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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Worshiping Sophia - OWC
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  Author    Worshiping Sophia - OWC  (currently 568 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Worshiping Sophia by Lilly Pond - Short, RomCom - When a hopeless dullard gets a tattoo in memory of his ex-girlfriend he finds a wacky way he just might win her back again. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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CameronD
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Is CU for close up how its supposed to be written? Why is the flashback formatted as "Edward remembers"? Not a good start.

At first, they are oblivious to each other. Both reading.
He, Shelley. She, “Change Your Life In 30 Minutes.” ------- What?????

I dont get the ending. Maybe just a bad joke?

Guys are creepy and Edward naturally so. I find it very hard to believe some bad ass punk chick is gonna warm up to a random guy and give him dating advice on the fly. Also, all it takes is some bad sex talk to win her back? Too easy and not interesting. Not funny. Just bland. Sorry.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Had a small element of comedy , romantic not so much unless a strange tatoo artist teaching edward to talk dirty to his girlfriend qualifys.

Not a bad script and the writing was good.

Good job on entering


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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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In an alternative universe I could see the title being "Talk Dirty to Me."  I wished this had been funnier.  I didn't laugh once, or even smile.  The tone is right for a rom com, but tone alone does not a rom com make.

But I have no dog in this fight.

Kudos for finishing.


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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Congrats on getting an entry in.

Some interesting format choices I don't agree with, but I understood what you wanted me to.

I can see the comedy elements but that's the issue for me is that they feel forced and don't really work.

The script as a whole needs some work.

All the best.


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Warren  -  February 4th, 2019, 5:57pm
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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Nice title.

Was somebody inspired by Jeff's tale of woe with his girlfriend the other day?

The set up for this one reminds me of Rosebud -  same type of plot - a female character schooled in the art of what women want coaches a male character to help him win back his love.

Only trouble with this one was the lack of development in character, and I don't feel there's a really satisfying denouement.  There's just not enough to this and it's all too easy.

'resitting Shelley'? Bit of an auto correct/typo blunder there.
'Remembering' instead of a Flashback?

Okay, I don't want to lay it on too thick...
Bit light on with the red, roses, chocolate.

The guys in these stories really aren't too smart are they? God help us girls.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

This was cute. I like the Cyrano aspect of this, but felt it didn’t take it far enough in the humor department. Perhaps due to time constraints. But with a little thought I think this script can be a winner. Keep working on it.

Well done, but needs work.

Steve


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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I kind of liked it.

There were a couple of places where you went over the top and that wasn't needed. IT actually would have resonated more with a little more subtlety.

But all in all a pretty decent tale well written.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Dear Writer,

You did well with this.

First off, it's memorable. The title is good and gives us something to hold onto.

You had some amazing opening with the imagery. For example:

>He’s a dreary looking 30-ish man with a sorrowful look sitting in the chair like a monument to drabness.

I would really like to see the dialogue toned down. Not just in your script, but over all I'm just so fed up with the swearing and overdone sex... Whatever happened to the days when men courted girls? But there I go... Still recovering from yesterday's awful start to the OWC. I had to go and stare at the sun to recover. ... Ah but today's a new day and your script holds promise!!!

I had to laugh at Edward getting her a Dust Buster for Valentines!  

Dear Lord of Valentine's: Please let me win the lottery and let us get one of those Robot Vacumes. Amen!!!  

You did a good job with characters. He's a messy guy and she's a compulsive cleaner. A match made in heaven!

Nice happy effort!

Sandra



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from eldave1
I kind of liked it.

There were a couple of places where you went over the top and that wasn't needed. IT actually would have resonated more with a little more subtlety.



Completely agree. With a subtle hand, this can be really good.



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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Enjoy the Cyrano influences, but the humor needed to be amplified (and a bit more subtle).

It should be "lightning," NOT "lightening," at the start of page 4.

Like it; wanted to love it. Good premise that needs revision.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Sorry, didn't like this one.

Tula seems too nice and accommodating - not that these people don;t exist, but didn't make for good reading - would have been funnier (imho) if she was more of a hard ass, sarcastic, insulting but still helpful, she was a bit too sweet.

Premise is alright, being told to buck his ideas up, a bit like telling a barman your woes.

The last line Edward speaks killed his character for me, didn't like him. He is trying to reconcile with his girlfriend and then some crude comment about Tula's tits?

Didn't land - Didn't find any humour in it either.

Wait - where's the chocolates? are they in there? if they are I don't remember them - is the red and the roses just from the tattoo? alright I guess

Well done for completing the challenge


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Opening passage very awkwardly written, and the passive writing ain't never gonna work.  You don't give us Tula's age, so no way I can visualize her.  You say "young", but that is extremely relative, and you have readers of all ages.

"Slowly, one by one, eating every candy from a heart shaped box." - Very poorly written.

HA!  Dialogue is funny, and actually reminds me of...well...me!

"EDWARD REMEMBERS" - Huh?  Is this supposed to be a Flashback?  If so, you really need to format it correctly.

You don't give us Sophia's age, either...no clue at all, actually.

The Flashback is very awkwardly written..stilted, not engaging at all.

"We hear..." we're going to hear and see everything you write down, so no need to use this kind of BS.

"PHONE/OVER" - Uh...how about V.O.?

Ha!  That's pretty good, actually.  Dialogue is great.  Action/description writing is poor.  Roses, chocolates, and red not well done, and that's too bad as this could have been a contender.

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Dreamscale  -  February 5th, 2019, 8:58am
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khamanna
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Well written and all but too straight forward and for that reason it's about nothing for me.
There's no twist, just a story of a guy who wants a girl and follows someone's instructions.  
I wish he was more proactive himself, Tula is more of a man than Edward is.

I just wish it was more.
But the writing is good. The poem is good, although I don't like this kind of poems.
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Page 1.   Eating candy from a heart shaped box. I hope this is not your attempt at checking off the chocolate requirement.  

Well, the first page is funny. The dialogue works well so far.

Page 3.   Feel like Tula's dialogue is starting to ruin the good humorous mood you had going.

Page 5.   Resitting?

Finished. I liked it. You have a knack for dialogue. I did think you cheated on the items to include though. There were no chocolates. The roses, okay, but what about the color red? Did I miss something?

This script could easily be something someone would want to film. Especially if you make it a little more visual. Right now, it's pretty much all dialogue.

Great job even if you lose some points over the chocolates and the color red.  


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