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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Contest
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  Author    OWC - The Contest  (currently 2624 views)
jwent6688
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Another pisstake IMO. Typos, I'll bet, were intentional. To someone who has a serious problem with them showing up all the time.

VERONICA
Do I look at you and say your an
asshole because you possibly ate
that in a hot dog.

The highlight for me. Good line.

Good quick read, typos too obvious...

James


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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Story wise I think it's good - he told her the truth, then lied about being a vegetarian, and then the ending tells all.

I thought that the dialog in the middle drags a bit. You could do a lot of cutting without sacrificing any of the story I think.

The presentation suffers from typos. The productions value is not too high, is it? The setting is not easy to shoot. On the other hand the setting is quite different (although it's my first read of the bunch).
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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40 scripts to look at; The first slug line being mis-formatted is a bad omen- enough for a pro reader to stop right there and toss in the circular file.

Okay in terms of the vegan/meat eater argument, but flat, pointed dialogue and a mediocre ending doesn't outweigh the the formatting/grammatical errors at all.

I'd pass on this.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Trojan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Yeah there are heaps of mistakes here, but I don't think it was done by someone intentionally. I think this script is by a new writer who hasn't read that many scripts before. If that's the case, just keep reading lots of other screenplays and make sure you give your work a few edits and proofreads before submitting it. This will make a huge difference. If it is by someone more experienced and wasn't done as a joke, well then it's a pretty poor effort I'd have to say. I'm only referring to the format and mistakes BTW, not the story.

I think this does a pretty good job of meeting the criteria of the challenge, and the actual story premise is good. However things take a turn for the worse when Veronica agrees to go off with Mark. I mean it wasn't even slightly believable, at least to me, that she would forget her boyfriend and start planning a future with some new guy that she has known for all of two minutes. Her attitude is very prissy but then he mentions he is a vegeterian and all of a sudden she does a compete 180 and her character completely changes. You need to have characters change more slowly and more believably rather than just out of the blue like that.

The ending was okay though, in the sense that at least it sort of wrapped things up nicely and you could feel that it was the end to the story.

Cheers,
Tim.
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sniper
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was somewhat boring actually. Talking heads. Not much else. The vegan/carnivore arguments were old and uninspiring. The characters were hardly fleshed out at all. The so called twist in the end was unbelievable. On top of that, I don't see how anyone could possibly call this script "Drama".

As for all the format errors and typos, I hope they're not intentional because...who would do that? Who would get a kick out of that?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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I won't comment about typos. I'm a typo specialist myself.

About the story it was simply OK.  I guessed the final twist from the start. Too obviuos. I think the contest itself lacks strongest imagery. Not disgusting enough to my taste.


Michel


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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Something tells me that Veronica will be tasting a hot dog very soon, given the fact that she left with a stranger.

Story was a tad predictable.  Now if Veronica was a carnivore killer who seduced Mark to get him into her home, maybe this scenario would have been believable.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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You know, when a script starts out like this...

FADE INTO:
INT. Byran’s car day
BRYAN GOODWIN is driving an old beat up Oldsmobile. He is in
his early twenty’s, skinny, sort of a dorky looking. Sitting
next to him is VERONICA WOODS a beautiful women, that has an
under delivered simplicity to her.

It's hard to want to continue. I will. Just telling you it's hard.  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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The story is simple enough and kind of works. I liked the two twists. Didn't see either coming at all.  Main grief with the story for me was that she left her boyfriend. I understand she was disgusted by his meat eating, but without saying anything, not breaking up first? That seemed a bit unbelievable to me.

Last thing, you seriously need to proofread better. Your spelling is complete crap.

So, story was okay. Characters were okay'ish. The writing...pretty bad.


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