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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -One Week Challenge  ›  In Love and War - OWC
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  Author    In Love and War - OWC  (currently 492 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In Love and War by Buck Turgidson - Short, RomCom - A damsel in distress discovers that her rescuer is not exactly a knight in shining armor. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Errrr...hi Buck!

So, it's a romantic comedy challenge? Yep, just checking. There's comedy here, that's without a doubt, but I kinda get the feeling this is an action film...

Let me justify that statement. Action films: things go bang, people die, there's action-y stuff and invariably an odd couple involved, frequently with a female role counteracting an Arnie style man going wild with a gun...and also romance of sorts involved. Just because they kinda like each other and it's funny doesn't make this a romcom!! It's an action film!!!!!

Still, it was quite funny, the roses and chocolate were well done and it kept me going.

Well done on entering,

Cam

P.S. it's definitely an action film


23 Mu Mus in an ice cream van...
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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It had it's comedy,  it had a hint of romanticism not the trading a chocolate bar for sex more covering her in protection after rifle fire gunned down. It made him seem... noble

As far as an actual ROMCOM does it qualify? As Cam says its more action based than anything with romantic and comedy taking a backseat instead of the forefront.

Overall an enjoyable read though

good job on entering


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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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I think I see what you're going for here but this ain't no Romancing The Stone.

I think you need to juxtapose the danger with humour more. More a boulder is headed straight for her and less of the graphic violence as per the opening. And, up his honour. The kiss was a bit misplaced and love and admiration didn't really develop. I liked that he was a bit of a buffoon but balance that with more charisma and smarts.

Some lines amused me. Good choice with the love/hate relationship.
The roses, choc, red? Interesting choices.
You chose a different style and put some work into this, it just didn't quite work for me.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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Oh boy...we're off to a very rough start with that opening Slug.  Central Europe would be a SUPER.  Start with the biggest "location/structure" - INT. MOUNTAIN LODGE - BASEMENT.

1st passage - OK, so, what would we see first - "a sagging cot", or Allison, sitting on it?

"to staircase" - how about "to a staircase"?  "at opposite end.." - how about "at the opposite end"?  This kind of awkward writing is never going to fly.

CAP all new intros!

Was there some kind of memo that went out to everyone except me that said to constantly use wrylies in this OWC?  Unreal...

Writing very stilted, incomplete thoughts, missing words here and there...odd.

But, worse, is that this doesn't seem to be remotely anything anyone could call a ROMCOM.

Don't repeat where we are in a new Slug...we know exactly where we are, based on the Slug you give us.

Page 3 and I'm sadly out.  Dumb dialogue, poorly written action/description lines, absolutely nothing remotely realistic or ROMCOM here.  The line about the roses are pretty dreadful, sorry to say.

Maybe peeps will dig this.  I do not.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Not a Rom-Com - this is a genre bender. You wanted to write something other than a Rom-Com.

This:


Quoted Text
STRYKER
What? Hey, I asked for a dozen
roses, not a dozen roses!
ALLISON
What?
STRYKER
A rose is a napalm grenade. What
were those idiots thinking?


Kind of left me flat - logic issue. Who's he asking the grenades from - a florist??

Well written enough. Just not the right theme for me


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written so good job there! Unfortunately...

It felt to me like someone had taken a section out of an action movie and copied and pasted it into a document and voila!

I wouldn't call it Romance. More like a one nighter. However, you did have chocolate and roses!  

Very nice effort.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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This didn't work for me as a romcom, especially when you undercut any potential for romance by describing it as a trade of sex for chocolate.

The humor was a bit inconsistent... sometimes feeling downright silly. Some Naked-Gun style humor, followed by more straight-line humor. I wasn't sure which you were actually going for.

Laughed at the roses thing at first, then didn't understand when he later says it was intentional. So, not sure I understood this particular joke thread.

Kudos for the laughs that were there. Though, I think it'd hit harder if you were more consistent on tone.


PaulKWrites.com

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StevenClark
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Okay. Lots of words to read here think about a major trim. That said, its not badly written by any means. Anyway, I didnt really find this funny or romantic. You made an effort and I can appreciate that, and I can see where you made attempts at humor and romance, and they seem misguided as opposed to tradition rom com fare.  Overall this just did not work for me.

Steve


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Blood, already, page 1 - it's red I suppose.

Action in a parenthetical is never good.


Quoted Text
ALLISON
Vamoose? Vermin? Vat the hell?


This didn't land for me, very awkward - I guess I'm not to take this script seriously?

Not romantic, and the comedy wasn't for me.

Well done for entering the challenge.

Matt


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Angry Bear
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Page 1.   Where exactly is central Europe? I mean, Romania is quite different from Holland for example. (and yes, I do know there are no mountains in Holland) Not trying to be difficult, just would like to picture this place in my mind and I think an actual country would be easier than such a large area.

Absolutely hate Stryker right away. What an ass!

Also, due to his language, I'm having a hard time figuring out what time in history this is supposed to take place. It doesn't sound like present day, for sure.

Page 2.   Allison pulls a bouquet of roses out of the backpack?...

Page 4.   Nothing romantic in sight yet, but I do see attempt at comedy.

Page 7.   That kiss came out of nowhere. I don't see Allison going for that at all. I can't imagine any woman doing it willingly.

Page 10.   Indian country?

Finished.

I can actually see this being an outright comedy with a rewrite. Not so much rom-com though. So, not bad, just didn't really score high points for this OWC, in my book.

Thanks for taking part though.  


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 12:36am Report to Moderator
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Overall, this was actually a nice read.  A chore at times.  Could use a haircut (trimming) but your writing style is fine, you clearly have a fine grasp of things, but story-wise, there's nothing here.  Well.. not in the way of rom-com.  

Sure, your attempted stabs at humor and romance are clear and present, but misses the mark.  Methinks you spent too much time on the action.


Quoted Text
STRYKER
You know the difference between me
and your knight in shining armor?
ALLISON
What?
STRYKER
I�m here, and he�s not.


I liked this exchange.

Anyway, kudos for finishing.


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

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khamanna
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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To my knowledge, this can not be called a rom-com.

It's a drama. I think no war entries could be romantic, but don't know. Probably you could make an effort to write a rom com even in this setting. I might be mistaken but it doesn't look like you tried

The dialog reads random - especially at the beginning. She sees the roses, says it's for her birthday - when you didn't establish it was her birthday. Or did you? I might have missed that - it's kind of overwritten so it was hard for me to read closely and pay attention at all times.

It is very well written though. But not for me.
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Philostrate
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I liked the idea, but not so much the execution. The writing isnt bad and there's some humor but I couldn't feel the romance. In fact, all I saw was a man who takes advantage of a poor girl in war times. I enjoyed the love/hate relationship but this didn't work for me as a rom com - sorry.

Good effort, thought. I applaud you for trying.


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manxman
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Pozzling as to the point of the thing but at least the dialog isn't too bad and the writer keeps the speeches brief. Who are these people and what are they trying to do? Is Stryker there to rescue the girl? Who is she and why is she of consequence? Waaay too much emphasis on describing weapons. Needs a more succinct and imaginitive way to describe their usage. Having said that, the writer has made a valid attempt to entertain. If the writer keeps at it he/she could produce something worthwhile. Just keep at it.
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