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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Colored Skulls - OWC
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  Author    Colored Skulls - OWC  (currently 314 views)
Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Colored Skulls by Nemo The Sixth - Short, RomCom - When Bob finds himself about to be burnt alive as a part of a ritual, he gets a chance to go home free if he can only prove that he's loved. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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On the title page:

NOTE: This is longer than 10 pages but the script is mostly dialogue so it would be a 10 minutes or less short on screen. Aaron Sorkin would have approved. Please consider it.

I don't know if Aaron Sorkin is reviewing the OWC but run of thumb is 1 page is 1 minute and you're at 12 pages.
parameter 5-10 pages

Ok usually I'm the last guy to call out pissers but...

Jeff... this has to be you

Maybe I'll come back later


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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I don't want to be that guy, but the note on the title page didn't put me off. I'm not usually a big stickler for rules. What did bother me on the title page, though, is that everything is off-center. Did that happen automatically? Anyway, onto the review:

Unfortunately, this one won't be getting a good review from me. There are a large number of typos and grammatical errors in here (I know they're easily cleaned up and it was only a week, but I'm at 19 of them on page 5 thus far). In addition, the dialogue is nothing but pure exposition. The only thing that wasn't so far was the side bet that was placed (in all fairness, it looked cooler in "Die Hard"). You said Aaron Sorkin would approve, but I don't agree. He wouldn't a static room with people lobbing generic exposition at each other. But, there's still another half to go and I'm hoping it finishes off strong.

In truth, it didn't get any better. The same problems kept showing up. The use of the chocolates and flowers were a nice touch, but the dialogue had too much talking without enough being said. You hardly knew anything about anybody. It could be made better, but if I were you, I'd tear this down and start with a page 1 rewrite and attempt to do it with 20% of the dialogue you used the first time around. Might do better.


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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Sorry but this is out by a page and a half so it's definitely a DQ from me. Also not going to read it at this point with 40 scripts that have potentially met the parameters.

I might come back when I'm finished the rest, or after the OWC.

All the best.


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Warren  -  February 2nd, 2019, 10:16pm
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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I considered it, I read it.

I'm sure you had a lot of fun writing this, but I'm not buying a ticket to this rom-com.  

The parameter called for 5-10 pages.  Here, you have to play by the same rules.

There's good exposition... and there's bad.   All I can do is give you a few suggestions, do a bit more showing, then telling, and second, I would have been more forgiving if you had found a better way to make the ďinfo dumpĒ entertaining.  

Methinks whether it's for comedic or dramatic situations - the audience will accept it.  But this is JMHO,  I have no dog in this fight.   Kudos for finishing.


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoyable concept, but definitely needs some polishing. Itís hard to put my finger on it, but I enjoy the more casual descriptions, so that wasnít my problem.

The dialogue just wasnít on point. Iíd probably watch this, and enjoy it, but Iím not in love with it. Good work with the script!
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Despite the plea I'm going to have to leave this one - didn't meet the challenge.

Some may think that is harsh, but all other entries managed to do, so not fair to rate this one on the same challenge as them.

Well done to taking on the challenge though

Matt



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Matthew Taylor  -  February 7th, 2019, 11:42am
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
NOTE: This is longer than 10 pages but the script is mostly dialogue so it
would be a 10 minutes or less short on screen. Aaron Sorkin would have
approved. Please consider it


Out.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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You need to follow the rules. And this could have used some tightening.
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LC
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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I did consider it, so read it.

Too much of a hard slog for me. Ended up skimming which is never a good sign.

And not what I define as RomCom.
Sorry. Looks like you put the work in.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:19am Report to Moderator
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Alright Nemo,

Sorry, mate, in a challenge with 40+ scripts and yours running beyond the parameters it ainít gonna work. A DQ for me.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Gave it a chance, as requested.

You could easily find a page and a half to cut. The fact that you didn't is a DQ.

If it was tight as hell and still over 10... then, maybe, just maybe I'd let you slide. Probably would have only docked a point... but, it wasn't.

I thought the idea was clever. Probably not a romcom, but I can see your argument that it was.

Tighten, tighten, tighten and you might see your story jump to life.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:35am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Lots of entries this go round, and itíll be difficult to get to them all. Pretty much an automatic DQ based on your page count. Sorry.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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Definite DQ!

Logline is terrible, anyways, so I'm glad I don't have to read this.

Title Page is way off center and looks very poor.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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ReneC
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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I don't care about the note on the title page, but usually you'd reserve that for the first page of the script. The formatting of the title page really put me off.

More than 10 pages? If you go 10 and a half, fine. This is way over. You failed to meet the restrictions of the challenge. And Aaron Sorkin, you ain't.

I was going to give it more of a chance, but when you go meta and actually call out your own terrible script, that's the last excuse I need. Hope it was fun, good on you for at least entering.


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