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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Second Chance - OWC
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  Author    Second Chance - OWC  (currently 768 views)
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:55pm Report to Moderator

Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

The Great Southern Land
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I've been racking my brain and finally got it:

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (missed greatly btw, RIP)
The 'shart' scene at a party -
Along Came Polly

I know, profound. Especially first thing in the morning.

Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
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Posted: February 7th, 2019, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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I suppose the story works as it is, but I can't see why anyone would want to see it.
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Posted: February 7th, 2019, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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They are already in the store shopping for shoes and for that reason he would never say his first lines. Because they are already there.

The problem I have - it's a rom com and you have a lot of talk but very little of it is about Julie - and by the way, they don't need to talk about anything but rather do stuff, be proactive etc. Also, there should be more of Steve and Julie together. In the middle there you have Steve and his friend talk nonsense (in my respectful opinion) to each other. You reveal little about the characters I would say.

And it's talky for me. Some people can do talky. I never could. Yours here is better than mine though.
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Posted: February 8th, 2019, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator

Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Upstate NY
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Okay, so this script has the look and feel of a new-ish writer. If so, welcome to the site and good job on entering. Now, you should realize your story ends without really much happening, has too many cuss words for a rom com, and one or two of your action blocks are way too big and clunky. Not to worry, that can all be fixed in time. So, overall, your story really wasn't that great, but I see potential with the writing and with the comedy aspect. Keep working. But I will say this -- this is the first script I've read so far in the challenge that made me laugh out loud! When Steve said he crapped his pants I just lost it! Good job, and good storytelling. I'd already known there was an issue brewing about why he left the massage, now I'm looking forward to him revealing it. And, to me, it did not disappoint. So good work there. Just the rest of the story felt kind of flat.  But like I said, good potential!


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Gary Howell
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 2:53pm Report to Moderator

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Yeah, this was all over the place.  So he craps his pants and then refuses to return her calls?  Two weeks later, he then makes up a story about having an upset stomach. He could have used that story the next day.  Didn't make any sense.

Most of the dialogue here, especially between Julie and Kristin, is either expository or on the nose.  Same between the two guys.  And those action lines really need some trimming down.  That first action sequence when we meet Julie could be reduced to three lines at most, for example.  Just say her desk is uber clean and orderly. Everything in its place. Except for the wastebasket.  The rest is just filler.

The concept was pretty decent, but the follow through just didn't quite land.

Best of luck,

My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Posted: February 12th, 2019, 5:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Cut to three weeks earlier

London, UK
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Quite a few spelling mistakes.   Iím sure youíll get rid of those in the second draft.

Not much romance.  More humorous.  Itís okay for what it was.  A story with shit as a subject matter is a tough sell here on SS.  Iíve been there before.

Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 24
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 12:59am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

at my desk
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Just for shits and giggles.

Welcome to the site.  Thanks for entering the contest.

Letís get the obvious problems out of the way.

The dialogue was what we call ďon the noseĒ -  When a character says what he or she is thinking.  Your characters have to speak more naturally without sounding like robots.

Your action or description is too detailed.  Telling us every single object on the desk isnít necessary and takes the reader out of the story.  Description should be no longer than four lines.  Break it up into smaller blocks if you have to.

Always proof read before submitting.  A no-brainer but very important.

The story isnít bad.  Thereís some good laughs amongst all the mundane stuff.

It plays more like a straight comedy.  You have the romantic interests paired off with best buds rather than with each other.  So that really takes away from the romance.

As mentioned above, why did it take two weeks to come up with a lame excuse?

I think with a little more practice and reading more scripts, things will improve greatly.
Thereís definitely something there.  
Thanks again for entering.
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Posted: February 13th, 2019, 11:50am Report to Moderator


Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
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I didn't care for this one too much. Not romantic or funny, and ten pages of nothing really. A lot of grammatical errors throughout. You use than rather than then quite a lot.

Not my cuppa,


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Posted: February 14th, 2019, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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The tone was off for me, the shitting himself bit just, well potentially in a full on comedy... but it's not really romcom territory in my eyes.

There's some overwriting in places but an edit would probably fix this... but if you are going to do that then I'd drop the rom bit entirely and go for gross out,

Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
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Posted: July 10th, 2019, 7:03pm Report to Moderator

Queens, New York
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I'm not sure if this was already said, but WOW:

"The best tasting steak has a little bit of fat in it."

I will be saying this in my personal life until the day I die.

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