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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Lovely Eggs - OWC
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  Author    Lovely Eggs - OWC  (currently 501 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Lovely Eggs by - D. Brown - Short, RomCom - A husband and wife question why their heads are so itchy while their young butler cooks them breakfast. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:52am Report to Moderator
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Hmmmmm, hey writer!!

First one down and what do we have?? Well, we have chocolates, roses, something red, and the aristocracy up to no good...or jumping on the bad foot and doing the good thing...they're up to no good.

Now, it was formatted correctly, no obvious typos and it had some sort of a charm, but you've really used nearly every inch of page and you didn't need to. Essentially you could have taken an axe to nearly half that dialogue (IMO obviously) and had the same outcome,  it slows it down and drags after a while of the back and forward. It kinda reads like one of those toff style plays that the audience titter at, but you're sat there on a romantic night out and you kinda feel you're letting the team down so you titter along too, they aren't really my thing but that's personal taste.

Overall, not too bad, but it's so long and drawn out it got a bit irritating by the end...

Best of luck!

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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What the hell is going on here? This is like a review of two different things: the writer's ability to write and the writer's ability to tell a story. You are a competent writer (although there are a few mistakes you make consistently through the script) and have a solid ear for dialogue. But, I'm not convinced that this is an actual story. It's like a skit in the sense of being a glimpse at these people's lives than it is being a story about them. We really don't learn much about them -- certainly not enough to differentiate them -- and this was almost like an anti-romance. This wasn't bad, it's just... there. I wish I had something nicer to say about it.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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Looks like we're not going to FADE IN, huh?  Opening Slug is very poor.

"and without looking up from his paper:" This is never needed in a screenplay.

Page 2, and out.  WTF is supposed to be gong on here and why or how could this be a ROMCOM?  So dull, so irritating, actually.

You seem tio be able to write, but this stuff ain't gonna cut it, bro.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I found it way too dialogue heavy, and quite on the nose at that.

Comedy elements where very thin. To be honest I couldn't get a handle on the tone of this one.

Wasn't for me, sorry.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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My sense is that this is from a skilled writer but that skilled writer was a bit rushed.

I didn't understand this:


Quoted Text
Oliver has a thorough scratch of his head and without looking
up from his paper:


What is a thorough scratch??


Quoted Text
JAMES
Certainly. Apologies, Mrs.


Mrs??


Quoted Text
James is entirely stationary bar his right arm, rotating
robotically above the frying pan.


I didn't understand this sentence because you missed a comma after bar. I think s/b

James is entirely stationary, except for his right arm, which rotates
robotically above the frying pan.

On to the story - interesting - I think you did a good job with your character voices. I didn't buy at all that the Mother's death would be concealed so that was a problem for me.

It ends rather abruptly - like you got to page 10 and ran out of pages.

I give you credit for an interesting take on this theme.  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:51am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one dragged on longer than it needed to be.   I also found the dialogue to be a little flat.  I wish I could say something profound about how to improve it, but I probably cannot. Dialogue reflects the dynamic that motivates a story, and nothing here really grabbed me.  In a nutshell,  I just didn't feel drawn into the story.

Kudos for finishing.


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

https://lifeofrileysite.yolasite.com/resources/Jayonna%20Wick.pdf

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Well, I read it, darling.

The thing is I don't think there's anything productive I can contribute.

It's itching and scratching and banter that really didn't land for me.
No feeling of RomCom. It just felt like someone up to no good (plot-wise, I mean) and it read like a U.S.writer having a go at writing toffee-nose Brit characters.

Sorry, nothing more to add.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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No Fade in and no Fade out

I was enjoying the banter back and forth and then you just had to drop an F bomb as well.
I think you could have made this at most 6 pages.

The writing was very good but the story itself of couple finding out their dark secrets and then covering up was pretty obvious where it was going.

a good entry not great

Good job on entering


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I had to smile at the logline.

The story confused me. Getting critted out, maybe, but I didn't want to go back and try and figure it out.

Something about some Maggie girl.

This could be good with more clarity. I just wasn't sure what was up with the missing chocolates etc...

Maybe show what happened first. Then we know and can appreciate watching the characters try and cover it up.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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khamanna
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, this was absolutely great.
Funny and kept me interested.
The dialog was a lot of fun.
I liked the ending.
You almost fooled me there towards the end - I started to believe Oliver and Leslie and their crazy stories - chocolates for Maggie's dying mother.

I think you forgot a story that Leslie should tell Oliver to redeem herself - how she explains why the tie was in the cabinet? She didn't.

This is pretty great. It's a comedy, not a rom com. But there's love in it too. So maybe... just maybe. High marks from me.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer - I'm jumping in.

Nice writing. Loving the dialogue and the chemistry between the characters.

I bloody loved it lol I found the characters and the story engaging. I chuckled a few times, cleverly done I thought. Must be a veteran of the forum.

Lower on the romance than some of the entries, but considering other entries include murder, golden showers and a dildo up an ass, I'm considering this one to be on the romantic side.

Very good.

Matt


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I missed the romance. You started to bring it around, but then by finishing with "shhhh", we're back to two cheating spouses. Funny, but, not romantic.

Cutting a few pages would go a long way to making this sing. You had me engaged, but as you drug the mystery out, I became less so. Had you finished around 6 or 7 pages, I would have still been at the height of my curiosity.

In the end, I was slightly confused as to the specifics, but no longer interested in going back to find out what I missed.

Tighten this up and post it on the site as a comedy short. It's an easy shoot, if you get it right.


PaulKWrites.com

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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Sorry, couldnít make heads or tails of this one. First off, you lost me with all this dialogue, which rambled about the entire script. By page 4 I still didnít know what was going on and thought James might have put something in their food. Then more dialogue, then I started skimming, which isnít good. Nothing happens here, and especially on the first couple pages you need a grabber, something going to pull us along and make us want to read further. You had the itch, but thatís all it was. The tension never mounted, and it wasnít really funny or romantic. Sorry, writer.

Steve


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Spqr
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice. Reminiscent of an old-fashioned comedy of manners. Though it wasn't really a romcom, it was fun. An upper-crust couple with out-dated mores crashes head-on with modernity when they go broke sounds like a good movie.
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