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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Worshiping Sophia - OWC
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  Author    Worshiping Sophia - OWC  (currently 825 views)
PKCardinal
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 12:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hard to root for a guy getting back with his girlfriend when he's making comments like that to another woman. Kills any chance for romance.

(After reading about half of these entries so far, I feel like we need a worldwide class: Basic Romance for Men. I feel bad for the modern woman.)

Anyway, there's stuff to like here. The tattoo artist as "bartender," helping lost souls reconnect. That's good. I suggest you keep working on this one. Make your leading man more consistent (solely focused on Sophia) and punch up the humor a bit. It's not far off, and may get made.

Also, clean up the formatting and typos as others have suggested.

Good luck!


PaulKWrites.com

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James McClung
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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- Your first paragraph...

...is a sentence.

Your second paragraph technically should be a sentence.

Is there a reason these opening passages are so long-winded? Surely you could've broken them up/condensed them into something more readable.

- Why is Edward getting a tattoo of Sophia's name when he just broke up with her? Ill-advised to say the least. Shouldn't Tula say something? I think so. In fact, I think there might be a missed opportunity for comedy here around this discussion.

- The way this EDWARD REMAINS (strange format btw) sequence plays out could be interpreted as Sophia being a compulsive cleaner. It could just as easily be interpreted as Edward being messy. I'm not sure what we're supposed to make of this.

- In fact, this entire premise strikes me as strange. Does Sophia break up with Edward over the Dust Buster because it's a thoughtless gift? An insult? A bad joke? Was it in fact a thoughtless gift or bad joke on Edward's part?

Same goes for the ending. Is she using the Dust Buster because she is a compulsive cleaner? Or is she just using it cuz she has it now and this is supposed to be a gag of some sort?

Entirely possible I'm being really dense right now. But the tone here is honestly kinda inscrutable. I'm at a loss as to how all this is to be understood.

--

Strange choice to have a boring character for a protagonist. I mean, it could work to comedic effect, but I think you'd have to make him really boring. As of now, he's just boring to read but doesn't do much for the narrative. Also, has he been boring this whole time, or was he supposed to be not boring when he was reciting poems and the like?

Didn't work for me in any case.

Tula didn't work for me either. She came off as forward to an unrealistic degree, and her jokes felt like they were trying too hard. She also starts off very rude, going so far as to float Edward's plight as pathetic. Keep in mind she's a tattoo artist. Is she trying to get a tip or what?

Ending didn't work for me. Wouldn't Tula's poem strike Sophia as out of character, and the abrupt pivot back to his old love poems bizarre? Like, wouldn't "Edward, what the fuck is wrong with you" be an on-the-table response? Again, this strikes me as a potentially missed opportunity for comedy.

Not sure I could get a proper read on this one, to be fair, but it didn't appeal to me.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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James, this isn't mine, first of all, but in reading your feedback, I just get the sense that you aren't seeing this...or these...in the sense they're intended.

Maybe I don't quite get ROMCOM, but I'm pretty sure I do, as I've seen hundreds, but for me, a ROMCOM is almost always over the top goofy, and far from what would be "realistic".

Know what I'm saying?

That's cool you didn't like this one, but I definitely did.  No matter, but it's easily one of the better entries, and for me, very funny.  Just saying...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from James McClung
-

Same goes for the ending. Is she using the Dust Buster because she is a compulsive cleaner? Or is she just using it cuz she has it now and this is supposed to be a gag of some sort?



I believe she is using it because she is a compulsive cleaner as shown in the early scene with her cleaning his mess of crumbs at the table.

However, just because a woman is a compulsive cleaner, it doesn't mean she doesn't want, even need, spiritually, a sentimental gift.  




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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James McClung
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
James, this isn't mine, first of all, but in reading your feedback, I just get the sense that you aren't seeing this...or these...in the sense they're intended.

Maybe I don't quite get ROMCOM, but I'm pretty sure I do, as I've seen hundreds, but for me, a ROMCOM is almost always over the top goofy, and far from what would be "realistic".

Know what I'm saying?

That's cool you didn't like this one, but I definitely did.  No matter, but it's easily one of the better entries, and for me, very funny.  Just saying...


I'd agree in the sense that perhaps I shouldn't be looking for or expecting realism in every script I read. I do prefer some grounding in logic in order to follow a story, but that's a preference and perhaps a little unfair to project on others who have different ideas of comedy they want to present. I also made a point to say I may not have understood the humor in this one.

I didn't find this one to be over-the-top goofy though, except for some of Tula's lines (in fact, I think I would've appreciated some over-the-top goofy responses to what over-the-top goofy lines there were). But if the lines don't strike me as goofy, funny, or realistic, I don't know what you want me to do. Something could just as easily read as unnatural because the writer couldn't make it work, as opposed to them intending it to be silly or whatever. That happens, and it's a possibility I'm wary of. There've been other scripts in this challenge where I've recognized attempts at comedy and more or less let them slide. I might've said they aren't funny but, in those cases, more for the sake that the writer would want to know what I thought either way.


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James McClung
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


I believe she is using it because she is a compulsive cleaner as shown in the early scene with her cleaning his mess of crumbs at the table.

However, just because a woman is a compulsive cleaner, it doesn't mean she doesn't want, even need, spiritually, a sentimental gift.  



Of course.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Alrighty folks!

Going over these with one of those fine tooth combs like in Payer Fedris.  

I'm struggling whether to keep this one in my running. It's a really tight neck & neck horse race. And I love a good thoroughbred horserace!

There was a bit of dialogue that I was able to ignore, but it's niggling at me:

TULA
A woman doesnít want you to worship her.
She wants you to make her feel totally
feminine.

Nope. I totally want to be worshipped.  

And the

She wants you to make her feel totally feminine.

Hmmm...

I don't think that holds true either.

When I was a kid, I was pretty darn good at throwing a tomahawk. Yeah, I know... who lets their kid play with an axe? Hey, my dad was the most amazing guy to sharpen knives! Back in those days, you better know how to use all that stuff and not just to kill people with.  

So yeah, the feminine line doesn't quite work, but it does for Tula's perspective. So okay, after having that chat with myself, I guess it's good. But the worshipped... Hmmm?



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Alright Writer,

It was okay, this one. Iím not really sure about the last ďtitsĒ line, it didnít really scan that well, but apart from that it was quite nice.

My main issue is that it didnít really feel complete. Youíve got some good patter down, but there wasnít a convincing circularity to it.

Anyway, good job overall.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Zack
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Another solid one, here.

Nice, short, and sweet. Not too funny, though. At least, not to me.

I like the way you incorporated the rose, through the tattoo. Clever. You got the chocolate in there, too. Did I miss the red? Hmm...

I'd lose Edwards final line about the tattoo chicks boobs. It kinda undermines the message of the story.

Overall, good stuff.

Zack


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DaveTroop
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 12:30am Report to Moderator
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Worshiping Tula's boobs.

Sorry, just a meh for me.

There were some very creative formatting choices.
EDWARD REMEMBERS ?

The comedy was just okay.  The dustbuster bit was kinda funny.  Some of Tula's dialogue was too extreme to be funny.

Chocolate?

It's not easy to write a ten page romcom, let alone tell it with flashbacks, etc.

I think I would rather see a romcom with Tula and Edward falling in love at the tattoo shop.    
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hawkeye
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Not half bad -- the use of a female "Cyrano de Bergerac" is a nice twist on the old tale.  I like that Tula got him started and then Edward started freelancing and that got him back in Sophia's graces.


I felt like you missed on the chocolate and the humor portions of the challenges -- they were there, sort of, but not used to their potential.

But overall, not a bad effort here.

Best of luck,
Gary


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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You've written a good script here. Let's see how it battles out!




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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jayrex
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I actually think a dust buster present is a good idea.  Although my missus has told me to stop being so practical.

Youíve got some nice dialogue.

On page one, I donít know what this CU. stands for.  Assume a camera angle.

I assume the heart shape tattoo is coloured red.  But we will never know.  Shame no chocolates were there.  I thought this script had a good vibe.


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ReneC
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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The dialogue is great, for the most part. A few spelling mistakes, some formatting issues, and how many times can you say tattoo in the opening paragraph? Maybe it was a rush job.

I'm assuming you meant chocolates when you said "candy" but you should have just said so. The red and the flowers is the tattoo? Pretty much all a cop out.

Wouldn't Edward and Tula hear Sophia vacuuming over the phone? It really undermines her reason for ending things just three hours earlier...an odd choice for sure.

Lots of zingers throughout, but it's not really funny. Fun to read, that's about it. Romance? If reciting (see what I did there?) poetry counts as romance, then I guess so. I do like the ending, but the title and logline suggests this is Edward's story and it really isn't. The ending makes it clearly about Tula.

I don't think this really meets the requirements, but it does pay lip service to them at least. I do like your Tula character, she's terrific. Edward was all over the place, he changed to whatever you needed him to be to make the "comedy" work.

Good effort, I'm kind of middle of the road on it. I'd read anything with Tula in it though.


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Spqr
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Nice, and the characters are great. However, I might tweak the flashback scene at Starbucks: after Edward makes a total mess, I doubt neat-freak Sophia is going to reward him with a smile.

As for the tatoo, do people get tatoos of someone they just broke off with? Maybe he already has her name tattooed on his forearm, and he wants Tula to add the words "I hate" in front of the name. Or if he's not comfortable with such strong language, maybe he wants Tula to "who?" after the name.

Before she commences work, Tula advises him to think carefully about taking this irrevocable step, and pries the story out of him.
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