All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
I'm not partaking in this challenge so bear in mind my comments don't count towards voting.
Your writing is top class, you obviously know your stuff and I'll eat my hat if you don't score well...
Apart from a boo-boo here:
He turns toward a RUSTLING noise, reaches down and pets Loyal who lay at his feet.
And here:
Shirtless, bound with rope, Theo lay in the fetal position on the floor.
Again:
Theo lay dying. Theo lies dying.
Apart from that single word turning the sentences into the wrong tense, it should be 'lies' not 'lays' - and just in case you left the 's' off - ah, I see you didn't...) - I''ll probably bore the pants off you but I'll post my trusty tip regardless cause every writer needs to know the difference.
Sprinkled throughout with some lovely humour. This line (below) made me chuckle, as did Theo's vanity.
FRANK You’re a good boy. Let daddy do the dirty work.
The 'pretentious' line was a goody too, actually that whole shovel in the body paragraph, for this and that, and this is for the dog - terrific stuff. Adapt and overcome was a bit of a pretentious line for Frank - thought it belonged more to Theo, but I'm being picky. Suppose the pickup is that Semper Fi - perhaps Frank not being a bad guy as such but maybe falsely imprisoned?
But then:
SPOILERS:
He kills her? Yep. He kills him. He's your garden variety homicidal manic.
Hmm... Spoils it a bit for me - storywise.
Ends on a bit of a whimper (sorry), and with a punchline, more than a terrifically satisfying ending and tale of justified revenge, imho.
And, not to labor the point - as a writing exercise (the challenge) it's impressive, effortless writing with very natural dialogue, you evoke great imagery, met the parameters (was there a song, sickness, or storm - oh, yes, Jules was stuck in one... but it brings up the question (least to me) of the likelihood of this being produced which I think all OWCs should have at their core.
Apologies if I sound like I'm damning you with faint praise... Again, written very, very well.
Wow. This really is great. Very well written with meaningful dialogue and well developed characters considering the fact that it is only 10 pages long.
The only error I found upon reading this once is: 'Frank's filthy hand pets Royal's big head' You wrote 'Royal' instead of 'Loyal' but that is just nitpicking.
The writing and dialogue is solid. Clear visuals. Easy to read.
However, I was not fond of the story, mostly because the characters are extremely unlikable. Theo is presented as materialistic, cruel to animals, and a back-stabber. Frank is presented as a violent sociopath. I couldn't find one likeable quality in either of them, and this is problematic since they are both the focus of the story.
If Theo were presented as a lovable loser, someone we could root for, perhaps it would make for a more enjoyable read. But as it stands, it's about a bad guy who brutally murders another bad guy and his cheating ex-wife. There is no discernible payoff or takeaway (for me, at least).
I recommend rethinking and/or reworking your characters... add a likeable or admirable quality to one (or both) of them. The story can still pan out the way it does... it just needs some heart beneath the drama.
I agree with Bayne, Theo could have been more sympathetic and caring towards Loyal. His attempts to be nice, feed him, give him a blanket mean nothing to the dog because he is "Loyal" to Frank. We would then feel sorry for Theo, he tried but failed.
A sick twisted love triangle gone horribly wrong, at least, that’s what I took away from this.
Just an FYI. Police don’t - and can’t really - bang on a door, ask for ID, then just help themselves into the foyer. No, in fact, if a cop approaches you and asks you to answer a few questions, you have it in your inalienable rights to tell them to ‘go fuck their cap’ (anything you say can AND WILL be used against you in a court of law) even if they don’t arrest you on any charges, you could inadvertently say something that the prosecuting attorney could use to fuck you over if you were previously interviewed by the police (they do write shit down in their little black books)… but people usually don’t out of fear, and, of course what they see on TV and in the movies; people being complacent and all. Where am I going with this?
Well, this IMO could have added a little more backbone to the story, and Theo; being he treats animals with contempt, why not people too, especially authority figures. Then, I would probably just root for Frank a little more, that is, wanting him to serve some form of justice to Theo for banging his wife while he was in the can, and being an all-around arrogant prick. As it stands, I don’t really care Theo was with this dude’s ex, but, seeing him as a piece of shit with no moral compass will pique my interest when he takes a beating.
Outside of that, killing Juliana just seemed wedged in for effect, but, I guess Frank was really pissed off that Theo was living large, and doing so (perhaps) in Franks previous home, one he (Frank) maybe even paid for (no indication of that, unless I missed it), living large while Frank was locked up in the pen eating ass every now and again, or maybe not – cause he’s ex military and probably wouldn't take that shit from no one.
Frank should have let ol’ Loyal piss on Theo’s head too. It would have been so wrong, yet, so right.
Not sure it was intentional, but the cops somewhat reminded me of those two eggheads from Christmas with the Kranks; played by Cheech Marin and Jake Busey so that was kind of fun to envision.
Strange and bleak tale of retribution served on a cold night. It’s evident why Frank was locked up, that is… being a psychotic vet and all. Works well for the theme.
The opening text message could have been formatted a bit clearer - that being said - I loved the content of them.
This:
Quoted Text
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT In the LIVING ROOM, a fireplace fills the open area with warm light. It extends into the KITCHEN, where Theo empties a can of dog food into a bowl
.
Is wrong. S/B
INT. HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A fireplace fills the open area with warm light. It extends into the --
KITCHEN
Where Theo empties a can of....
Quoted Text
As Theo takes another step, a pit bull emerges from the shed. It lunges toward him, barking maniacally
You've already named the dog. So why not --
As Theo takes another step, LOYAL, a pit bull emerges from the shed. It lunges toward him, barking maniacally...
Quoted Text
Before Theo answers, Edwards enters. Jacob follows, steadies the
Jacobs
Quoted Text
The back door opens, JULES MARKS (30), steps out, careful to avoid a slush puddle. She closes the door. As she steps up onto the sidewalk, the Lyft drives away.
Juliana looks over at the SUV in the driveway, cleared of snow and driveway shoveled out.
Is she Jules or Julianna?
I didn't buy this:
Quoted Text
INT. PATROL CAR - CONTINUOUS With urgency, Jacobs opens his car door. As he steps out he sees Frank, in Theo’s shirt, glasses, same hair. Jacobs sees Jules wildly straddling what looks like Theo, at the front door. Frank waves, closes the front door. Officer Edwards laughs. OFFICER EDWARDS Didn’t know that dweeb had it in him. SGT JACOBS Me neither.
Okay - ten pages - I really loved about 8 of them - some of my favorite pages from the challenge so far. KUDOS. A couple were - meh - didn't quite buy it - BUT - the stuff I liked I really liked.
Not sure you got all three criteria in - I'll double check.
Logic issue - why would the cops leave after Jules got home????? They were staking the place out to make sure the villain didn't show up - not that she didn't get home.
Texting is pretty bland to watch on-screen. I think you could deliver the same information with Jules’ message about the delay- ‘…another 2 hours etc.’ and between that and later information we’d understand the situation.
Granted, I thought the dog would save the day (being loyal to Jules) and you didn’t take it there which was a surprise—instead it’s loyal to Frank. But where you did take it didn’t feel all that satisfying and I’m not sure the dog angle played all that much of a part.
Frank’s a monster. And he comes out on top leaving the win to go to an unlikeable and largely unknown character. Then again, life's unfair like that. Just leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. Like duct tape...
Thought the prescription glasses line was a good one though.
Good luck.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
From a story standpoint that hits the three criteria it's excellent. Good writing all around. It reminds me of a recent Forensic Files episode with an all-too similar theme.
This was very well written, a few typos here and there but they don't hamper the read at all.
The story is okay but there's no twist or additional drama, I think this could be fixed with at least some attempt from Juliana or Theo to fight back. As it is Frank turns up, does what he wants and leaves, a little too straightforward for me.
Ok, I liked the premise behind this, but overall, you played it too safe, it was pretty straightforward. I would have liked to have seen some sort of twist thrown in. And yeah, Frank and Theo come off as not likable. Well... at least to me. I dunno, maybe that was the point. I'll echo the other's well written. Overall...believe it or not... I did like it.-A
Well, I don't like Theo lol I guess I'm not supposed to like him?
Wouldn't the officers want to talk to Jules? It's her ex-husband who has escaped so I would expect them to go and talk to her about it... movie logic maybe, taints the script a little bit.
Writing is great, honestly. Created great vivid pictures in my head, evocative, and you hit the goldilocks zone - top marks.
The story was alright, albeit straightforward (Kinda wanted Theo to have been the ex-husband, played it super clever by swapping out the pictures and getting a fake I.D - would also have given reason for the dog hating Theo - a threat) - but no such twists came. The taking out of Jules was a bit abrupt as well - I thought he would have savoured that one.
You kept it simple and did it well, so for that reason it will probably be up there - Story-wise though, I think it will fade from memory quickly enough.
well, snow shovel and storm! You did it and it's a really nice story extremely well written. I couldn't tell by the logline btw, not the best logline at all. But the script is very good. The only thing - I htink you should tell us what happened to the dog, did Frank take him? And there should be some convo between him and Julianna. Otherwise it feels rushed toward the end. but Great job!
Really like the writing, dialogue and descriptions here - all good. I didn't know what was going to happen and you surprised me in a couple of places. Only the ending doesn't sit right with me.
SPOILERS Frank was too much of a psycho to be likeable (not sure, if I was supposed to root for him getting his revenge, though) and Jule's death was too fast to be a gut punch (also not sure, if it was supposed to be one).
Well written and easy to follow, meets all the criteria for me. I just found it grim and it kept on getting grimmer as it went along a predictable path. I didn’t feel sympathy for any character, there’s no obvious protagonist which maybe the point, but I felt that all tension was lost because of this. Not for me but that’s a personal thing and I’m sure some will love this.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Well written and things happen, but what was the point? A thug kills a weak guy and a woman we know nothing about. Since the dog’s name is on the title of this script, I guess it’s not surprising the characters aren’t better developed. However, I have a major bone to pick with the writer: why is the bad dog a pit bull? Talk about typecasting. How about playing against type, and making a golden retriever the bad dog? Those bastards have been skating on their good looks for long enough!
It's very well written. The only scene that got me was where Jules (or Juliana) gets stabbed in the back. After that Frank wraps her legs around him and goes through the front door. So what the police would see is a man walking out of his house backwards and waving at them. That seems kind of strange. Maybe you meant it differently and I am just reading it wrong but that part got me. Oh well, good story though.
Very vivid. Also reads like an actual story. Looks quite polished. Characters have personality, especially Theo. The dialogue looks natural. There's backstory to these events. Its intense, kept me wanting to read it. Something happens all the time. Ironic twist. Not sure what else is there to say.
This was extremely well done. Writing was excellent.
My only complaint, and it's a big one for me: the title is the dog's name and the logline promises a story about the dog. But, while important to the first two thirds of the story... the dog has no real role in act three.
If the dog played a more active role in the story's resolution, I think this would be more satisfying. Someone mentioned the dog being more loyal to her than him... that would be a twist... and fulfill the promise of the logline.
There are other ways to take this, of course, but I'd encourage you to rethink the ending.
(Also, the final scene just didn't sit well with me. Can't put my finger on the "why". But, I thought you should know.)
Nicely done.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Well written and things happen, but what was the point? A thug kills a weak guy and a woman we know nothing about. Since the dog’s name is on the title of this script, I guess it’s not surprising the characters aren’t better developed. However, I have a major bone to pick with the writer: why is the bad dog a pit bull? Talk about typecasting. How about playing against type, and making a golden retriever the bad dog? Those bastards have been skating on their good looks for long enough!
I'd agree with "what was the point?" part, that the story might need to be more original and tell us something relevant, maybe even uncover something in human nature. But I really want to disagree about "typecasting the dog". If it serves the purpose of the story, then sure, the dog can be something more original. But making the dog a golden retriever just for the sake of making something a bit different is pointless. That would be playing around with form, while what we really need these days is new content, saying something new about our time, the people around us. I get it, though, that it might be impossible or even unnecessary to come up with something like that for the sake of this challenge alone. But in general I think that we need to think about content first. I think that's how good stories are made.
This was a deliciously twisted tale. Like others have said, it was a little too safe and although I did get a chuckle out of the cops at the end, I couldn't help but think there's a better ending there somewhere? Food for thought. Enjoyable read though and was excellently written. High marks from me.
Seems the perfect short to watch for somebody looking to get some fantasy revenge on their ex-partner. For me, though, the story is a little lacking in story. The writing is very good aside from the excruciating misuse of 'lay'. If not for that, I would have had to score this a 5 for 'writing'.
Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care. Story (1-5) – 2 Characters (1-5) – 3.5 Dialogue (1-5) - 3 Writing (1-5) – 4.5 Overall (1-10) – 6.5
Thanks so much for the great feedback, everyone. I totally rushed the ending. At the last minute, the dog was supposed to turn on Frank and save Juliana.
At this point, after 4 years of personal turmoil which resulted in not writing, I'm just glad to finish something. These last 2 OWC's have helped get things flowing again. Looking forward to the next one!!!!