt, contrasting tie. Looks op from his office computer.


up - not op

The spacing if off in the dialogue blocks.

Michelle is way, way over the top - it ruins her credibility - makes her cartoonish.

So, this was about sex rather than romance.

I like the premise - but it didn't need to be on steroids for it to work.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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A bit too explicit for my tastes, but this is the pre-AIDS gay scene in NYC (I'm hetero myself), so I understand.

I note two musical anachronisms. This story takes place in 1977 (Valentine's Day, a few weeks after Jimmy Carter was inaugurated), but Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" was a hit in the summer of 1979 and "Last Dance" in 1978. Sorry, but I'm a stickler about these things.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

After jumping in, first thing that hits me is this seems a little overwritten.

I'm getting confused with the conversation with the taxi driver.

Didn't think I would have read the words "anally manipulated" in this challenge.... but I did.

Now a golden shower lol WTF?

Not a fan of this - hardly romantic lol

A lot of you writers must have been horny as hell when writing these entries, so much sex lol

Matt


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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Way overwritten.

Passages over 4 lines don't read well.

No ROMCOM here whatsoever.

I stopped at the point I realized this was some gay porn script and after reading others' feedback, I'm sure glad I did stop.  Sick shit here on display, and definitely not for me.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Warren
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor


A lot of you writers must have been horny as hell when writing these entries, so much sex lol

Matt


I agree, what the hell is going on?



To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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hawkeye
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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First, I agree this is extremely overwritten. Here is an example:


Quoted Text
EXT. FLOWER SHOP - NIGHT
Inside the store Cal is observed, buying a small bouquet of
flowers. He hands his credit card to the ASSISTANT, then
reaches for a heart shaped box of chocolates, beautifully
trimmed with lace and ribbons. The assistant smiles as she
runs his card. Some girl is going to get lucky tonight.


All that was needed here was: "Cal buys a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a small bouquet of flowers."

The rest is either over describing (he hands his credit card to the assistant -- we don't need that, it's implied from saying he's buying something), or unfilmable (some girl is going to get lucky tonight).  You could easily lose a couple of pages by cutting out this extra verbiage.

You could also lose the whole conversation between the cab driver and Cal.  It doesn't add anything to the story.  You should put a SUPER at the very beginning of the script that says: "NEW YORK CITY - VALENTINE'S DAY - 1977".

As to the story, it was just too over the top sexually -- there's nothing wrong with a gay love story -- you can show the gay scene without being hard core about it.  I think the golden shower was just the popped cherry on top.  I think you tried on the romance angle, and I would have been much more interested in a straight gay love story. It would be much more compelling, especially in the age of hypersexuality.

The humor was just flat to me, but you did use the chocolates and flowers appropriately.  Overall, work on making your writing more concise and it will be much better.

Best of luck,
Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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