On The Beach by Steven Clark (StevenClark)  - Short, Drama - If only life was as simple as a day on the beach. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This might be just me and how I read it, but when I read the opening scene I thought they were an affluent couple, so when it flipped to Doug as a janitor I genuinely thought it was a new character. Maybe something in the first scene to suggest some level of hardship/poverty?

Apart from that, this read quickly and well, it was a poignant drama and the ending wasn't what I thought you'd set up but was still satisfying. But, I'd consider re-ordering the last couple of scenes and leave us with the animated sequence... maybe as a flipbook that he's showing his sister on the beach.

Good job.

A nit - but

Quoted Text INT. HOUSE, BEDROOM - DAY

s/b

INT. HOUSE/BEDROOM - DAY

Quoted Text A paintbrush glides along the wall. Light blue is the color. Then -- An empty crib that looks brand new. A dresser that still has a tag.

May be just me - but this is a wasted "then". Generally that is kind of reserved for jarring or surprising next actions - for the mundane stuff it's implied.  Hope this makes sense.

Going along, I'm really getting confused timeline wise here - some SUPERS would be helpful - I think we are flashing back to the school but the next thing I know we are at the beach and the baby is born - so that would be forward - anyway - I'm lost.

Okay - done - I like the arc of the story here poignant - but you got to help us out a bit timeline wise - it took a few times through to get my bearings.

All in all a nice effort.

This was well done in that it met the criteria in a subtle way. The characters and situations seemed believable and the only part that didn't feel as smooth was the dialog between the father and son about planting the apple tree. Nothing wrong with the scene itself just some of the dialog wasn't as strong or convincing as expected. Perhaps it was an honest depiction and we don't know all the answers.

Hey there!

This was very good. It doesn't try to reinvent the wheel, but I really liked it. The criteria is not only met, but matters within the story. You quickly got me to like the characters and sympathize with their situation - I cared.

Also props to your writing style: it is very visual, I could easily picture everything you wanted me to see. You took the time to add tiny things that really enhanced certain moments for me, like: "Silence save for the twisting of a screw."

There's nothing negative that sticks out to me...

His phone buzzes.

DOUG
Hello?

- Not confusing, but you could mention Doug taking the call.

Good writing, good drama, and a genuine warmth to it - and all of that in ten pages. Well done  

Writer,

Nicely written, quick reading and easy to follow, for me anyway. You seemed to hit all the S's. I agree that the dialogue during the tree planting could be touched up. You captured a sad, and all too real, moment in life and gave it closure as well as hope. The thing that left me scratching my head is exactly whose story this is, the man or the boy? The animation sequence could have served the purposes of both. Anyway, very good effort, writer.

Steve

Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: on a SUNday

Moving on...

I'm not a fan of your writing style - completely subjective - which is not a helpful comment, so not entirely sure why I feel the need to say it. (Writing is solid though, just not my style)

Hmm, this makes me feel heartless but I didn't really feel much with this one - Usually, father/son dramas really get me, this didn't, I wonder why? Maybe because this angle has been done a lot, I'm a little numb to it - Who knows, maybe I am just heartless.

Who is Maggie?

Anyhoo - Complete story, nicely done, a seasoned writer for sure - well done

Matt

As I go:

- For me, early pages are missing the promise of tension and rising stakes.
- Yeah, takes to page 5 to get a conflict that isn't money troubles -- not in themselves too interesting. I think this needs to come way sooner -- there should be hints of it, of sickness, of death, in the first scene, whether literal or not.

Thoughts:

- Yeah, a sweet little story. But it felt very straightforward -- and simultaneously not focused enough on the sickness and the dream that drive its story. The money troubles stuff doesn't seem to fit.
- Most of all I wasn't sure whose story this is -- it's a story of transmission, a father's hopes for his son realized even though he can't be there to see it, but I'm not sure that the father learned anything through the story and I'm not sure that the son's desire for the beach arose out of any struggle or conflict. I think this story either needs to be about the parents, and ultimately about the mother realizing that her husband is still alive in the dream he has passed on to the child, OR about the child, and about his coming to terms with the death. It feels caught between those two at this point.

Chris

Just my two cents - quickly - short but not so sweet.  Loss and sadness seems to be a common theme these days.  Methinks the family dynamic could have been integrated better. Again, easy read, well written, not much to say, just some trivial stuff.  In a nutshell, I enjoyed it.-A

I liked the story but didn't feel a connection to anyone. I think because you tried to show too much in only 10 pages. Each scene was a quick glimpse, and we were in and out so fast there just wasn't time to care. I did like the idea, and the ending though.

The writing itself could use some work. You're getting the idea a across and I can visualize everything, but it's not smooth.
Example...to me these just doesn't sound smooth..."An  empty  crib  that  looks  brand  new.  A  dresser  that  still  has a  tag." ...that's a lot of words to say new baby furniture...."The  open  window  lets  in  the  sound  of  a  car  pulling  in.  Now the  sound  of  the  house  door  closing,  followed  by  footsteps coming  up  the  stairs." ...again, alot of words to let us know her husband is home.

Good effort though. Best of luck.

OK, so here we go yet again with a pseudonym that just irks me the wrong way.  I guess it's just me, but you need to understand how these things can start the read on the wrong foot.

Opening Slug - no comma - should be a hyphen.  When you go from biggest to smaller, etc, use hyphens in your Slugs.

The writing style on display here is rather odd to me.  I'm not saying you're a bad writer, but I am saying I bet you're a new or newish writer, and I don't think you've quite found your voice.  At times, you write very well, while at other times, it's messy, long winded, overwritten.  You seem to be trying to write visually, but you're also missing that visualness (how's that for a word?) just by omitting very simple little things.

When I see an actual name for a city, a beach, a restaurant, etc., I look it up.  I see references to what I think are both GA and NY, but without "knowing", I can't know, and if I didn't look anything up, I sure as shit won't know.  Location is important, often very important.  It's important to the reality of what you're writing, as things are very different in NYC than they are in Cave Creek, AZ.  SUPERS can be your friend - don't be afraid to use them.

Understand that when you go back and forth in time, you need to state your character's new age.

Asides can be loved and loathed.  Remember that.  use with caution.

Slugs need to be consistent.  Yours are not.

Your tenses are off every now and then, or just not consistent.  It stands out and hurts the read.

OK, the end.  Story-wise, although nothing remotely new, you did a very good job of emitting emotion, which is very hard to do.  This touched me, and because of that, i have to give you kudos.

Execution-wise, not so great, but the bones are here and this could be turned into an extremely strong script that could be turned into a very strong short.

I don't usually "upgrade" scripts that aren't well written, but I'm gong to here, as I think you deserve it.  Nice work.

****

Oh, a sad story. A really nice one too. Usually I don’t like something this melodramatic but this one made me truly sad. It’s got to be the way it’s written and this one really well executed. The dialogs, the people - all very well done.
I also think it met all the criteria.
The part where dad fades away was especially poignant.
Only why would he make another baby right after he received the bad news from his doctor?
But I understand you needed this for the purpose of this story.
Anyway, very good job here.

A poignant story that's been done before but well executed.

Got a little lost as I was reading based on the time jumps, that's where SUPER comes in but besides it was well written.
Not sure if you needed to have to hardship financially and cancer thrown at the poor guy but I guess you where going for double heartstrings and sometimes it can come off too sentimental.

The change towards animation towards the end for Harold kinda caught me off guard and didn't really work for me as much as him putting on self made space helmet and play pretend in his room. You could even have his Dad help him make it before he passes... as extra incentive.

A solid entry

Nice story and great execution.

Hi writer,

Figured I bump this to catch up on the reads, or comments that is; but then again, the reads seem to be quite lean this go around for all scripts, whatev’s…

Any way, cushy little vignette, like one of those oversized corduroy chairs that seem to swallow you whole, and you don’t want to get out, or can’t for that matter, so you just sit there till it’s absolutely necessary not to.

I like the animated breakaway, it reminded me of ‘Jack and the Cuckoo Clock Heart’ for some reason: I think the ‘paper curls’ coming out of the train as billows of smoke in one of the scenes, and I envisioned the rocket (you scripted here) as doing the same.

It’s got a ‘Beaches’ theme woven throughout, actually, the beach could have been a good bookend for the script; two adult chairs to begin with, then the chair scenario changes throughout the script… just a thought.

I didn’t feel any particular connection with the deceased because the story is just a condensed version of a generic family, a snippet really, so I couldn’t get lost in the moment of emotional gratification from suffering a mild catharsis usually brought on by an epic tragedy. I am drinking an herbal tea with Valerian root in it right now, so being a little more laid back than usual made this read, I don’t know… an appealing quality that cannot be adequately described or expressed, or otherwise… je ne sais quoi.

Best of luck.

An emotional drama and you manage to fit in a lot of years in a short space. It was very well written, I just felt lost a few times with the jumps. I think a little polish here and there will make it clearer.

I had no idea who Harold was. I had to do a search on the script to figure this out. As he’s mentioned earlier as a baby in dad’s story and then we ‘see’ a fully grown man astronaut in the animated section, I’m not sure the audience will get who he is. In fact, I think they will assume this is Jeremy when he grows up, so there might be confusion.

Not sure who Maggie is. I think she’s the result of that coupling earlier but it could be the mother has a new man in her life? I’m also a bit unsure of the three empty chairs on the beach and why you didn’t tie in the apple tree at the end. These are all minor and can easily be addressed if you so desire.

Not really my cup of tea this script but I do appreciate the talent that went into creating it. I would urge you to get this produced as, honestly, short film festivals lap this type of stuff up and it will perform well on the circuit.  

-Mark

Dreamscale hit the nail on the head with the writing style. It felt like it was trying too hard at times, but I also was not getting clear visuals. eg. Mother-to-be, just write heavily pregnant. The visual is clearer. Story-wise this was a decent, emotional tale even though for a short not much was going on for the first handful of pages. You got 10 minutes to tell a story. Get in late and get out early.

A sad little tale with a bittersweet end.  A welcome change of pace from all the violence and mutilation…

Appreciated the understated approach to the subject matter.  You kept this focused on showing the impending loss and aftermath without slipping into melodrama.  Doug fading away was a clever way to handle his death.

Not sure about the animated sequence.  On one level I like it a lot.  I could see what you were going for but it felt a little out of place sandwiched between those two moments.  It’s almost like there’s two framing devices at play: the storybook and beach memory.  But you couldn’t decide which one to focus the story around so we got a little of both.  I don’t know, maybe it works?

Not sure about the seed planting dialogue—Jeremy seems more curious than sad which didn’t ring true.  That’s what was missing here, a sense of denial/anger that this was happening.  They all seemed so very accepting of the situation which made it all seem so easy—too subtle perhaps?

Kudos for something different.  A breezy read and one of the more accessible shorts of this challenge.  Hopefully one you come back to with a fresh pair of eyes and no parameters.

Good luck,

Steve

Code Light blue is the color.

Of the paintbrush? This image could have been worded far better.

Code An empty crib that looks brand new. A dresser that still has a tag.

The writing here is so matter-of-fact. No sparkle. The attempt earlier with the paintbrush failed.

Code Downstroke of the brush in the hand of CAROLYN...

This is a very awkward sentence.

Code But it can’t hide the glow on her face.

Really? Do women really glow when they're pregnant? What is this, an episode of Friends?

Code DOUG I’m serious. You should always be with child.

This is fucked-up. So, she's only beautiful when 'with child'. What a stupid thing to say. This is trying way too hard. Have you ever actually spent time with a female who is carrying your child before? If so, and you said mad shit like this to her, I'd be surprised to hear she's still around. To me though, it seems you're basing your perceptions off bad TV shows. Like somebody who is just guessing.

Code DOUG (reading to her belly) Among The Stars... Harold always wanted to be an astronaut. Even as a baby he would point to the night sky and make his baby noises. Noises like “coo” and “gurgle...”

If this guy's not a serial killer, this story is bullshit.

Code Water is hosed into a mop bucket. The soapy water rises.

What else would the soapy water be doing? Leave shots like this to the DP. I just find the whole image annoying.

OK, I'm falling asleep. Is something going to happen in this story? Nope, it doesn't like anything does. A boring, soapy drama.

Criteria Met (Y/N) – I don't care.
Story (1-5) –  1
Characters (1-5) – 1
Dialogue (1-5) – 1
Writing (1-5) – 2.5
Overall (1-10) – 2.75

Hey all. So, yeah, this script happened. Just a few notes on it, and I'm not making excuses -- some people actually kind of liked it. I wrote this in like five or six days, a little at a time. A page one day, a couple scenes the next. I submitted with ten minutes to deadline and never got a chance to edit and do a rewrite on it. Some have mentioned it reads disjointed and so on, so there's the reason for that.

But thanks to all who did read. I just really wanted to get a script in for this OWC.

Steve

Very concise dialogue, and action lines. You say a lot with few words. very melancholy story but very good. Maybe a false happy ending where we think dad going t pull through, but he dies anyway.

Nukblack,

Thanks for digging this up and welcome to Simply Scripts. I actually had to read the first couple pages to realize it was even me who wrote this! But it’s the title of a Neil Young album so I popped it open and took a look and sure enough it is my story.

Thanks for your kind words. This is a disjointed effort, and one that was mostly going for a vibe more than a cohesive story, but it has its moments I guess. Anyway, thanks for reading!

Steve

Steve, as promised, I’m letting you know that the review for this script has been posted here on the Blog Home page. As I told you previously, it was a pleasure to review this touching short and I wish you much luck with it.

Many thanks also to Libby for her excellent advice and “hand-holding” as she lead me through the writing of my first review and to Don for getting it posted to the site.  

Kathy

Thanks for the review and digging this one up. I’m happy you liked it enough to find it worthy of a review. Don’t know if I can find the original and change it, so the Sir Loyne Berger pseudonym might have to stay.

Steve