Valen Crimes by B. Hynde Bars - Short, RomCom - A party business has issues, but from what? A computer virus or a deep-seated Valentine's fear. Perhaps it's AMORaphobia and unfulfilled dreams. Whatever it is: Revenge is sweet on an ugly street where two struggling love birds play a different kind of role. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A couple strange formatting things right off the top: the date being listed in the slugline instead of a super or something like that. Then, "MALE CUSTOMER", but he's immediately referred to as "BUCKO". Some other strange choices so far: You use "wha-haut" and "whahaut" interchangeably and I'm waiting to see if it matters that Jack isn't married to Janet, otherwise why refer to him as a "common law boyfriend"? After the explanation you give, not necessary to include. You can get across that they've been in a relationship for a long time without getting married without ever bringing it up.

I'll be entirely honest when I say that, by the time this was over, Joe Louis just beat the shit out of me. I couldn't make sense of the plot, the word phrasings, the (I assume) jumps in time, except that she and Bucko (I'm guessing) did the Valencrimes Virus? From a pure writing standpoint, it feels like a veteran of the site, but there were a lot of misspellings and almost no commas anywhere to be found. It was tough to read through and one that I didn't particularly enjoy, not because it's bad but because it's... dense.

Let's start with the logline - WAY too long, detailed...and strange.

Title page is cool and I like the fake writer's name.  Let's see what we have here...

Don't put a date in your Slug.  If it's important, you need a SUPER

When you intro a chararcter, yuo need to set the age and description off with commas, or parenthesis.

How old is the "MALE CUSTOMER"?  Mistake here - as this is obviously Bucko...or whatever his whole name is.

No clue what's supposed to be going on here, but the dialogue ain't working for this Kid, the story/plot doesn't seem to be there, and I'm gonna bail early, sorry to say.

*

Ok, first one out of the gate, let's see what we got...

As always, just my two cents...

This is a strange sequence to begin with.  The dialogue and action sequences are really off-kilter.

Okay, so it was a dream.  What was the point of the dream?  Will it have any applicability to the rest of the story?  

Jack and Janet seem to have strange interactions for people that are living together.  Not sure how to view that.

I'm trying to follow  the story, but it's just all over the place and the dialogue is nonsensical.  I really do not get anything going on here at all.  There doesn't seem to be a plot, other than the Valencrimes virus seems to be affecting Janet's shop.  That's about all I'm getting out of it.   Sorry, but congrats on getting an entry in.

Best,
Gary

Quoted Text INT. TRENDY PARTIES BOUTIQUE - FEBRUARY 10, DAY JANET 30s wears her garb of the day. A long Welsh dress and apron with a stove-pipe hat. She decorates the window with shiny red hearts, but with a half-hearted work ethic.

A bit rough out of the gate. I would not put a date in a header - s/b a SUPER and you need commas or ( ) around the age.

Bucko was never intro'd as a character. JANET

Quoted Text Mr. William Lockheed The Third of The Wonderful Casting Company

You need a , or a . after Lockheed.

Quoted Text JANET Wha-haut coma? You one of those Mandella affected? Ooooh, the truth is out there

Haven't a clue what this means.

The more I read the more I get lost. I'm just not getting the references.

This wasn't for me - sorry.

Utterly mad in an ingenious way but tough to get through too.

Loved the sequence on page 8.

You have talent but need more focus imho.
And more romance for a RomCom.

Were there chocs, roses, and red?
Probably. Everything else was in there.  

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text JANET Wha-haut coma? You one of those Mandella affected? Ooooh, the truth is out there.

I understand the words but have no idea what the mean when put together in this order.

Quoted Text creepy images of TWO MEN IN BLACK

I don't know what I'm meant to be seeing here. What are they doing that makes it creepy?

I’m going to step away from this one on page 4. Sorry but it has absolutely nothing going on to keep me invested, at least nothing I can understand.

I went back and read the comments to see if I was missing the point, clearly Libby sees something here, I'm not sure what.

All the best.

Needs plenty of work, from the too-long logline to the clunky dialogue and the clumsy descriptions. Plus, where's the romance in this romantic comedy. (The comedy needs some punching up, too.) Back to the drawing board.

Ahh fancy title page with a long winded logline

I have no idea what i just read and I got through to the end...ROMCOM? I don't think so
Neither romantic or funny... or chocolates, flowers and red for that matter.. Or maybe the welsh costume was the RED but i don't think some other readers would know that.

Very tough read didn't enjoy it sorry

Good job on entering

Christ!

This one was tough, tough, tough...

Full of nonsensical dialogue.

Libby saw something, but I've no idea of what was going on.

Sorry, but this one wasn't for me.

Good job on entering, though.

Hey Writer,

Wow, not sure where all that was going and then went.

It kinda bumbles along, full of tally talk that just doesn’t really say or go anywhere. There was some kinda romance there, comedy was lacking for my own taste (obviously completely subjective). You basically could hack lines out of this and make it a 5 page work, but I’m still not sure it’d resolve itself with the current through line.

Not for me but you might get some other takers,

Cam

Hi,

A lot of creativity gone into that title page.

First slug is not right. "Int/ext. Location - Time of day" will do.

Sorry, about halfway through and not a clue what's going on. The dialogue is crazy and everything just seemed a bit bonkers.

G'luck,
Glenn

On the upside, you're hitting the zany sauce pretty hard, and I likes me some zany.  I think some of it is genuinely, and organically funny.   On the downside, I had a hard time following what the heck was going on, so my interest wandered.

I think this needs a significant overhaul, from content to writing... with a sharp focus on what is relevant to the story, on what establishes story -vs- what doesn't establish story... and then cull the excess stuff.  This is JMHO.

Kudos for finishing.

I'm guessing this is written by someone who isn't fluent in English. The grammar suggests a different primary language.

There are some really good lines hidden away in here, but they're lost in the mess. The dialogue is nonsensical and the story is really hard to understand. The humour is kinda there, or at least you tried with the dialogue.

If you are new to screenwriting, you're off to a great start, aside from the language barrier. There are some mistakes in the formatting, but nothing that can't be fixed simply by reading more professional screenplays to see how things are done.

Good effort.

Hello Writer - This is my last one soooo... please make it a good one

That title page - hideous

Wait, you have written that she mistakes this guy for someone else BEFORE it actually happens, gave me a head scratch moment - Also, remember that the reader is also an intelligent being (most of the time) In other words, we all know a bell above a shop door signals a customer has come in and let us see that she mistakes the guy for someone else, don't tell us first.

The conversation, why can't she call him Bucko? he literally just told her that was his name - and she is rude as fuck for a shop owner, but not in a 'Black Books' funny kinda way.

I'm trying to follow this - I just can't. I don't know what's going on - whats crypto? where did the computer come from?

Wait all that was a dream? come on, is it relevant at least, I'm gonna skip ahead and find out... nope not relevant, no Bucko and no Men in Black in the rest of the script.

This is my last one, I'm fatigued, I can't go on anymore

Best of luck to you

Matt

The script opens with a 3-page dream scene that doesn't seem to connect with Janet and Jack's relationship. And there's the 2 1/2-pages spent with Lady Stuck-Up that also has no connection to the relationship. And the final page is about the street people. As far as I could tell, it was pretty much business as usual for this couple, and the relationship wasn't impacted in any meaningful way with what went on.

I'm sorry, but I was so completely lost, I don't have anything to say.

Except, there's a certain, persistent zaniness to this that, if controlled, might someday lead to some very interesting work.

I like the cover, I'm a fan of mixing it up a bit here.

As previously noted, no dates in scene headers...

Okay so this is very whacky, not sure all of it is landing for me but some of it is raising a smile.

Some of it may be funny by accident but I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt.

Until about page 7 when it loses me and I lose track of what's happening.

There's an almost Marx brothers quality to the staccato way some the dialogue develops, especially in the dream sequence... but ultimately no cigar.

Writer,

Ohh-kay, so that happened. What the hell was this all about? Snookums? Wookams? Methinks not. Why? I was in a coma! Hmm. I still can’t figure this script out! Why? Valencrimes! Oh yes. Then there’s that utter nonsense. The what? Nonsense! You know, as in the characters? Yes! We’re they French? No. Does it matter. Well, one was. Who! Wookams, you turd! Oh right. Dafuckwasdisabout? Dunno. Maybe nothing? Yes! A dream! Maybe. Crypto currency is your fancy? Yes! Who’s? Snookums! Who? Yes! A gang of hoodlums down the street. Watch out. Hey! Where did Buckhoveritz go? Who? Buckhoveritz. Dunno. Maybe he’s with Jack. Oh yes... Wookams!

Steve

This was hard to follow.

Not a fan of upper case font in dialogue nor underlined words.  And when you read the dialogue word "EX-claMATION", it made me cringe.  I almost thought this script was a pisser.  No offence if this was a serious effort.

I suppose the wackiness could be seen as comedic.  But with a story that's hard to follow.  It makes it feel like there was no story.

It wasn't straightforward and easy to understand for me.

The plot is too much and in my opinion, dispursed. The way you chose to begin is also random. She doesn't recognize him, yet he came to her for help or whatever.

Also, I don't see any romance in here. So, for me you didn't honor the requirement at all.

I won’t judge a script by its title page, but the style coupled with the title, writer and the “blah blah blah” makes me think you think you’re quite clever.  As someone who delusionally (which is not an actual word according to Microsoft word?) thinks he’s quite clever, I may be a little harder on this.  … but I’ll hold back until I start reading.

I think I was right.  Bucko… at least she has a normal name. Half page in I’m not sure what’s happening.

This is absurd… intentionally, but nevertheless

Feel free to hate me, but I don’t want to finish this. Not hating on the attempt or the style, I’m sure people like it, I just don’t have the patience.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and review. I appreciate your time.  

A good writer shouldn't have to explain anything; so there's obviously been a lack of transmission on my part.

Here's some of what I had in mind. For those people who felt like they were in the dark, I apologize. It was not my intention.

So let's see...


This is a story about Janet, a lady who has an aversion to Valentines’ celebrations. Nevertheless, as a party shop owner she must rise to the challenge to decorate her shop.

One day, near the big event, she awakes from a disturbing dream. At first she believes she’s front and center with an important casting director, but it’s all just her subconscious wishful thinking as the dream shifts and she learns it’s some guy with an almost unpronounceable name ( ) who calls himself Bucko.

Bucko is really her longtime common law husband, but in the dream, he’s an unhappy customer who bought a defective Jailbird costume at Halloween. Ridiculous! Why’s he bringing it back now?! What’s this guy trying to pull anyways?! Making up lies he was in a coma. Well maybe he was, but that’s besides the point. He’s a big black and white striped pain in the keister as far as she’s concerned.

But then... the ominous sound of shots from outside and Men in Black are slinking about.

Bucko has apparently been involved in some kind of crypto currency scam and he’s usurped Janet’s password to do it.

There is an “almost” romantic interlude as they hide away from the Men in Black, the big time criminals, but in the haze of the craze:

Janet awakes with a snort.

It’s Status Quo now and she as usual, puts on one of her costumes for work while her common law boyfriend tries to wrap his mind around the concept of her cranky demeanour.

The problem appears to have its roots in two things: A computer virus dubbed Valencrimes which  ruins the otherwise smooth running of the business and has her doing more talking to people than she would otherwise like.

And secondly, the whole marriage conversation will inevitably crop up between her and Jack aka that Dream Pest, Bucko.

We learn that Janet has had a secret dream of being an actress, hence her love for dressing up in costumes, assuming different personas and working with the themes in the shop.

Jack comes up with a small solution to one of her problems: Do a youtube video.

In the meantime, it’s back to work: Jack has been on a Folsom Prison Blues song kick and that’s just another irritant that had made it into Janet’s dream as Jailbird Man.

After dealing with a snooty customer, Janet is finally done and she’s ready to take out her frustrations not only through the making of a youtube video, but getting a little personal satisfaction in the realm of “pay back” to a group of street people that hang out downtown and bully people for handing over money. (this part is based on a true story).

Janet and Jack dress up like them and infiltrate the horde. Janet, impersonating one of the gang, gets fifty bucks from one of them to “apparently” go get them fried chicken. And, just to be nice, she gives him some Valentines’ chocolate, in the form of Ex Lax.

In Janet’s final transformation, she peels off the homeless garb, revealing her new improved Valentines self, wearing a sexy red dress and a satisfied smile.

I imagine that Janet and Jack might finally tie the knot, but I never indicated that.

There’s something strangely satisfying about karma though... When Mr. and Mrs. Stuck Up get swarmed by the hoard. And Wookims dolls out some of his cash, it's good. But I do feel sorry for Wookims because he has to be married to the snoot.

So there's the attempt.  

Thanks again!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bfPwtUTP4k