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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Last Dance At The Mineshaft - OWC
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  Author    Last Dance At The Mineshaft - OWC  (currently 895 views)
DaveTroop
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
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Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am perfectly fine with a same sex romcom, however, this one doesn't even begin to approach the genre.

While there are infinite interpretations of the genre, a romcom still has a strict format.
A couple meet cute, fall for each other, experience a hardship and/or breakup, then reconcile.
And let's not forget - COMEDY.

That's a lot of ground to cover in ten pages.  We don't see Cal and Steve on screen together until after page five.  That is too much time wasted and not enough time to give us a satisfying story.  And much of the first five pages is intended to shock rather than amuse.

You were able to check the other boxes.  I just wish you had given us something to laugh about.

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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DaveTroop


While there are infinite interpretations of the genre, a romcom still has a strict format.
A couple meet cute, fall for each other, experience a hardship and/or breakup, then reconcile.
And let's not forget - COMEDY.


dtroop....

Ditto.  You hit the nail on its head.  That's what so many of these scripts suffer from.  A lot of them somehow went off the rails, tacking on other genres.  Intentionally or not.  3 at least that I would classify as a rom-com horror story.  Another, a rom-com stoner comedy...

Writer, there's a lot to like here.

1) Your character descriptions.  Loved them.  It's similar to my approach.  I could immediately visualize them, and so would the actors.

2) Very clean, easy, and fast read.

3) I liked the general idea of the story.

Unfortunately, I can't say the parameters may have hurt you, but methinks you're robbing yourself of a lot of conflict.  I think more screen time between Cal and Steve is needed.  

For example;  say if this were a seven week challenge in which you had to write a rom-com (feature).   Cal, or Steve, either or, is struggling with his sexuality? Does someone find out before he gets a chance to tell his friends?  or family? Does he try to deny it and go back in the closet?

I can imagine some funny scenes of them trying to be together after one has come out.  Two people seemingly meant for each other, and it not working.  The relationship blowing apart, or better yet, they are kept apart by some other complicating circumstance... e.g., class differences, a previous girlfriend until, surmounting all obstacles, they are finally reunited.  A fairy-tale-style happy ending, which is typical in most romantic comedies.

Not that you would ever go this route, but maybe someone else might want to take the ball and run with it.  

Sadly, here's the thing.  You don't have seven weeks to write a feature.  You only got ten pages to tell your story.   The chocolates, I got a few laughs, you could have rachet up the romance.  But I think you checked all the boxes, barely.

I can't believe I'm saying this, I actually liked it.  This is normally not my cup of tea.  It's late, forgive my errors.

Okay, this is my last ride of the day.

Kudos for finishing...




"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Well, nothing spells romance more for me than our protagonist, his true love on his arm, walking out of the Mineshaft covered in piss! Not funny, not romantic, but... You've got a pretty decent story here. You write well, too. This story isn't for this challenge, but if you'd have posted it on the boards I would have thought it was really good. Your descriptions ramble a little. I'd tone them down. For the challenge, you miss the mark - by a long shot. But overall, well done.


Steve


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Philostrate
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I'd suggest to trim some of the descriptions.

Storywise... it's not bad and it's mostly well written, but definitively not for me.

Too explicit and R-rated. I didn't feel a rom-com.

All the best.



Revision History (1 edits)
Philostrate  -  February 10th, 2019, 11:30am
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realxwriter
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Cal didn't do much in the opening to reveal his character for us.
Michelle gave up on him too easily made the conflict in the opening weak.

why did you add "Is observed?"

Later, he's shaving -- "Later" should be in its own line.

I loved the rules. COCKS ONLY. That's where the story started to get interesting to me.

Using Tom of Finland was a bad move. I didn't get the reference. Other may not get it too.

OVERALL:
The concept is not new but this is not my problem with it. I think a chance for a better execution was missed here. For instance, most of the pages were wasted on describing the place that Cal was visiting in his secret life. It almost felt like the writer was more interested in showing us that underground world than telling us an entertaining story.

Also, the conflict was resolved way too easily for Cal. It only took one man to piss on Shaun to change his mind. And he found no resistance after that.

The lack of strong conflict and higher stakes killed this one for me.
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Spqr
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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I can see, from Cal's point of view, how this may be romantic and humorous. But for the majority of viewers, this movie would be more educational than entertaining.

For those who think the "activity" in this script could never make it to a mainstream movie, it's already been done. William Friedkin's 1980 "Cruising" had a scene similar to the club scene in this script. The movie is about a gay serial killer and stars Al Pacino as an undercover cop. The gay community apparently didn't like it.

At least no one dies in this script.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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romcom's don't normally contain dialogue like 'scared of being raped', neither does real life.

And unfortunately the script continues with a similar tone.

Didn;t get the rom or the com in this one.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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