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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - The Contest
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  Author    OWC - The Contest  (currently 2625 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Contest by Anonymous - Short, Drama - One contestent finds he might lose more then his apetite after entering a eating contest. - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Typos are the missed free throws of screenwriting; For every one typo it's like a point is shaved away at your total score.

This script is littered with typos.  They didn't really make it hard to read, but they were EVERYWHERE, including in the logline.  

The story wasn't that bad but it wasn't anything over the top either.  With 40 selections I think this one will be quickly forgotten.  Also the line "...an attractive twenty year old accidentally, on purpose, bumps into her."  Huh?

Sorry.



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greg  -  May 16th, 2010, 12:17pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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First of the bunch...here we go!

I promised to try and be nice...or at least not be a cock in my comments.  Will I be able to?  This opening script is going to really test me.

There are so many problems with the writing itself on display here, that I actually have to wonder if the mistakes were done on purpose, as in a joke.  Since I don't know, I'll have to assume this is a serious attempt...so, I'll throw out some examples.

"FADE INTO:" - "FADE IN:"

SLUGS should be all CAPPED, all the time.  There are many other formatting issues with your SLUGS as well.

Your use of passive verbiage is annoying and constant.

Your character descriptions are poorly done.

Many, many typos, misspellings, incorrect use of words, awkward phrasing, poor grammar, you name it, it's littered in here.

Dialogue is so on the nose and cheesy, it almost comes off as if it's an intentional joke.

No need for all the "CONTINUED"'s at the top and bottom of every page.  GET RID OF THEM!

On the positive side now, taken as a complete joke, this kind of works for me and the ending is pretty good.  I actually chuckled a bit.

So, in summary, if this is written as poorly as possible on purpose to be funny, it is. If the writing is a serious attempt, then it needs MAJOR, MAJOR work.

Hope this makes sense and helps.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  May 16th, 2010, 3:48pm
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screenrider
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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This could've been a good concept, but aside from the the obvious typos, what lacked the most (for me) was a better twist.  Need to put more thought into it.  You nailed the theme, but missed the genre.  No drama.
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Tommyp
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Others have mentioned the typos so I won't need to do it again.

Some well written dialogue (also some VERY ordinary dialogue) and a good situation is set up for when we get to the theme.

I didn't like the ending. There wasn't enough sexual tension for them to leave together.

Overall I liked the IDEA of this script, but the script itself needs a lot of work.


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Andrew
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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You've already got some feedback on the errors, and I don't really care about them anyway.

You've got a good twist ending, which allowed you to gain some ground you lost where the story hovered with no real conflict. This is about a contest, and that contest is supposed to flag the differences in life view - it's also an amusing visual - but you decide to go the route of a conversation, which sort of satisfies the theme, but not really. This is more a story about deceit and doing what it takes to get the girl, but there's nothing inherently wrong with its focus on theme. I just think the idea is better than the execution.

Andrew


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c m hall
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't like any of the characters -- which is not the same as not caring about the characters... at least a reaction registered.
As far as the ending goes, I guess they all got what they deserved.
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James McClung
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't like this one at all. Phrases like "barbaric" and "male stupidity" paint the vegan as a cliche right off the bat. I also don't by that her conversation with Bryan wouldn't have taken place earlier. Also, knowing Veronica's lifestyle, why would Bryan even enter the contest? Is he just a complete douchebag or what? If so, why does Veronica even put up with him. Didn't care for Mark either. Had no swagger which I suppose was supposed to be the case and he brought nothing interesting to the conversation. No one did. By the numbers, this one and more than a tad unrealistic. That's about it.


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dogglebe
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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I nearly put the script down because of all the typos; they were very distracting.  Hopefully, after the OWC, the author can work on it and repost the script.

I thought the story, character and dialog were all good.  Things flood naturally.  And the ending had a nice twist.  I would, maybe, change Mark's name to something a little more memorable.


Phil
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FDiogo
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Kind of predicted the twist

You know about the typos.

Veronica's disgust sounded good at first, when it looked like she was referring to the contest itself. It then sounds fake when you notice it refers to eating animals.

Too much dialog. Anyway, the idea was nice.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 – “FADE INTO:” – Doesn’t need the TO.

“INT. Byran’s car day” – Should be capitalized and with a “-“ before DAY.

“is driving” – “drives” - This is an example of something that can be tightened up and makes for a smoother read.

“There appears to be a fair” – In spec scripts it’s usually best to avoid uncertain phrases like “appears to be”.

Pg 3 – I like the story set up and introducing the love rival works. I wonder if this is a little dialogue heavy.

Pg 6 – Nice twist.

Overall I like the simple well structured story. It is dialogue heavy and you got a few formatting and typo things that could be worked on.


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Cam17
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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You definitely need to invest in some  good screenwriting software.  Your format, spelling, syntax and punctuation were all over the map.  For a six page script, this was really jam packed with mistakes.  This one in particular caught my eye:

"Veronica looks back to see Bryan with mustered all over him"

Yikes.

I think you actually had a decent concept here, but the execution just fell apart.


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grademan
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Three people at an meat eating contest one who happens to be a vegan. Not likely any one could do that without a vegan rant or meltdown. Kinda wish you had - the girl was too accomodating. Nothing dramatic just conversation. Points off for many typos and missed opportunity for drama.

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Mr.Z
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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The story was a bit "one note" in my opinion. Once you establish that Veronica is a vegan who hates meat eaters, you should focus on something else to drive the story.

Her rant against carnivores felt a bit repetitive.

Also, she was a bit too quick to leave with a man she didn't even know. This ain't a porn movie man!

Loved the twist at the end, though.


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Coding Herman
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 6:10pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think the conversation route works here because there isn't too much tension going on. Minimal conflict = two talking heads. I'm actually more interested in the eating competition.

Story is very thin as well. Every story plot is almost in dialogue form. But I'll give you that the ending is a nice visual twist.

Overall, the characters and story aren't compelling with tons of technical mistakes.

Sorry.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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jwent6688
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Another pisstake IMO. Typos, I'll bet, were intentional. To someone who has a serious problem with them showing up all the time.

VERONICA
Do I look at you and say your an
asshole because you possibly ate
that in a hot dog.

The highlight for me. Good line.

Good quick read, typos too obvious...

James


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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Story wise I think it's good - he told her the truth, then lied about being a vegetarian, and then the ending tells all.

I thought that the dialog in the middle drags a bit. You could do a lot of cutting without sacrificing any of the story I think.

The presentation suffers from typos. The productions value is not too high, is it? The setting is not easy to shoot. On the other hand the setting is quite different (although it's my first read of the bunch).
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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40 scripts to look at; The first slug line being mis-formatted is a bad omen- enough for a pro reader to stop right there and toss in the circular file.

Okay in terms of the vegan/meat eater argument, but flat, pointed dialogue and a mediocre ending doesn't outweigh the the formatting/grammatical errors at all.

I'd pass on this.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Trojan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Yeah there are heaps of mistakes here, but I don't think it was done by someone intentionally. I think this script is by a new writer who hasn't read that many scripts before. If that's the case, just keep reading lots of other screenplays and make sure you give your work a few edits and proofreads before submitting it. This will make a huge difference. If it is by someone more experienced and wasn't done as a joke, well then it's a pretty poor effort I'd have to say. I'm only referring to the format and mistakes BTW, not the story.

I think this does a pretty good job of meeting the criteria of the challenge, and the actual story premise is good. However things take a turn for the worse when Veronica agrees to go off with Mark. I mean it wasn't even slightly believable, at least to me, that she would forget her boyfriend and start planning a future with some new guy that she has known for all of two minutes. Her attitude is very prissy but then he mentions he is a vegeterian and all of a sudden she does a compete 180 and her character completely changes. You need to have characters change more slowly and more believably rather than just out of the blue like that.

The ending was okay though, in the sense that at least it sort of wrapped things up nicely and you could feel that it was the end to the story.

Cheers,
Tim.
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sniper
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was somewhat boring actually. Talking heads. Not much else. The vegan/carnivore arguments were old and uninspiring. The characters were hardly fleshed out at all. The so called twist in the end was unbelievable. On top of that, I don't see how anyone could possibly call this script "Drama".

As for all the format errors and typos, I hope they're not intentional because...who would do that? Who would get a kick out of that?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:20am Report to Moderator
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I won't comment about typos. I'm a typo specialist myself.

About the story it was simply OK.  I guessed the final twist from the start. Too obviuos. I think the contest itself lacks strongest imagery. Not disgusting enough to my taste.


Michel


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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 9:33pm Report to Moderator
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Something tells me that Veronica will be tasting a hot dog very soon, given the fact that she left with a stranger.

Story was a tad predictable.  Now if Veronica was a carnivore killer who seduced Mark to get him into her home, maybe this scenario would have been believable.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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You know, when a script starts out like this...

FADE INTO:
INT. Byran’s car day
BRYAN GOODWIN is driving an old beat up Oldsmobile. He is in
his early twenty’s, skinny, sort of a dorky looking. Sitting
next to him is VERONICA WOODS a beautiful women, that has an
under delivered simplicity to her.

It's hard to want to continue. I will. Just telling you it's hard.  


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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The story is simple enough and kind of works. I liked the two twists. Didn't see either coming at all.  Main grief with the story for me was that she left her boyfriend. I understand she was disgusted by his meat eating, but without saying anything, not breaking up first? That seemed a bit unbelievable to me.

Last thing, you seriously need to proofread better. Your spelling is complete crap.

So, story was okay. Characters were okay'ish. The writing...pretty bad.


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