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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Don't Burst My Bubble - OWC
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  Author    Don't Burst My Bubble - OWC  (currently 1197 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 21st, 2019, 1:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Bowden, Alberta
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Quoted from LC

Sandra: Obviously you’re not familiar with the 'yummy mummy’ set. I personally don’t think feeding a child a few choccies constitutes child abuse.

It's true I haven't heard the term yummy mummy.  

Also, if done the way you intend, I suspect will be funny and over the top and not the way I was reading it.

The way I was reading it was:

I think that you did a really good job of drawing up a a self absorbed inattentive careless mother. She and her vain friend who are like high schoolers going googly over muscled men is part of the reason why our world might be in a shambles.  

>The women have taken to Facebook and Instagram, oohing and ahhing over photographs of themselves in various vanity poses.

>The Blonde and the Brunette giggle hysterically at an Instagram photo of muscled and tanned man.

>Desperate, she rips opens the box of chocolates, takes one out, pops it in Angelica’s mouth. Angelica acts up again, she frowns, starts to cry again. The Blonde Woman feeds her another chocolate, and another...

So all together, I very much felt like they needed to snap out of it and "relate" with the poor spoiled (in the wrong way) child. And that goes for the Grandmother with the boy, too. She cared more about Sudoku. But that is very much our world today.

Part of me reading it this way...

Recently, I was in a laundromat and two little children about two and five, (the five year old opened the door) ran out and into the parking lot where there was traffic.

I was right near the door, looked up and the mother didn't even notice. She wasn't even distracted by a phone. Nope. Just oblivious.

I went outside and called the kids back in. "You're mom wouldn't want you going out on your own like that." And the kids ran back in.

For me, it still strikes me as such an odd thing and scary.

I was blessed with a wonderful grandma. She read with me, took me walking in her garden pointing out and teaching me about flowers, she engaged with me, brought out pennies for me to count, told stories about her life etc...

By contrast, my mother was more self-centered. The perfect nails and such-- they ring a bell for me, but not a good one.

I guess some of those things are what made me read some of the lines and feel bad.

My experience with children tells me how it is the little things we do together that makes life special and enriched.

So with that, I think that by doing that same style of writing in another story, (borrow from this one) you could really produce some powerful emotional effects.

And perhaps in this one, there are things you can inject from the little girl, where she mischievously does something to gain her mother's attention. Something funny. Something that shows her less "acting out" and more "thinking and scheming"? Does that make sense.

I hope these comments at least help for pondering.  


A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Posted: February 21st, 2019, 6:06am Report to Moderator

Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

The Great Southern Land
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I think if it were filmed the primary focus would be on lil Tommy and Angelica - the other players were background characters, least in my head.

I appreciate your comments, Sandra. Taken all your comments on board and no doubt will mull over all the feedback.

Oh, and those kids were lucky you were around. I've found myself in similar situations with some people oblivious to what's going on around them, so I can relate.
Frank, thanks for the helium info.   I think if you look at the Aussie dollar exchange rate :1.40 U.S.  the cost pretty much evens out.

Anyway, back to the drawing board.

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