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They are already in the store shopping for shoes and for that reason he would never say his first lines. Because they are already there.
The problem I have - it's a rom com and you have a lot of talk but very little of it is about Julie - and by the way, they don't need to talk about anything but rather do stuff, be proactive etc. Also, there should be more of Steve and Julie together. In the middle there you have Steve and his friend talk nonsense (in my respectful opinion) to each other. You reveal little about the characters I would say.
And it's talky for me. Some people can do talky. I never could. Yours here is better than mine though.
Okay, so this script has the look and feel of a new-ish writer. If so, welcome to the site and good job on entering. Now, you should realize your story ends without really much happening, has too many cuss words for a rom com, and one or two of your action blocks are way too big and clunky. Not to worry, that can all be fixed in time. So, overall, your story really wasn't that great, but I see potential with the writing and with the comedy aspect. Keep working. But I will say this -- this is the first script I've read so far in the challenge that made me laugh out loud! When Steve said he crapped his pants I just lost it! Good job, and good storytelling. I'd already known there was an issue brewing about why he left the massage, now I'm looking forward to him revealing it. And, to me, it did not disappoint. So good work there. Just the rest of the story felt kind of flat. But like I said, good potential!
Yeah, this was all over the place. So he craps his pants and then refuses to return her calls? Two weeks later, he then makes up a story about having an upset stomach. He could have used that story the next day. Didn't make any sense.
Most of the dialogue here, especially between Julie and Kristin, is either expository or on the nose. Same between the two guys. And those action lines really need some trimming down. That first action sequence when we meet Julie could be reduced to three lines at most, for example. Just say her desk is uber clean and orderly. Everything in its place. Except for the wastebasket. The rest is just filler.
The concept was pretty decent, but the follow through just didn't quite land.
Welcome to the site. Thanks for entering the contest.
Letís get the obvious problems out of the way.
The dialogue was what we call ďon the noseĒ - When a character says what he or she is thinking. Your characters have to speak more naturally without sounding like robots.
Your action or description is too detailed. Telling us every single object on the desk isnít necessary and takes the reader out of the story. Description should be no longer than four lines. Break it up into smaller blocks if you have to.
Always proof read before submitting. A no-brainer but very important.
The story isnít bad. Thereís some good laughs amongst all the mundane stuff.
It plays more like a straight comedy. You have the romantic interests paired off with best buds rather than with each other. So that really takes away from the romance.
As mentioned above, why did it take two weeks to come up with a lame excuse?
I think with a little more practice and reading more scripts, things will improve greatly. Thereís definitely something there. Thanks again for entering.