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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  All That Remains - OWC
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  Author    All That Remains - OWC  (currently 4416 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All That Remains by Breanne Mattson - Short, Gothic Horror -  A woman hires a team of ghost hunters to contact her sisterís spirit and solve her murder. 12 pages, 5 characters, PG Rating - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 25th, 2012, 10:47am
revised script
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GM
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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I get a "not found error" page here.

Gabe
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c m hall
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this, the first half better than the second -- but there's a good story in here that could be expanded into a feature, for sure.  The whole backstory about finding souveniers deserves to be written.   Good work, especially for a OWC.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Clean writing - I like this one on that level.  And I found the characters more entertaining than the shorts I've read so far.  So kudos.  )

Unfortunately, the story itself didn't work for me (as it's currently written) for a few reasons.

* Why was Tim so snarky and cynical?  He's the one who volunteered to go on the hunt with the rest of the crew

* Emma as a ghost - she was there from the beginning of the story.  Usually, ghosts are relatively ethereal things - so my gut reaction is that having her around from the beginning just doesn't work.  She's interacted with the rest of the characters way too much for her being a ghost to be believable.

* Why would Emma/Erin think that a seance would bring forth the killer?  As far as she knows, the killer's halfway around the world by now, and would have no way to know that they were bringing in ghost hunters anyway.

All that said, if the story were reworked...a tale about a man who kills a woman who finds his treasure...  That's got potential.  Would be interesting to see what you do with it.  
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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This has potential, the characters were varied and enjoyable.  The "twist" didn't work for me for the reasons above - I felt a little cheated as I beleive twists should have clues and subtle foreshadowing so that the observant reader has a chance of figuring it out.
Solid writing and good idea.


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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This one feels like a refurb from last yearís open OWC.
Right down to the guy in the wheelchair and coastal setting.
Add a character and remove the storm, then presto.
Apologies if Iím wrong. Itís a gut instinct.
I think itís endemic of the literal interpretation of the theme.
The ghostly happenings read pretty hokey, trances, etc.
This feels more like teen murder mystery than a gothic tale.
Weíve also got another misunderstood ghost in the mix.
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Hello Beryl

I liked this and thought it was well written with a nice pace of reveal that changes the readers expectations as it progressed.

However, I share the disappointment in the ending.

The speech from Hicks about seemed a bit too exposed for me, like the reveal in a murder mystery when the killer thinks they will get away with it. Yet, it wouldn't take much to change this.

Solid writing.


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Scoob
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:36pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this quite a lot up until the finale - it was being well built up but I felt it was a let down.  Just raised too many questions and felt it contradicted the tone of the first half.  
A ghost being, or pretending, to be a ghost hunter is a good idea but it just didn't work for me, the ending lowered the bar.

I did enjoy the set up and premise, nice setting too. Misunderstood ghost? Possibly. Gothic...umm, unsure.

Good writing, enjoyable read.
Nice job,



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Ryan1
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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This was okay, but didn't feel Gothic at all, except maybe for the cliffside setting.  No real surprises, including the identity of the killer.  That was way too obvious.  This is one of those stories that would probably work better without the rule of the "good ghost" showing up at the end.    

Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  October 19th, 2011, 10:40pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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The good news - I read the entire thing because the writing wasn't bad at all.

The bad news - Reads like a Scooby Doo cartoon.  The reveal of Hicks being the killer was so far from a surprise.  Dialogue was quite painful.  No Gothic Horror, IMO.

Sorry, but the story here was pretty weak.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This is well written although it does feel very canned to me.

The gothic theme doesn't feel evident, only that it's kind of like a teenage murder  mystery ghost story.

I think that Erin/Emma needs to have some kind of small foreshadowing that she is indeed a ghost. Something that the audience can remember as shown so as not to feel that they were deliberately lied to for the sake of plot.

As to the title, I don't think it's anything memorable as in the likes of Our Lady of Eternal Suffering. That one really tied the script with the title.

So yes, yours was definitely a good script. I think it just misses the mark though when compared to a few others that I've read so far in this challenge. High mark for your intro with the mood. I saw myself as being over in Newfoundland or something. Really good job with that.  

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ReneC
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Great opening, you set up the scene and the tone remarkably well.

Overall this is quite good. You have the elements of a great story here, but it's too ambitious for the page limit of the OWC. It deserves to be double the length or could be a feature with more characterization and set-up. Currently it's too quick and convenient.

I hope you develop it further.


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dogglebe
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILER SPACE
SPOILER SPACE

A ghost hires a team of ghost hunters to help find her killer by faking a diary in hopes of luring him out in the open?  Sounds like a Scooby Doo cartoon to me.  

This story didn't really do it for me.  It wasn't gothic, IMHO.  It was just dramatic.  Too many things were going on to set a proper mood.

A big mistake in your opening description (pet peeve!):


Quoted Text
A short distance down a winding path sits the old light keeperís house, now a bed and breakfast with a burgundy roof and picket fence.


How do we know that this use to be the light keeper's house?  And that it's not a B&B?  You shouldn't tell us these things; you should show us.  A large sign in front of the property, saying Lighthouse Keepers Bed and Breakfast would do.


Phil
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rdhay
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, but a bit meh I dunno about everyone else, but I knew Hicks was the killer when she told him about the diary, so the twist wasn't much of a twist.

Still, it has potential. Good job on submitting a nice effort
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greg
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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I had to reread the opening because I got confused with who was who.  After that I finally figured everything out and thought this was clever.  

I think the fake diary kind of defeats the purpose of the twist because Hicks winds up killing Erin anyway.  So it's, like, what's the point?  

Joan, I think, can be removed altogether.  I didn't feel her character did much and Tim was just awkward all around.  Those two brought the story down IMO.  

But this was pretty good.  Interesting idea and I liked the twist.  Good job.

Greg


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