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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Valen Crimes - OWC
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  Author    Valen Crimes - OWC  (currently 721 views)
Spqr
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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The script opens with a 3-page dream scene that doesn't seem to connect with Janet and Jack's relationship. And there's the 2 1/2-pages spent with Lady Stuck-Up that also has no connection to the relationship. And the final page is about the street people. As far as I could tell, it was pretty much business as usual for this couple, and the relationship wasn't impacted in any meaningful way with what went on.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry, but I was so completely lost, I don't have anything to say.

Except, there's a certain, persistent zaniness to this that, if controlled, might someday lead to some very interesting work.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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I like the cover, I'm a fan of mixing it up a bit here.

As previously noted, no dates in scene headers...

Okay so this is very whacky, not sure all of it is landing for me but some of it is raising a smile.

Some of it may be funny by accident but I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.

Until about page 7 when it loses me and I lose track of what's happening.

There's an almost Marx brothers quality to the staccato way some the dialogue develops, especially in the dream sequence... but ultimately no cigar.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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StevenClark
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Ohh-kay, so that happened. What the hell was this all about? Snookums? Wookams? Methinks not. Why? I was in a coma! Hmm. I still can’t figure this script out! Why? Valencrimes! Oh yes. Then there’s that utter nonsense. The what? Nonsense! You know, as in the characters? Yes! We’re they French? No. Does it matter. Well, one was. Who! Wookams, you turd! Oh right. Dafuckwasdisabout? Dunno. Maybe nothing? Yes! A dream! Maybe. Crypto currency is your fancy? Yes! Who’s? Snookums! Who? Yes! A gang of hoodlums down the street. Watch out. Hey! Where did Buckhoveritz go? Who? Buckhoveritz. Dunno. Maybe he’s with Jack. Oh yes... Wookams!

Steve


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jayrex
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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This was hard to follow.

Not a fan of upper case font in dialogue nor underlined words.  And when you read the dialogue word "EX-claMATION", it made me cringe.  I almost thought this script was a pisser.  No offence if this was a serious effort.

I suppose the wackiness could be seen as comedic.  But with a story that's hard to follow.  It makes it feel like there was no story.


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khamanna
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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It wasn't straightforward and easy to understand for me.

The plot is too much and in my opinion, dispursed. The way you chose to begin is also random. She doesn't recognize him, yet he came to her for help or whatever.

Also, I don't see any romance in here. So, for me you didn't honor the requirement at all.
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Conz
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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I won’t judge a script by its title page, but the style coupled with the title, writer and the “blah blah blah” makes me think you think you’re quite clever.  As someone who delusionally (which is not an actual word according to Microsoft word?) thinks he’s quite clever, I may be a little harder on this.  … but I’ll hold back until I start reading.

I think I was right.  Bucko… at least she has a normal name. Half page in I’m not sure what’s happening.

This is absurd… intentionally, but nevertheless

Feel free to hate me, but I don’t want to finish this. Not hating on the attempt or the style, I’m sure people like it, I just don’t have the patience.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
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@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review. I appreciate your time.  

A good writer shouldn't have to explain anything; so there's obviously been a lack of transmission on my part.

Here's some of what I had in mind. For those people who felt like they were in the dark, I apologize. It was not my intention.

So let's see...


This is a story about Janet, a lady who has an aversion to Valentines’ celebrations. Nevertheless, as a party shop owner she must rise to the challenge to decorate her shop.

One day, near the big event, she awakes from a disturbing dream. At first she believes she’s front and center with an important casting director, but it’s all just her subconscious wishful thinking as the dream shifts and she learns it’s some guy with an almost unpronounceable name ( ) who calls himself Bucko.

Bucko is really her longtime common law husband, but in the dream, he’s an unhappy customer who bought a defective Jailbird costume at Halloween. Ridiculous! Why’s he bringing it back now?! What’s this guy trying to pull anyways?! Making up lies he was in a coma. Well maybe he was, but that’s besides the point. He’s a big black and white striped pain in the keister as far as she’s concerned.

But then... the ominous sound of shots from outside and Men in Black are slinking about.

Bucko has apparently been involved in some kind of crypto currency scam and he’s usurped Janet’s password to do it.

There is an “almost” romantic interlude as they hide away from the Men in Black, the big time criminals, but in the haze of the craze:

Janet awakes with a snort.

It’s Status Quo now and she as usual, puts on one of her costumes for work while her common law boyfriend tries to wrap his mind around the concept of her cranky demeanour.

The problem appears to have its roots in two things: A computer virus dubbed Valencrimes which  ruins the otherwise smooth running of the business and has her doing more talking to people than she would otherwise like.

And secondly, the whole marriage conversation will inevitably crop up between her and Jack aka that Dream Pest, Bucko.

We learn that Janet has had a secret dream of being an actress, hence her love for dressing up in costumes, assuming different personas and working with the themes in the shop.

Jack comes up with a small solution to one of her problems: Do a youtube video.

In the meantime, it’s back to work: Jack has been on a Folsom Prison Blues song kick and that’s just another irritant that had made it into Janet’s dream as Jailbird Man.

After dealing with a snooty customer, Janet is finally done and she’s ready to take out her frustrations not only through the making of a youtube video, but getting a little personal satisfaction in the realm of “pay back” to a group of street people that hang out downtown and bully people for handing over money. (this part is based on a true story).

Janet and Jack dress up like them and infiltrate the horde. Janet, impersonating one of the gang, gets fifty bucks from one of them to “apparently” go get them fried chicken. And, just to be nice, she gives him some Valentines’ chocolate, in the form of Ex Lax.

In Janet’s final transformation, she peels off the homeless garb, revealing her new improved Valentines self, wearing a sexy red dress and a satisfied smile.

I imagine that Janet and Jack might finally tie the knot, but I never indicated that.

There’s something strangely satisfying about karma though... When Mr. and Mrs. Stuck Up get swarmed by the hoard. And Wookims dolls out some of his cash, it's good. But I do feel sorry for Wookims because he has to be married to the snoot.

So there's the attempt.  

Thanks again!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bfPwtUTP4k



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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