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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Don't Burst My Bubble - OWC
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  Author    Don't Burst My Bubble - OWC  (currently 956 views)
Cam Gray
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:21am Report to Moderator
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Heeeeey Writer,

So I’ll join in on the “cute” story thing. Again, this is tough, but I personally didn’t find it funny so comedy wise I’m not sure it fulfils that need, but being a subjective genre blah, blah, blah...

The lack of dialogue is an interesting choice, I couldn’t work out if it was a good or bad thing. It was well written overall, but the constant supers just threw me off and removed me from the script, not much fun there. Definite romance though.

Look, it was okay so far as I’m concerned, I wouldn’t be rushing to see it if made but I wouldn’t be disappointed to either if I stumbled across it.

All the best,

Cam

P.S. couldn’t get The Small Faces out of my head after reading the title, I fear this may end up down an Ogden’s Nut Gone Flake wormhole on Spotify, ta very much writer.


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from eldave1


Who uses gold coins????



Mandella affected people. People who ask, "Whauhat?!"  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ReneC
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, here goes...

This gets high marks for the bold choice in writing it effectively as a silent film. Very interesting choice and, in my opinion, you pulled it off. All that's missing is the score, which doesn't appear on the page anyway. Really cool, I'm happy I read it just for that.

You nailed the characterization of the boy trying to impress the girl. You must have kids or spend a lot of time with them, it's honest and real character.

I wonder if this a fellow Canuck...gold coins are loonies, or one dollar coins for the uninitiated. You could have helped people out by being a little more precise with that description.

It is over-written, way too descriptive, way too many beats. It felt really, really long for such a short piece, and that pacing hurts the story. It should be a tight, cute piece, but it's all in slo-mo. The emotion is drained from it.

What I have real issue with is objectifying the girl. She has zero agency. Her mother just tries to placate her, and the boy is obsessed with her and her own wants and feelings are completely ignored. She just smiles at some boy who just runs up to her and kisses her? What's the message here, exactly?

All in all, a big, bold swing and a miss, unfortunately. I'm still really impressed, but the problems outweigh the strengths for me. I'm still happy I read it, so thanks for entering.


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Add one more to the list of people thrown by the boy running around the mall and the gold coins. Too bad, 'cause I hate it when things like that throw me out of a good script.

I did like the "movie moment" of the coin rolling up to the boy, but you could keep that and have him pull paper currency out of his pocket earlier. A gold coin isn't out of place as much with a 70-year-old.

The mall thing was clearly a choice of convenience. You needed him to run around the mall, so he did. Making choices like that rarely pay off.

I was impressed with the effort. No dialogue was bold. Using the supers was also. I liked both.

The little girl was a negative for me. Even though she's 5, I still need to see what he sees in her. Instead, she was kind of bratty.

It may not seem like it, but I liked this quite a bit, despite its flaws. It'll get one of my higher scores for sure. Lot's of good feedback from others. Take it. Then re-post the script after the OWC. It'll be worth the effort.


PaulKWrites.com

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The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

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Philostrate
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

No dialogue. Wow. It surprised me. It's ballsy, to say the least.
  
It's a cute nice little story expertly crafted.

The writing is top-notch and the visuals strong.

The supers worked for me. Nice touch.

Cute stories are not my thing, but this one hit all the right points (except for the humor maybe...).

My only gripe is that the same lack of dialogue that made this one interesting, took me off the story here and there. Too much text, I guess.

Anyway - good job!

Solid entry.



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Philostrate  -  February 7th, 2019, 4:41pm
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jayrex
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  Pretty good story overall.  I can see the romantic side.  Can't quite see the comedy.

I think this one was written by a Brit.  On page two you've got favourite.

The one thing I'd question is that Tommy is being looked after by his grandmother.  But he leaves the cafe out of her sight.  I don't think a six year old could get away with this.  But for a cute story, we can let this slide.

Pretty good.  I wish it was funnier.


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FrankM
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Opening paragraph, and commas, seem to be wandering, aimlessly. The script is skillfully crafted without dialogue, but that only makes the questionable English in the action more distracting. It's overwritten, but to me it wasn't distractingly so, other than, the, commas.

The Transformer is named Bumblebee, the toy LEGO (officially always in caps). Be consistent with the formatting for trademarks... italics or not. Personally, I would italicize titles (songs, books, etc.) and not names (individual Transformers, superheroes, etc.), but the only important things here are clarity and consistency.

The story is an actual rom-com with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I'm with the consensus that there wasn't enough comedy, but the complete non-effectiveness of his advances qualifies as an attempt at comedy. Well done on the parameters front. No grandma is going to let this kid wander around the mall unsupervised, but that's an easy fix... simply have the balloon vendor right in front of where they were sitting. He is so focused on his task that he doesn't notice her mom buying her off with new stuff.

My guess is that this writer is Canadian. Sacagawea dollars aren't particularly common in the US, though Loonies seem more common in Canada (for those outside North America, both are gold-colored coins). Either way $5 seems a bit excessive for a balloon. $1.50 (six quarters) seems closer to a six-year-old's budget, though we are talking about a mall on Valentine's Day and neither of these kids looks poor.

Overall I liked this one.


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Spqr
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Nice script. Dialogue is overrated when it comes to children, anyway. The only thing I might want to work on is Grandmother's complete lack of concern that her charge disappears for a while.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Title is good. Logline is short which is good and rarely seen, nonetheless, the wording lacks life and passion imo.

That was different. I liked the no-dialogue and superimpose concept, worked fine. The writing also had much more flavor than the logline, perhaps even too many tiny details were addressed.

Well, it's sweet and cute and all that, maybe would work best as a cartoon. What I disliked is the typical poor boy (active) gives his all vs spoiled girl (passive) has to be won over. You need a fresher angle there imo. The screen language was fine and felt mature presented. There's just something missing for me. Interested if you got some suggestions from others. It's already good and just needs a little rethinking to make it work from A to Z.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Not a fan of those super imposes... don't think they work as a device and don;t sound right for the kid who's supposed to be saying/thinking them.

Sorry, this didn't work for me at all... not funny or particularly romantic.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 12:55am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, used to be more folk would post defending their choices/answering their critics following OWCs.

For anyone interested I'll have a go.

So, thanks so much to all who read and reviewed.

I wrote this with three hours to the deadline so I was pretty chuffed with what I came up with regardless of lack of/too many commas, over-description, and all that I threw at it. My previous few ideas during the week had taken a dive and this no dialogue idea just hit me.

Plus, Warren gave me a push, even if he didn’t know it with his: 'Are we going to see an entry from you, Libby?  

The gold coins were quick-draft me. Yep, Aussies have $1 and $2 gold coins – well, they’re coloured gold anyway. If I'd had time with a proper read through I wouldn’t have been quite so specific.

Speaking of: Thanks PK for seeing the 'movie moment’ with the rolling coin.

To those of you who liked the Supers as running narrative and tribute to other RomComs I'm glad in general that worked for most.

Pia, first out of the gate comment, thanks for your lovely review.
And also, Warren. Both your comments made my day.

Off course Grandma then caused things to go south with regards to logic and realism. Oh, well.

Tommy’s age was also a big problem and I agree. He needs to be a bit older. Eight, maybe seven at a push. Eight-year old's do experience first love, adoration from afar, crushes etc.

As for Tommy running around the Mall on his own I've given this a lot of thought and contrary to popular opinion I 'm not sure I agree. I came up with two things:

This is a script for a short movie. Things in movie-land exist on a different plane than in real life imh.

Also, if Kevin can run around New York City:
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104431/

I think Tommy can run around a small section of a small shopping mall, and with a little luck no catastrophe will befall him.

There are are other films with kids roaming, left to their own devices etc., for long portions of time, Hugo, Oliver Twist, Coraline, Russell in Up.

I don’t want to protest too much cause obviously I haven’t convinced myself entirely, and the proof in the pudding would be if this was picked up. I don’t want to write their ages any older though cause that’s an entirely different script with a completely different feel.

A few technicalities:

Jeff yes: ‘dons’ is correct, and what it should have been. The asides are fine imh. The 'we see’ on p.5 doesn’t read well and was me writing on the fly and getting carried away with myself. I agree it doesn't read well.

Frank: Good pickup on Lego etc., which I spelled incorrectly.

I won’t address all other points made but a few surprised me -

Sandra: Obviously you’re not familiar with the 'yummy mummy’ set. I personally don’t think feeding a child a few choccies constitutes child abuse.

Rene: ‘objectifying’ the little girl? That’s an interesting comment. I just saw her as the object of his crush. We all like beautiful things and admire beauty. In Tommy's eyes he's never seen anyone more beautiful.

PK: Regarding what he sees in Angelica – love is blind to tantrums.

Anthony: The Supers are purely a narrative device – not meant to be said or ‘thought bubbled' by Tommy. They should probably be formatted title - white on black.

Thanks again everyone who read and commented.
And yes, it does need a clean up on aisle five.  

I'm also going to have to learn how to comment on my own next time. I'm amazed at comments some leave on their own without being caught out.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 10:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Hmm, used to be more folk would post defending their choices/answering their critics following OWCs.


I agree with you on this.  I think 2 weeks is just too long for reading and then by the time things are revealed, peeps interest has left the building.


Quoted from LC
For anyone interested I'll have a go.

Jeff yes: ‘dons’ is correct, and what it should have been.


"dons" is fine, but you have "don's" in the script, which is not fine.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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FrankM
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Three... hours?!  

I liked the coins, they're more tactile than paper notes. My concern was the $5 price for a balloon, which seems really steep for any dollar issued in "gold" coins. HK$5 might even be a bit cheap for a helium balloon, but HK$1, HK$2 and HK$5 coins are "silver." That was why I suggested six quarters. The vendor comes off as a bigger jerk for refusing to haggle $0.25 off the price.


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LC
Posted: February 20th, 2019, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
Three... hours?!  .

Yes. No exaggeration, Frank. Which explains the bloody expensive balloon. , the Leggo, and the Don's typo, gold coins, muscle man, (should have been 'men') etcetera.
Oh, and another mistake (which nobody picked up on, thank goodness) the 'question mark' that Angelica was drawing.   I meant to decide what she was drawing later but had to submit with a minute to go.

I agree that Balloon Man is a jerk but some Vendors are like that - you're even 5c short, no balloon for you (Seinfeld 'Soup Nazi' joke there).

Thanks for your extra comments, Frank.

P.S. I just looked it up:
Single helium balloons $3 - Giant foil numbers $4 (Australian)
...
And Jeff, yep, it is Incorrectly spelled in the script.  It is a typo I was conceding to.



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LC  -  February 20th, 2019, 10:53pm
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FrankM
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Quoted from LC

P.S. I just looked it up:
Single helium balloons $3 - Giant foil numbers $4 (Australian)


Sometimes I forget that the US is a helium exporter... mylar helium balloons are US$1-US$2 here, big numbers maybe a bit more.

We actually have a Strategic Helium Reserve, and it took until 2005 for someone to realize that the US Navy doesn't actually use blimps any more. The current plan is to have all the stockpiled helium sold off by 2021 (because the government does absolutely nothing fast).


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