OMG! Leo's Got Leukemia! by Jheri Curl Gyro - Short, RomCom - When an agoraphobiac's internet boyfriend gets Leukemia, she must face her biggest fear if she wants to meet him before he dies.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Omg this title. Sounds like a bad Japanese anime. Here we go.

Lose the ing verbs. Waits instead of waiting. Eats instead of eating.

"RU here?" as dialogue? Text speak? Seriously? Either this is a first draft or writer is not a native English speaker. Some formatting issues with the inserts of the phone's clock and Skype screens.

This did not flow. Way too much talking. Never really got my interest. We could see she was getting catfished the entire way so no surprises. Only funny vaguely funny parts are with Chang.

Eh.  

Well the Title got my attention the story on the other hand didn't work for me.

She meets her unseen love on a hospital bed.  A big fat already married man, then runs out the door and gives blood to save his life .  Romantic ???
I guess it had a nice predictable ending.

Didn't really laugh at anything

sorry

Although good job on entering.

Hi Writer,

Romantic comedies split a room, and to be honest are a very hard thing to do when one looks to absolutely nail the formula and balance required (damn that Richard Curtis). Any time I've been to the cinema to see one it's been on a date and the comedy better hold up as the romance is generally cheesy, suggestive nonsense you can't live up to. So, for me anyway, I'm really looking for the comedic elements to help me through this mountain of wonderful pieces of literary magic, and I'm sorry to say I just didn't really find it funny.

The more of these I read the more I realise that a lot of people run the risk of a drama rather than a romcom, and I think this falls into the former category. Dramas generally have a few comedic bits in them, as does this, so that's what I'm basing this judgement on. It's got the essential criteria regarding flowers etc, but it just ain't that funny.

Good effort on entering, interesting little story and I'm sure others will love it, but it just didn't work for myself on a romcom level.

Cam

Hi Writer,

Damn that ending is sickly sweet. Just laid it on a bit too thick for me.

The tone of this is all over the place.

I think it's a pretty good concept and with a bit of tweaking could make a nice little story, but as it stands this one wasn't really for me.

All the best.

Okay - lose Leo and you might have a decent Rom-Com here. Clove ordering Chinese Food to seduce Chang would be enough.

OTHERWISE - You have this huge logic issue.

Why would anyone donate blood/marrow to a person they just found out has been deceiving them for a long time???

PS - I did laugh several times - so there is that

Good-natured, with a twist (Chang turns out to be her romantic guy all along). Some style points and problems (I'm a former proofreader and copy editor, so pardon me):

* It's "lo mein," NOT "low mein." I saw that throughout the script...and I love Chinese food.

* Put a space between the word and the parentheses -- in other words, no CHANG(30s). You did that at least twice.

* The description of Clove's sexuality is well-done (intriguing and unusual name for a female character, BTW).

* She'd ride shotgun like a statue (not a "statute") in the car, no matter how agoraphobic she is!

* When Clove undergoes the marrow extraction, she should tell the nurse it's worth it. That emotion isn't emphasized at all.

All in all, decent for a short script, though it needs work.

LOVE the image of the red rose petals raining down like weightless snowflakes! Good start!

Maybe use real dialogue instead of RU since it's not text?

I don't think Jack should be married too. That just makes him bad. Stick with his other issues, because we can sympathize with that. Being married? Not so much.

Okay. Finished.

I loved the words this writer used. Easy read that appealed to me.

Story wise, it has some issues, but that can easily be fixed, I think.

It seems to me Clove just donates blood marrow and then she's on her way even after she was told it is a quite painful procedure.

I guess her internet love was not what she imagine when she met him in real life. That's something that could've been explored more, I think.

The roses were there and so were the chocolates and the color red. In fact I LOVED hoe you chose to use them. Much different than the cliche'd ways we often see. Great job on that.

It was funny too. I guess I just felt a little let down by Leo/Jack. Big serious thing that ended up being dismissed.

Great writing!  

Writer,

I like this story. I mean, it has its issues and could have been written a whole lot better than it is. But, I like it. It has potential. It was sweet, Leo/Jack was funny with his matter of fact reveal — that was good dialogue there. If you are relatively new to writing then the writing itself is understandable. And although it’s not quite ready yet, this is something I would definitely work on some more.

Good job!

Steve

Aww, this is really lovely.

I love how you used the roses, choc, and red.

A proper story here - beginning, middle, end, characters that jumped off the page, nice visuals.
I really balked at her donating her bone marrow and was almost ready to throw the towel in then (stretching credibility) but you bought it back with the last line - they save each other.

Please fix the 'low mein' to 'lo mein' - that really threw me
And please take out that Jack/Leo is married. 'fat and sick' is enough he doesn't need to be a 'bad' guy.

Not fond of the title, at all. Each to their own.

Loved Chang and Clove. Good job on the broken English in dialogue.

Suggestion:
If you're going to write an aside like this:

Maybe she’s
never walked in red stilettos.

Why not write it as: 'wobbly on her feet, obvious she's never walked in stilettos'

I really enjoyed this!
Amusing, romantic, no-one's head getting cut off, no dildos or swearing - just clever funny stuff.
Thank you, Writer.

Quoted from Warren ...I think it's a pretty good concept and with a bit of tweeting could make a nice little story, but...All the best.

Sorry Warren, I couldn't resist!
I am so sick of my tablet autocorrect-ing to daft stuff I keep having to correct it and watch it like a hawke.

A little tweeting is a good promotional tool, so I hear.  

Quoted from LC Sorry Warren, I couldn't resist! I am so sick of my tablet autocorrect-ing to daft stuff I keep having to correct it and watch it like a hawke. A little tweeting is a good promotional tool, so I hear.

Thanks Libby. Do you just follow me around correcting my English or is this a service you provide to everyone? :p

I don’t even have twitter so I'm surprised that's even in my vocabulary.

Quoted from Warren Thanks Libby. Do you just follow me around correcting my English or is this a service you provide to everyone? :p

No! Believe me. I just thought it was funny.  
I admit to being a grammar pedant though. Stuff just pops out at me. I'll do my best to resist from now on.

Quoted from LC No! Believe me. I just thought it was funny.   I admit to being a grammar pedant though. Stuff just pops out at me. I'll do my best to resist from now on.

I was only messing around. I prefer to know and always go back and fix it up. But thanks for quoting it, now it’s there forever haha

Okay, going to stop hijacking the thread now.

Welp, the title sucked me in.  I thought it was going to be some teen crush on a dying Leo DiCaprio, but instead it's a thirty year old with a crush on a fat married dude she's never met.

So my problems with this, and it's mainly logic oriented, is that (1) she has no reaction (that we are told of in the script) to seeing that Leo is this fat, bald, liar, (2) even though she's been lied to, she going to go through a massively painful bone marrow procedure to help this loser out, and (3) someone that hasn't been outside in like 12 years suddenly overcomes her agoraphobia by putting on blinders.  

I would have preferred she leave in a huff and depressed after finally meeting Leo, and then Chang saves the day by taking her the chocolates  (and maybe something other than Chinese food).  The other thing that bothered me was that writing dialogue for someone with broken English almost comes across as racist.  It didn't come off as funny.  Why not just make him speak normal English?  It wouldn't have changed anything in the story.

Beyond that, the writing itself was fairly good and the story, which could be better without the logic issues, isn't bad.

Just my two cents.
Best,
Gary

I didn't understand Clove donating the marrow. Not sure what story point it served. I guess from a character standpoint, it might have shown her to be a bit naive. She just got burned, but she's a giver... Still. Didn't ring true.

Knowing, now, that she ends up with Chang, I'd rather see you spend more time showing the interactions between he and Clove. In many romcoms everyone knows who's right for "her", and actively roots for the character they know is truly the one. This story could take advantage of that dynamic.

In the end, I liked it... but would like it more with a bit of rewrite. (Or, pursue Dave's suggested take. It's a good one.)

I like the title - it stands out and grabbed my attention right away.

But the ideas here seem to be in a pile - she's agarophobic, he's dying of leukemia, their first time sex... Why now? Why with him?
I guess I have too many questions. And I understand it won't serve the script any good if you start answering these questions.
For me it's just - there's no organic flow to it.
So I guess not for me this one.
It happens I guess.

Hello Writer

Ok, I'm in - Logline gives me high hopes.

Some good imagery. Liking the characters - a nice quirky relationship between Chang and Clove.

Clove is a good name as well.

I don't know what the term landshark refers to. or bimmer (same as beemer?)

Having been a recluse in my youth and using chat rooms - Do these still exist? anyway - I can understand the relationship she has built with someone online even though she has never seen him on camera or in person.

I like Chang - with the right actor he will be very funny.

Oh, landshark is beer.

Clove's reaction to seeing him is a bit subdued. He's sent her pictures of someone else, she never knew his real name, but she just asks if he's a realtor?

I wouldn't make him married tbh. Make him consider himself fat and ugly and that no one will love the real him, he's not agoraphobic but make him a recluse, too lacking in confidence to go into the real world to find love - In other words, make him a flawed human, not a bad human.

I think the above might make her saving his life more believable - IE the romance between them has now gone, but a friendship can remain.

A nice ending.

I like this a lot. I wasn't enamoured by the title, but some are.

Well done on this.

Matt  

Since the title of this has been discussed so much, I'll weigh in by saying I wasn't put off by it at all, but I was expecting something outrageous, some absurd comedy. That's not what this is.

The writing is good. Right off the bat, the visuals were excellent. This is well written, for the most part, though I wasn't a fan of the stereotyping for Chang.

The story is okay, but not great. Clove's agoraphobia is barely a thing, she gets over it pretty easily. Her just happening to run into the nurse and getting tested is stretching belief, and her agreeing to it goes beyond belief. There's also no reason for it at all except to give this an overly sweet ending.

She should just leave the hospital room, and in consoling Clove Chang demonstrates his feelings for her and she sees what's been right in front of her all along. Only it hasn't, Chang barely gives her the time of day until he reveals his feelings. I get that maybe you didn't want to let the cat out of the bag too early but it all seemed too easy and unreal.

Fix some of the issues and this could be something. Good job entering.

Some of the choices you make puzzles me. Like I'm not even sure you really needed Clove’s agoraphobia.  Not much significance here.  But there's also something about the writing that tells me you have skills. You just need to be more discerning and ask yourself at every turn, does this serve the story.

This had its moments; like the candy, flowers, and chocolates.  Kudos for finishing...

Very odd writing style. The writer seems to constantly shy away from using the word "the", which ends up sounding like a foreigner trying to use English. Yes, the delivery boy is Chinese, which validates the absence of "the" in his speech but when it is missing from active sentences "He pulls bag from behind seat" etc. it comes across as distracting and awkward. As to the story -- delivery boy accompanies girl to hospital and qualifies as perfect marrow match to patient with leukemia -- this happens so quickly it leaves one scoffing at the unlikely convenience of it all. To the writer, try again. Read a few screenplays. There's a seed of talent here but needs work. And start using the word "the"!!!  

OK, last one for me, so you know the drill...lots of detailed feedback...hopefully!

I saved this for last because I absolutely HATE the title.  Just saying...

Once again, we have a writer who doesn't know the ages of their characters. one is in her 30's and another in his 20's. So basically, we could have a 39 year old woman and a 20 year old dude.  Not good.

"low mein" - Really?

"cherry thing and orgasm"?  Huh?  Seems a little out of place.

"She drops phone on bed, rushes into bathroom." - Very awkwardly worded.  Why are you omitting "the" into these fragments?

Page 3 - We just now find out Clove has agoraphobia?  Why wait so long?

I don't know how this is going to play out, but it appears like these 2 are online together quite a bit...and/or Clove is a total idiot, so Leo's disease seems odd that it's just now coming out.  I don't think 1 day you're fine and the next you have Leukemia, but maybe I'm wrong.

"statute" - ?  Huh?

Page 6 - "SAINT PETERS" - Should it be "PETER'S"?

"Establishing hospital" - Huh?

"Thousands of cars" - Huh?  Why are there thousands of cars?

WTF?  And just like that, Clove is donating her marrow to this guy who's been lying to her forever?  C'mon now...

And she just happens to be a match? OMG!!

Writing really getting awkward, missing words for not apparent reason, almost like English isn't your first language?

The end.  Well, definitely not for me.  I didn't buy into any of it, didn't find it funny, and struggles with the awkward writing.  Wish I could be more positive, but in reading over the feedback, it looks like most seem to like this, so good job.

**1/2

OMG  What a title.

I had a few issues with the logic here.

How did Clove survive all this time alone in her apartment.  Sure she had Chang delivering her food, but what did she do for money?  Even though you could use Clove's condition for some comedic scenes - Chang physically has to carry her to the car, Clove's first encounters with automatic doors, escalators, etc.- I think Clove's agoraphobia holds your story back.

Another issue I had was Clove's choice to donate marrow after being emotionally crushed by Leo. It's too painful a procedure to enter into lightly, especially if there's no chance of romance here.

I think this would work best as a road picture.  Have Clove and Chang develop a relationship while driving to the hospital to see Leo.  Then after Clove's heartbreak, she and Chang slowly fall in love on the return trip.  In feature format, you might have the time to include Clove's agoraphobia and her triumph over it with Chang's help.

Not a bad script.  With some tweaking it could actually work well.

Thanks for entering.

Love the exclamation point in the title, but hate “OMG” wish it wasn’t there.

Like the opening visual.

Don’t make Chang a super stereotype, come on.  Not to sound all PC here, but he doesn’t need to have that stunted “me Chinese” speaking style.

Why are they talking on Skype? Who knocked? Is that a Skype sound effect?  I think I’ve used it 2 times in my life, so maybe.

12 years seems excessive, especially for the age of the character.

I do like how her only real friend appears to be the guy who delivers her food.  That’s pretty clever… but again, stop making him talk like a stereotype, it adds nothing.  People don’t laugh at that type of comedy anymore.  Leslie Chow was 10 years ago by now.

This is escalating quickly.  Now she’s donating marrow to her catfish?

Now she’s gonna fall in love with Chang?

I like the idea… kinda.  This isn’t a short storyline imo.  Good thought process, but ultimately doesn’t really work.  There’s a great way of setting up a relationship there, but it has to be fleshed out more.  Not a bad job ultimately.

Not a fan of the title, and there are some odd typos in some of the dialog. Such are "RU" instead of "Are you". You're writing a script, not sending a text.

Besides that, this one works for me.

I do think you missed out on some potential humor with the reveal of who Leo actually is. What if Leo wasn't a man at all, and in fact an overweight woman. And she didn't have Leukemia, but maybe she was pregnant? IDK.

Good work here. I liked that Clove ended up with Chang. Good ending.

Zack

Very good script. I noticed what might be an inconsistency: on page 3 Landshark tells Clove to visit him; on page 7 Landshark/Jack tells her she shouldn't have com. Of course, Landshark is in bad shape so that could be the reason.

Landshark comes off as a liar and a jerk, but asking Clove to visit him so he can confess in person is a step in the right direction. Of course, he doesn't have too many steps left.

Clove has been a virtual prisoner in her apartment for 12 years. And Landshark never visited? Why does she think they're made for each other (page 5)? Has he done something for her in the past that keeps her in thrall to him?

As soon as Clove leaves Jack's room she runs into the nurse and immediately volunteers her marrow. This seems too abrupt. She should be totally pissed off at Jack and storms out of the hospital. Chang calmly points out that she's outside without the sunglasses. She now realizes that in her anger she forgot about her agoraphobia. Now, she can go back inside and volunteer her marrow, because Jack has, indeed, given her life back.

Personally I don't believe the idea. Even for a romcom setting.  This man Leo aka Jack has a wife and he spends all this time online chatting up other women.  In this case Clove.  And what's more unbelievable is that she saved him.  Crazy logic.  She should have been pissed.  It's like he's cheating on his wife.  It's not right.  Romcom should have a feel good factor and I felt annoyed before I got to the end.  The ending, although good, in that Jack survives, was wasted on me.

Hate the title...

There's something I just can't get round with this... namely he's got Leukemia -so it just didn't work for me for romcom.7

Sorry!

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hate the title... There's something I just can't get round with this... namely he's got Leukemia -so it just didn't work for me for romcom.7 Sorry!

That's how I felt. And I'm dealing with people I know in life who have cancer; so it's definitely not funny and actually feels offensive.

For that very reason and because I love and care for the people dealing with this, I couldn't even open the document.

I guess we can all learn a lesson from this. Be sensitive to others' sensitivities.

Sorry dear writer if I missed a good script, but I'm sure, too, that you understand.