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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Bleeding Green
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  Author    OWC - Bleeding Green  (currently 2873 views)
c m hall
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 6:51am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

peninsula of Jersey
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Lots of good moments in this script, I especially like the "fell off your bike" moment between the girls.  
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Posted: May 21st, 2010, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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--> Over There
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This has great potential story-wise, unfortunately, it looks as if suffered from the limited page length the OWC implies. The ending seemed a little crammed in, sortaí forced, like you were trying to jack up the drama as much as possible to go out with a bang.

Adversely, for me at least, I found the final scenes at the garage the least interesting part of the story. I was much more involved with Heatherís fitting in to her new school and her blossoming friendships between her and the polar opposites of Daniel and Troy/Cassandra which you developed brilliantly. I would love to see you go back to it, maybe expand into something more rounded when you don't have any restrictions to deal with.

As it stands, this was still exceptionally good for a week's work, clever, snappy dialogue, engaging plot/characters and solid formatting. In fact, the writing as a whole from a technical standpoint was top notch, clean and concise.

Well done.

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Coding Herman
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Toronto, Canada
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This is an engaging read. Believable characters and dialogue.

However, there are some plot points that you might want to clarify in the re-write. Heather's confession to Troy and Cassandra seem to come a bit too soon. Heather just met them the first day and she just told them everything. Maybe had her hesitate more before she confesses.

I didn't understand why Troy betrayed Cassandra. What did Cassandra do to receive such treatments?

Writing is very good, didn't find any typos. Top-notched formatting.

One of the best OWC entries.


- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Posted: July 17th, 2010, 4:20pm Report to Moderator

Florida, USA
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I thought I had posted a response for this, but obviously, I didn't. Thanks very much to all for taking the time to read, share your thoughts and suggestions.

To clarify a few details: Most people had the most trouble with Troy and Cassandra's relationship. I tried to set up in subtext the possessive nature, but didn't clarify enough. When Cassandra saw that he was going to shoot Daniel, she objected, which resulted in her "falling off her bike." Troy was a violent, unpredictable dude, even to his friends.
The agriculture class in High School can have a mix of grades in it.
The ending was tricky. Hereís the explanation. Troy is a snotty, rich kid who comes from a snotty rich family who hangs out with other snotty rich familys, including the judges and the police-they felt that, even if they told the cops, they would not believe them. They would take Troyís word over theirs, so they didnít bother. They would handle this problem themselves.
The family popularity in the community is the reason for his brother playing for the gators, and the fact that Troy doesnít is a hurtful dig by Daniel.
Troy couldnít see past his own sense of self-rightousness, even to the point of hurting someone else.  So he is over the top, but naturally he canít see that.
Too many characters? Yeah, Iíd agree. Heatherís mom was basically just there to give an introduction to Heather,  which was already done in Mr. Timís class. A bit redundant.
I didnít like the shooting, other than the obligatory visual of the sign exploding. A knife would have given Daniel a better shot, but Troy was too much of a coward.  In actuality, Troy had never fired a gun before, which I could have dropped in conversation somewhere.  Leans a bit heavy on coincidence, Iíll agree.
I liked the title. Usually Iím awful at them, but this one seemed to fit quite nicelyÖPerhaps Iíll borrow it for a thriller about a mad vegan who wants to take revenge on the meat eating world, despite the lovely amnesiac who holds the secret to stopping his dastardly planÖHMMM

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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