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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Dinner Serves
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  Author    OWC - Dinner Serves  (currently 2747 views)
Don
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dinner Serves by Anonymous - Short, Drama - Dogglebe decided two people eat. I created them. Hope you enjoy their dinner. - html, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Oh my, the vast majority of these scripts are just a complete hoot!  This, again, is so terrible, it's hilarious!

Is it a pisstake?  I don't think it is, but I sure hope so.  Every single mistake possible all crammed into a few poorly written pages...pure beauty!

The dialogue is God awful, once again.  The plot and story is completely non existent. The characters are literally a joke...I think.  I mean, c'mon...you say the butler is 20 years old...the waitresses are "young" (does that mean younger than 20?), and then we get a "young boy" for the chef?  WOW, pure comic genius!

I have to quote this one line (I'd like to quote more, but in reality, I could quote every single line) for a great example of what's wrong with the writing here...

"Man picks up his cutlery to cut and eat pork."

OK, so either this is a successful attempt at humor by writing terribly, or just God-awful writing, period.

Sorry, but this is really, really bad.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Ryan1
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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I would have to agree with Dreamscale on this one.  Everything from the formatting to the dialogue to the actual story was pretty  bad.  This seemed like an attempt at really dry Brit humor.  So dry that it vanished into the air.

If this was a pisstake, then the writer should have just gone for broke with all out comedy.  If this was meant to be a serious entry, go get yourself some good screenwriting software and start from there.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I imagined this to be meant to be an over the top kind of thing where there is a plastic feel to the characters.

Am I correct?

If you will indulge us more and supply more conflict and sarcasm, I think you can do something with this. As it is, it falls flat.

Still, you have a place to move up from and that's a good thing.

I did find this interesting in a weird way. But then...  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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greg
Posted: May 18th, 2010, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This was dull.  There's not really much for me to critique otherwise.  The logline alone hinted that probably not a lot of effort was put into this nor was it taken very seriously.


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khamanna
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 12:50am Report to Moderator
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From the logline - you clearly having fun deciding "two people eat".

The entry is very well written - I'm thinking if you're just joking why to waste time like that, you could just scribble something.

I enjoyed their dialog - they didn't fight, didn't go into "these or those are not right" - that was refreshing.

But the story is insubstantial for me.
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grademan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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Story: First date between a vegan and a meaty but the vegan doesn't tell her date. They are at a formal restaurant when the Man is served a roast pig.

This was ripe for conflict and sharp dialogue but went the polite and cute route. I did like how the vegan cut up the meat. I also noted the roast pig as a symbol for vegan hate. Next time, consider naming your characters, it starts to give them a personality.
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Andrew
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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This isn't a story, it's a fairly well-written example of what constitutes the structure of a script minus the meat. Bare essential storytelling, really.

Andrew


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Trojan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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So from the logline this must be written by a board member, the HTML clearly indicates this is not a serious entry. But it wasn't funny. Or interesting. Maybe that was the point perhaps? To write a dull script to indicate you thought the challenge was dull? I don't know, but whatever you were going for this was not a pleasant read.

Cheers,
Tim.
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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

“A long, bare and impressive wooden table sits in the centre of the room.
Lit candles line its centre. Various utensils are correctly placed upon it.” – So the table is bare with stuff on it? Also for me there are several elements of these sentences that could be tightened up without losing anything. Say “A long ornate table is lined with candles and set with utensils.”. Obviously a lot of people wouldn’t like that either, but hopefully it shows what I mean by tightening it up.

For me much of this could be tightened up. Do we need to know the detail of the waiters dish carrying skills?

Their discussion plays out interestingly, although I guess I was waiting for something else to happen.

It is a visually distinctive take on the challenge, however for me the story is a bit thin.


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Coding Herman
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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This sounds pretty dull. I was looking forward to what you're getting at and apparently there's no resolution to all the setup.

You don't have to introduce the numerous people coming in to prepare the dinner. It's a distraction to the real story.

Overall, nothing much to say. A very...too straightforward approach to this OWC's theme. It's not for me, sorry.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Made me hungry for pork, but nothing else.
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jwent6688
Posted: May 22nd, 2010, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Typical ren. Over descriptive in every way. Good dialogue, though he keeps it at a minimum, and tells us to do the same.

No story here, not worth telling. Surprised you entered, I didn't see you comment on anything thus far.

Hope all is well...

James


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rendevous
Posted: May 22nd, 2010, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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Thank you for all the reads folks. And thanks to those who commented.

No matter what you said, all comments are appreciated.

I can't see why HTML is good enough for web pages yet not good enough for scripts.

You folks do know how to adjust your browsers, don't you?

I got sick of Adobe. Good programs but I hate the way they hog everything and act too virus like. Found FoxIt much better. Oh, by the way, I don't like Apple much either. Not unless we're talking Beatles.

Now. I see many disliked my little scene. Ah well. I was trying to get it to do 'exactly what it says on the tin.

No story? A man takes a woman on a first date isn't a story these days? What do you want, Karl Sosea to blow fuck outta the place? I dunno. Where is my whiskey,

Nice Belt, sorry, pic Me. V nice.

Love and pieces,

R x

EDIT: I see Dreamscale is still a fan. Thanks Man! Love ya too. You really should stop beating round the bush and just tell me whatya think, baby. Keep it cruel dude.

I didn't name the characters as I really didn't see the need. Their names are not important. Their actions and words are. This is a short. Less than ten minutes. Why would they need names. Do we have imaginations.

The words are for actors. I see some want me to tell them everything. If I did they would then complain of overwriting. Ho hum. Me be sticking to me plan. Me like it.

I didn't write the logline, by the way. I forgot to include one as I was going to the pub. Again.

Keep cooking kids.

Love and sweeties and all that.

Ah. The whiskey was beside my keys.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  May 22nd, 2010, 5:07pm
Oh you know. Bita this, bita that. Arse cookies etc.
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rendevous
Posted: May 23rd, 2010, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
I would have to agree with Dreamscale on this one.  Everything from the formatting to the dialogue to the actual story was pretty  bad.  This seemed like an attempt at really dry Brit humor.  So dry that it vanished into the air.

If this was a pisstake, then the writer should have just gone for broke with all out comedy.  If this was meant to be a serious entry, go get yourself some good screenwriting software and start from there.


Er. Oh. Dear me.

Should I have gone for broke? I know what it's like being skint. Like Mark Steel says, you end up rooting do backof sofa for pennies to buy a bag of frigging crisps. You may call them chips. If you must.

An attempt? Another fecking bush beater. Is there a fire?

Sorry you didn't like. Ho hum. I did like John tho. He was a stand up geezer. Pity he left so soon. Jim is good 2. But, not a patch on bro. Shame.

Anyways. Thank you for read. Once my holes are dug I'll work on Q.

L&P

Er.



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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Forgive
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 4:05am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Quoted from Andrew
This isn't a story, it's a fairly well-written example of what constitutes the structure of a script minus the meat. Bare essential storytelling, really.

Andrew


I'd agree with this - it felt like it was skillfully written, but it lacked any creative juices to make it exciting/interesting. The woman appeared feisty at one point then a little submissive later on; and the guy came accross as a little limp - that may have been intentional, but I think that stronger characters make for a more interesting read.
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rendevous
Posted: May 28th, 2010, 8:44am Report to Moderator
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SC7,

Fair points made. By both yourself and AA.

I'd a couple of actors and a director in mind when I wrote it. They're interested but I'll believe it when I see it. I wish them the best. They do tell me they like it and it'll work. So, we'll see. Or maybe we won't.

I find a good healthy dose of cynical but quiet attitude is helpful for a scriptwriter when promises are made. This can always be amended when promises are kept.

Thank you for the compliment about the writing skill. I can't argue with the rest of your points either as reading it now shows your opinions have some foundation.

I think the script probably needs a good rewrite. I do like 'bare' but this seems to need a bit more meat on its bones.

Thank you for the read.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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