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First off i liked the title, i thought that was pretty cool! the script itself had its moments, i thought the dialog was kinda weak, it really didn't feel true for a lot of it. i think the premise itself is good and thought was actually put into this so you get marks for that. the ending was pretty unbelievable, i don't think cops would let that go down, especially with teens involved. still this was a good effort.
I spotted a clue as to who wrote this! Unless, the writer deliberately stuck it in to confuse us? Hmm...
Good script. Everything was set up nicely. The cast were realistic if somewhat cliched. It sort of built up to a big ending. But things got a little muddled for me then; maybe the changing locations or the fact that I'm dead tired from work last night.
Anyway, this had a lot of thought put into it, so a good solid week's work.
I liked the direction you went with it. Some of it was kind of unbelievable in my opinion, such as Troy's super-dickery. He kind of seemed like a comic book villain, but maybe that's what you were going for. On the other hand, this was a good look into the hypocrisy of people who are really, really into their beliefs. Guy works at a slaughterhouse so Troy wants to shed blood. It's hard to believe that this happens, but the reality is it happens all the friggin' time.
The other characters I liked. Some of the dialogue was a little exaggerated but that's what you may have been going for. Why Heather continued to talk with Troy after he cut her rather than storming out is a bit of a mystery.
Another one of the few that had a real story and some thought had been put into. It was pretty good and a solid effort for a week.
I had a few problems with it though. Not sure how Heather is 16 yet in the same classes as the others who are 18. How does that work? Troy and Cassandra are the 'it' couple and explained as having a heap of attitude, but we don't actually see this. A guy who is as preachy as Troy is unlikely to be the coolest kid in his school. What was with the football reference about his brother, did I miss something there?
I couldn't see any motivation for Troy to beat up Cassandra. It just came completely out of the blue and don't know what she did to cause him to react that way. Felt a bit forced to suit your plot.
There were a few typos and things, nothing too major. Overall it was a good effort.
I liked it. Had a bit of a problem following all the plot in and outs for the final third. I was curious about the brother not playing football, why Cassandra was beaten by Troy, and why Heather's mom wasn't a bigger source of conflict... but hey it's your story and a damn good for one week's work.
Troy was clearly a character an actor would want to play -- he's just so crazed and mulit-faceted. High school cool with an off the wall belief system. With the right tweaking this could be an interesting little horror bit. If you wanted to. Now, I am rambling.
BTW, excellent title. I half expected a sister of superman bit when I saw the name Kent in the logline. Green being the color of Kyrptonite. Sorry, I ramble yet again.
EDIT: This line killed me: "Heather sits by herself at a lonely table."
I know exactly who wrote this one. Publix. The Gators. Do I need to go on?
Anyway, I liked it a lot. You're writing was good as usual. A couple of typos, but who cares when the rest works.
I liked that you went beyond just the carnivore/vegan argument, but showed how far some activist groups are willing to go for their cause. Excellent! George should like this, because it wasn't just a pro vegan - anti meat eater thing.
Characters were good. Dialogue was good too, but I missed some of your Southern drawl you usually have.
My only question was why Cassandra was beaten...
I enjoyed this one and think this is one of the better ones in this OWC.
IMO, this is most likely the best script of the bunch. I think it would have benefited from a couple extra pages though, as a few things needed a little more explaining...or maybe a few things just needed to get cut.
Plot/structure/story - all good. Writing very good for the most part but alot of typos/missing words/additional words/and grammar errors. I can let them slide, as it's an OWC and overall, I think it was very well done.
Great effort whoever you are...wink...wink...wink.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Pg 1 – “HEATHER, 16 and attractive” – Minor point, I’ve heard it said that everyone in movies is good looking by default, therefore a description like “attractive” doesn’t tell us anything.
The first scene is great for engaging us with the character and subtly giving us her backstory.
Pg 2 – The dialogue in this is strong. Perhaps the new kid in school is a bit well worn as a story, but you’re telling it well.
Pg 3 – “Cassandra and Troy get up.” – Seems kind of odd that they sit down and almost get straight back up again. Similarly if I was being picky I’d ask why Daniel came to sit with her in the first place.
Pg 4 – “I trust we won’t have any similar issues here, correct?” – For me I think this might be a bit too much on the bad reputation build up. Perhaps it’s enough for him to say he knows who she is.
Pg 5 – “INT. LIBRARY - MOMENTS LATER” – I think I’d put DAY instead of MOMENTS LATER. Typically these extensions are for production purposes (lighting) and are DAY or NIGHT unless there is a really good reason to do otherwise.
Pg 9 – That’s kicked off some drama.
Pg 11 – The drama is really moving now.
Pg 14 – “It’s a miss” – A pet peeve of mine, with all the advantages of the situation, why does he miss?
Pg 15 - “I suppose I owe you one” – She let the guy take a shot at him, and relied on blind luck that he’d miss. He should hold out for a better hero!
Other than that I like the ending.
Overall, this is really well done. I like the twisted nature of the ethics and the four distinct characters. Heather and Daniel are particularly good.
As a short I wonder if this takes a little bit long to really get going. Also I think you need to iron out the flow of it near the end. Perhaps you ran out of space.
This writer packed a lot of story into fifteen pages. This was definitely one of the more serious entries. You can tell a lot of thought went into this. Hell, even the title makes you think.
That said, I think there were some definite flaws. Some of the dialogue was really on the nose and, frankly, just not believable for a high school kid:
TROY Oh, that? Nothing to it. Merely a scratch. Certainly no more severe than what you yourself delivered at Lakeshore High.
I do like how you delved into the extreme animal activism, which I think this script is the only one to do so. I know you had limited page space, but I would have liked to known more about what set Troy down this path of radical thinking.
The beating of Cassandra...a bit much and distracted from the focus of the story. We already know Troy is a bad guy, no need to hammer it home.
The ending was an action packed little passage. Nice little wrap up with the nerd girl getting her guy. So, all in all a solid effort. Not without its problems, but a good effort for one week.
This has great potential story-wise, unfortunately, it looks as if suffered from the limited page length the OWC implies. The ending seemed a little crammed in, sorta’ forced, like you were trying to jack up the drama as much as possible to go out with a bang.
Adversely, for me at least, I found the final scenes at the garage the least interesting part of the story. I was much more involved with Heather’s fitting in to her new school and her blossoming friendships between her and the polar opposites of Daniel and Troy/Cassandra which you developed brilliantly. I would love to see you go back to it, maybe expand into something more rounded when you don't have any restrictions to deal with.
As it stands, this was still exceptionally good for a week's work, clever, snappy dialogue, engaging plot/characters and solid formatting. In fact, the writing as a whole from a technical standpoint was top notch, clean and concise.
This is an engaging read. Believable characters and dialogue.
However, there are some plot points that you might want to clarify in the re-write. Heather's confession to Troy and Cassandra seem to come a bit too soon. Heather just met them the first day and she just told them everything. Maybe had her hesitate more before she confesses.
I didn't understand why Troy betrayed Cassandra. What did Cassandra do to receive such treatments?
Writing is very good, didn't find any typos. Top-notched formatting.
One of the best OWC entries.
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
I thought I had posted a response for this, but obviously, I didn't. Thanks very much to all for taking the time to read, share your thoughts and suggestions.
To clarify a few details: Most people had the most trouble with Troy and Cassandra's relationship. I tried to set up in subtext the possessive nature, but didn't clarify enough. When Cassandra saw that he was going to shoot Daniel, she objected, which resulted in her "falling off her bike." Troy was a violent, unpredictable dude, even to his friends. The agriculture class in High School can have a mix of grades in it. The ending was tricky. Here’s the explanation. Troy is a snotty, rich kid who comes from a snotty rich family who hangs out with other snotty rich familys, including the judges and the police-they felt that, even if they told the cops, they would not believe them. They would take Troy’s word over theirs, so they didn’t bother. They would handle this problem themselves. The family popularity in the community is the reason for his brother playing for the gators, and the fact that Troy doesn’t is a hurtful dig by Daniel. Troy couldn’t see past his own sense of self-rightousness, even to the point of hurting someone else. So he is over the top, but naturally he can’t see that. Too many characters? Yeah, I’d agree. Heather’s mom was basically just there to give an introduction to Heather, which was already done in Mr. Tim’s class. A bit redundant. I didn’t like the shooting, other than the obligatory visual of the sign exploding. A knife would have given Daniel a better shot, but Troy was too much of a coward. In actuality, Troy had never fired a gun before, which I could have dropped in conversation somewhere. Leans a bit heavy on coincidence, I’ll agree. I liked the title. Usually I’m awful at them, but this one seemed to fit quite nicely…Perhaps I’ll borrow it for a thriller about a mad vegan who wants to take revenge on the meat eating world, despite the lovely amnesiac who holds the secret to stopping his dastardly plan…HMMM
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper