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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Veil of Blood - OWC
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  Author    Veil of Blood - OWC  (currently 4398 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Veil of Blood by Ryan Lee (ryan 1) - Short, Gothic Horror - A young woman ventures to her uncle's crumbling plantation in 1874 Louisiana. 12 pages, 6 characters, unrated thus far - pdf, format


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Don  -  October 29th, 2011, 4:56pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Definitey not bad.  Solid effort.

IMO, it took way too long to get to the story and action, and when it did get to the "good stuff", it proved to not be as good as it probably should have/could have,

I would have liked to see more ghost, but you did meet the challenge.  Had a semi-Gothic feel, but proabaly not completely what I'd call Gothic Horror.

Writing is pretty good,  A little novelistic for my liking, but much better than I'm used to seeing in an OWC.

Good effort any way you look at it.  Congrats on completing the October OWC!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written, loved the language and really heard the southern drawl come through in the flavour.
Scene headings should not be bold.
There was one element missing for me that is the misunderstood aspect of the brief, but that is my translation of the rules.
Her dead Aunt turns up to save her at the end, there should be more of a build up, hints and clues that lead us to that point naturally rather than feeling forced.
Very enjoyable.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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This one also follows the literal interpretation of the OWC.
Lovely descriptions, for a novel, not a screenplay.
I tend to visualize too much as well, it kills a story.
Do I really need to know they dine on duck and wild rice?
Or, does it at least give me insight into your characters? Nope.
So, why did I need to know that?
Your prose gets better as the story unfolds, albeit a tad slow.
The sacrifice gone awry has been done often.
I dug the veil part, and you have a misunderstood ghost.
Great effort expended on the atmosphere.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

Very good.  The best thing I've read so far.  Picturesque, good beats in the dialogue, nice cuts between scenes.

Just *one* or two things I'd probably change...nothing major:

1) Love the descriptions.  They could be streamlined - just a touch.  Not so much as to take away from the flavor (which is very important in this piece.)  But a small trim - to keep the pace moving slightly quicker.

2) Needs a line that explains how Louis chose Coralie to be his victim.  And how he expects to keep it a secret, given their familial ties.

3) Completely understand why Daphne protected Coralie.  But another line, hinting at her reasons for choosing her over her husband would seal the deal.  Yes, he'd turned evil.  But a single additional line (if subtle and well worded) might be a good thing.

Kudos.  VERY classy story.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hello Augustine Forte,

A solid effort. A few comments,

Bold slug lines - I personally like them but many don't
The descriptions were a bit heavy for me, I found it a harder read because of it
The blood veil element was good but the lead up to it was not so clear and it then required an explanation as to why this was happening, almost like the reveal a the end of a TV who dun it.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Fabulous atmosphere.

The slow pace fitted the mood. The characters and the setting were excellent, so was the dialogue.

Would have liked to have seen a few things develop organically and without having to be told everything in exposition...see more of the ground and see the decay for ourselves for instance, or get to meet the strange Monk face to face rather than have him simply explained.

There was a good amount of tension built up, but it unfortunately fell a bit flat for me with the simple "Deus Ex Machina" appearance of the ghost. I didn't feel the set up of the ghost was nearly enough to justify her interference. On top of that...the old ghost saves the day thing is now starting to grate..not your fault I know....but unfortunately it's impossible to judge things in a vacuum.

Very good effort though. You have a natural feel for this kind of Southern Gothic. I'd read/watch more of your work in ths style.

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Scar Tissue Films  -  October 16th, 2011, 9:39am
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grademan
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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VEIL OF BLOOD

I liked the atmosphere in this.

Gothic yes, ghost yes, criteria met.

The narrative was a tad overwritten but that’s where the atmosphere originates so not that critical. For some reason the defining moment in the script was the butler looking sadly at Coralie.

I wondered about the ending and then realized it had come full circle to the beginning. That was an acceptable ending but maybe a little more is needed. Though after a finale like that, it’s better to just close it down.

The dialog also was effortless except for the Latin. The passage where Louis calls Coralie “ravishing” set up the ending.

Thanks for sharing your story.

VERY GOOD
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Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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This certainly met the criteria of this OWC.  Serious Goth here.  I'd disagree with some of the other posters who thought there was too much overdescription.  If there's one genre where I think you need deeper detail to really nail down the feel of the setting, Gothic horror is it.

I'm not a fan of bolded sluglines, although I have been seeing them more and more often lately.

The ghostly element sort of felt shoehorned into this story.  Like the owc guidelines demanded it, so ghosts had to appear somehow.  I wouldn't call the ending "Deus ex Machina" because the ghost did tell the girl to "Run" before that.  But, I would have preferred it if the girl had somehow found a way to save herself.

That's what I call an over the top ending with the bloody bride running away from the flaming house.  But it does fit the history of the genre.  So, good job for a week's work.
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leitskev
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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The thing that made me happiest was how the writer used "fade out" AND "the end". Was that done to tweak the anal folks? If so, I applaud.

The writing here was well above average for the OWC's. Ant-bellum gothic, I love it. Well described setting. It flirted with being too descriptive for a short, but because it was well done it works. Dialogue was very natural, well spaced, authentic.

The story was decent but didn't blow me away. There really was not a lot of tension or conflict until the end. Basically, most of the story was set up, and then a quick conclusion.

Man, shorts are a lot tougher to create than I ever imagined. This was set up very skillfully...for a feature.  Shorts are tricky. This was an 11.5 p short, and 8.5 pages were set up. I won't say that's necessarily bad, but I feel something is missing. There were no powerful engines driving the story. Even the girl is really just a pretty, innocent face. We don't know anything about her or what she wants. I don't recall her having any goal.

The antagonist, Louis, is the one we know the most about. But he doesn't really have an arc of any kind. He comes off as cranky in his first line, we suspect he is the villain, and nothing transforms him in any way. We don't even get a strong sense of his love for his wife until he tries to bring her back.

All in all, one of the better ones I've read of this OWC. It is a little hollow, however, devoid of anything powerful or memorable, and the ending robs the protag and the antag of doing anything interesting, as the ghost comes in and kicks ass. There have been several of those, though this was the best executed.

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leitskev  -  November 1st, 2011, 11:06am
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The writer obviously put a lot of work into this one and it shows. I think the gothic vibe is nailed with all of the strong impressions created with the visuals. I think it really teeters on the edge of very well done and not so well done.

I'm thinking that maybe it's lacking enough of the tension and suspense to really drive us forward, but hey, that's life and death in gothic.  

Note that you have some excess here as in this:

>of the dim basement.

We already knew we were in a basement from the slug so you needn't repeat it.

>what were once lush, rolling lawns.

I’m going to give you heck for this. Not because it couldn’t work. IF, we see the dissolution from lush green into choking weeds.

Although I get this totally:

>But a musty staleness pervades everything.

Everyone’s frekin’ and rushin’ around. “My god! Good Lord! Non filmable! Non filmable! Holy crap! Non-non-non!”. So yeah, just show someone feeling that musty staleness. (What the hell?) Yeah. Show it.

I don’t mind if you write this:

A house cloaked in shadows of former glory.

But I want to see what that former glory is. A picture of it on the wall perhaps? A tiny article of some sort that boils all of that glory down into something that you might be able to hold in the palm of your hand?

>A dark figure stands there.

Those dark figures start to get on one’s nerves after awhile, don’t they? Make him count for more.

Now others might not like it but here’s a suggestion regarding this:

>Coralie opens the lid of her trunk. She reaches in, grabs a dress, then walks to a beautifully crafted mahogany wardrobe and hangs it.

**Later, she turns to see the lid is closed.

If it were me, I’d underline it. Of course, you don’t want to be underlining and capping everything, but I would find it much more striking to see. Especially since I know how fast some of these “readers read”. They might wind up in some brain freeze at some moment, dreaming about G-d knows what and miss it entirely.

With regards to the cheval mirror. Almost had one in my script, but I opted for a smoky one instead. ☺ But I really wish I owned one of those babies.

>She runs down the candlelit corridor.

Does she run down or run up? Toward us or away from us? I guess we’ll leave that for the director. ☺ But Ima still wonderin’.

The following is good in essence but let’s look:

CORALIE
How long was your journey, Brother?

LOUIS
Oh, forgive me, cher. Ottavio
speaks only Italian and Latin. Luckily, I still retain a certain fluency in Latin from my school days.

Coralie sits down, followed by Louis. She sips her wine.

CORALIE
What order is he from?

LOUIS
Oh, he was a Benedictine.

CORALIE
Was?

LOUIS
You might say he...worships in
a new church now. I heard of him through my European contacts.
8Coralie takes another sip of her wine. Ottavio watches her with dark, hawk-like eyes.

LOUIS
You see, he's come to restore Belle
Vie. To return it to splendor. Coralie rubs her eyes, sets down her wine glass.

CORALIE
But how, Uncle? You said the fields
were salted. How could... Her head sways, her eyelids droop.

LOUIS
When all earthly attempts fail, one
must look elsewhere.

**Just because Ottavio speaks only Italian, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t speak at all. I’m bringing this to your attention because I’ve had a lot of situations where I’m with a mixed group of people and we speak different languages. Everyone, always tries to communicate except:

Due to variations in character or situation. For instance:

Maybe they are very shy. Maybe they are afraid because they don’t want to be noticed or are hiding something etc… So. Just be careful. I think you can rightly get away with it here, but I just wanted to point that out.

➢     It coalesces into a human figure.

I’m proud to say I didn’t have one “figure” in my script this time around…

I’m just funnin’ with ya. Nothing wrong with a figure. Butchya know, figures come in all shapes and sizes. Try and nail it more.

You did a lot with environment and that's excellent. As always, I'd like to see more character.

Sandra









A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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The logline doesn’t really tell us what the story is about. It sounds like a travel program on public television.

A lot of the early description is great but I think it’s wasted on a night setting. Maybe it would be better to start in daylight and let night descend.

Other than that, the description is wonderful. This writer should consider writing a novel.

As a script, I liked it. With the right direction, the right mood set, it would make a nice short. Although it’s doubtful it will ever get produced due to cost. Still, it’s a nice script with strong description and a solid story.

Good job.


Breanne


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c m hall
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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The last three pages of this piece make it worthwhile, in my opinion, that's a wonderful ending.  
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ReneC
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Great tone, truly gothic. It felt like the opening to Dracula, very similar in style. The writing is solid, the dialogue is good and could be great with some tweaks. Overall a good job.

The story itself is lacking, predictable and without much content. The structure also needs work, there are empty scenes and some scene intros and exits could easily be chopped. I feel you're a competent, even skilled, writer but perhaps new to screenwriting. Whether or not that's true, your unique voice comes across clearly and you're on the right track. Good job on the writing, with some additional content and editing this could be a great piece.


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jwent6688
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Dunno much about gothic horror, but from what I've read, it's about setting. The author takes their time here bringing the atmosphere to life. The bold slugs need to go. Did Bert write this?

At the same time, this doesn't kick into gear until page 9. I did not mind, because the writing was so good. It actually out-performs your story a bit. I felt this was an opening to a much longer script. A script I would've continued reading with the extra pages. Would love to know what those Latin words meant. Maybe when the writer chimes in...

As far as the challenge, I thought this was definitely one of the better entries. Good job completing the OWC...

James


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