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I think it needs to be subtle, but meaningful - Right now all I have is - Mary gets her purse snatched at the bus stop (Probably by a drive-by moped which is a big problem in London and the Uk right now) - The thief gets away, leaving Mary stranded as she has no money for the bus - The other bystanders at the bus stop refuse to give her money - Frank, however, sees this and gives Mary the last of his change - the bus is about to leave so Mary has to rush off without thanking him properly.
I like this idea. I assume Frank's money comes from him performing to get a haircut? If so, it means he can't get that haircut now so how about he passes a trainee barber shop that is offering free haircuts for a limited time. I've seen them before. Then, as an extra comedic beat, the trainee fucks up so he just shaves his head instead. Not convict tight, just a short top, back and sides.
Also, Mary could've passed by as he busked (I use the term lightly here) and thrown in a couple of coins (or not) so she will know he got the money from, at the very least, an honest endeavour.
If I go with the above, I am tempted to introduce the Fin character here - Frank wants to give Mary the money, but he lacks self-confidence, so gives some of the money to Fin to give Mary - Fin being a little prick, runs off with it - Forcing Frank to approach Mary and give her the last of his change. (I really like this Fin character - I might give him his own short lol)
After that - Frank is no longer in his usual spot for Mary to find, as he is off sprucing himself up - Mary sees Frank at the end of the street trying to build up the courage to speak to her, and she wants him to - but he doesn't - then the ending can play out pretty much the way it is, but along with giving him her number, she gives him his money back.
If you introduce Fin here can the ending still pan out as you've written it? I mean, is Frank going to take pity and give him the chocolates after that's happened? Also, if Fin screwed him over already, wouldn't he avoid this particular part of town? Thus, I would just have Frank summon up the courage to offer Mary the money as you suggested since she did give him a sandwich before. Now they've established a mutual bond. Frank making the gesture of offering the money will be a positive testament to his character, rather than complicating it with Fin. Then the ending could play out as written.
Alternatively, if you really do want to introduce Fin there, you will have to change the ending to reflect this so Frank isn't being repeatedly shafted by Fin. I mean, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice..."
Anyway, I also like the addition of her reimbursing his money at the end but the plausibility of her having her number written and waiting to give to him still doesn't sit right with me. Maybe she could just say something along the lines of; "You know where to find me when you get out", intimating the bus stop. Yeah, this could seem a bit too pitiful but giving the number still feels like too much. Or, she gives him a business card of the restaurant she manages and says he can call anytime for a hot meal on the house or whatever. That way, she is still giving him her contact details under the guise of charity. It's a little more subtle and less flat out romantic fantasy.
Yeesh, I wouldn’t subject anyone to that monstrosity. I did get it down to around 250 pages at one point and saw it as a 2 parter but it was still way too long. Years later, it’s now a single 126 page script that could still do with some editing. As you said, the work is never done.
It was cute, but I have hangups. He's clearly creative, with the signs (emphasis on the one saying he won't steal). The biggest thing is breaking in to shower. It just seems like poor judgement.
Last thing, the title really doesn't do it for me.
I loved him tripping Fin, and I adored him singing for the haircut.
This must be a revised draft that I've seen. Liked the character of Fin more than Frank, even though he's just minor. Couldn't generate much of a feeling for Frank. Script had some funny parts - washing in the rich people's house, the barber shop.
At the end when the cop nabs Frank. How does he know his name and about the 'crimes' he committed throughout the script?
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Rough Love - OWC
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