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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Living the Lie
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  Author    OWC - Living the Lie  (currently 2729 views)
c m hall
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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I like the excessive tension between parents, could almost hear the soap-opera music in the background to show where the dramatic pause and the exchange of meaningful looks would be.  Could easily be filmed.
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grademan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Techinical: Fade In and Fade Out missing, a few typos PEAT being the most glaring. Good attempt at differentiating dialogue. Hanging dialogue.

Story: No big shakes. Trying to set up rich parents with being well dressed and old-fashioned glasses. Jeeves? Drama was missing on this one. They talk around  a significant event and that's the scene I wanted to see. Or the fact that their son doesn't know.

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George Willson
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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FYI, an old-fashioned glass isn't a description of a glass; it's a style of glass. It appears the author was being very specific about the type of glass being used:



Old-fashioneds are the kind of glass used for brandy and other brown spirits. It's like saying they poured their drink into a cocktail glass or a hurricane glass.

Other than not paying attention to hanging dialogue, I don't really see formatting errors. The PEAT vs PETA is rather unforgivable as a typo since it just shows the author didn't proofread.

Fairly simple and easy to understand story though. Part of what ruins the "surprise" here is that we already know from the challenge what the secret is. Stereotypes aside, having the woman be the carnivore is a bit of a break from form since from a stereotype perspective, the woman is usually the vegan.

Not bad. Not good. But it's there.


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dogglebe
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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Like the others, this story didn't work for me.  It was just...there.  Formatting was good.  Nice clean descriptions.  But not enough of a story to be interesting.


Phil
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FDiogo
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Not much to say about it. Little visuals, lots of dialog, no action, drama or conflict. Didn't get involved.


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Coding Herman
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:07pm Report to Moderator
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Not quite sure about this. There are scripts that are basically setup to the punchline joke, but this one I couldn't even find the punchline. I guess it's the reveal that Kelly is not a vegan? But given the theme of the contest, we already knew it on page 1.

Once again two talking heads, the conflict is not powerful enough. Minimal story.

Sorry, it's just not for me.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 – Straight into a conflict.

You have dialogue wrapping over the bottom of the screen. Does this mean you are the same author as the last one I read?

Pg 5 – The dramatic conversation plays out okay, although since the exact subject has be concealed I guess it’s difficult to get that excited about it.

“PEAT members” – This is one of several typos.

Pg 6 – I guess the twist is okay, although it is pretty well sign posted.

Overall I like the dramatic discussion; however for me I’m not sure that the story has anything fresh about it.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from George Willson
FYI, an old-fashioned glass isn't a description of a glass; it's a style of glass. It appears the author was being very specific about the type of glass being used:



He didn't say "Old fashioned glass". He said:

Old fashioned styled glass.

If it was important to him/her, the writer, he would have showed that somehow.

I think it was sloppy writing. Not sloppy for OWC, but if we're into a myriad of rewrites, we'd "call" it because it's dubious for the reader.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe it's an old fashioned writer!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Dreamscale
Maybe it's an old fashioned writer!




That's just it. Many of us might write that without thinking and then in the re-write realize what a doozie!!! That's actually what I was thinking when I read it. George might be right, but I'd like to hear from the writer. I don't think he really meant a special sort of glass since the opening:

Dramatic music plays as...

Had me asking "What's dramatic music?"

The first few words sucked the big banana and thus my opinion on old fashioned style glass is rocketing out there!   What a stupid topic. Gotta send in that next stupid short of mine.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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I get the feeling that this is a send-up of soap operas.  The husband sounded more upset that his wife eats meat than if she had cheated on him.

At least the dialogue didn't have the carnivore vs. vegan usual banter.  The husband simply puts up with his wife's "indiscretion" for appearance's sake.

Simple story that was predictable only because we knew the rules of the contest.  If we didn't know the rules, I may not have figured out what they were talking about.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from TheRichcraft
I get the feeling that this is a send-up of soap operas.  The husband sounded more upset that his wife eats meat than if she had cheated on him.

At least the dialogue didn't have the carnivore vs. vegan usual banter.  The husband simply puts up with his wife's "indiscretion" for appearance's sake.


What I'm thinking right now, is that if this serious subject is reduced to banter--

AND IT HAS BEEN

And will be with many of our scripts, then why?

What's the magic ingredient that raises the topic of discussion?

Anyone have any mystical answers?

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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jwent6688
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, won't point out typos in an OWC, lest you say "vegen" when the entire concept is half about vegans. There just wasn't much story here.

James


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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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I only spotted two typos and Jeff already pointed them out.

Formatting error by having dialogue continue onto the next page without saying (cont'd) on the next page.

The story and the dialogue would have worked better if we didn't know what this was going to be about, but since I knew it fell very flat and was very dull.

Story was okay. Characters were okay and the dialogue and writing was okay...That's also the problem. Just okay.  Like eating tofu vanilla icecream. Add some spice and flavor and it will be more interesting. I'm sure you can do that in a rewrite.  


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George Willson
Posted: May 22nd, 2010, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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I originally thought there was only one typo, but having read several other scripts, I found that vegan was misspelled as vegen. That would be a typo of ignorance, as I never, never deal with that topic and didn't look up the spelling of it. But to those who said "several typos" please be more specific with yourselves.

Same with "multiple formatting errors." Really? Other than hanging dialogue, where exactly are there multiple formatting errors? Ok, so I should have done a page break there. I know that. I stopped fretting over format a long time ago. Spend more time on story.

As for the story, it was a total send up of a soap opera scene written to mirror a wife cheating on her husband. I thought that would be somewhat amusing considering the most obvious path this challenge would take. I try on these challenges to take a different route, which is why I also did not include the obligatory argument. I also made the wife the carnivore, and she did not convert at the end. She continues to pretend, but she'll fire up the grill later.

And Sandra, my explanation of the glass earlier is spot on. You were hearing from the author. I gave a description of a very specific glass to reflect what kind of alcohol he was most likely pouring in it. You can't see the name of a spirit, but you can see the glass. "Old-Fashioned" is a style of glass, not a description of what it might be.

And dramatic music is written in context. And it is open to interpretation. What kind of dramatic music do YOU think goes over the scene? If you hear superhero music...well, ok. Maybe I could have written "soap opera music" to help with this, but these are just blueprints for filmmakers. If the final director wanted superhero music, all power to him.

But in the end, yes this was only "ok." I wasn't 100% pleased with it, but since there wasn't much story to begin with, it would take some clever dialogue to make it kick. I may take some time at some point to revisit all my OWC scripts...


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