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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  The Open Casket - OWC
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  Author    The Open Casket - OWC  (currently 6619 views)
rc1107
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Poe by far is the standout character, with his lady tools.  That was fun.

Very well written for the most part, too.  However, I did feel a couple hiccups with the dialogue, though.

"Your odious dwarf is dead!"
"No matter."

Just read stale to me.  So matter of fact.  Not all the dialogue mind you, but just some of it didn't ring true to my ears.  However, I have been very concentrated on dialogue lately, so it could just be me looking too deep into things.  Or it could just be the word odious, because at first, I read it in my head as odorous and I couldn't help but laugh.

Pia brings up a very good point about the furniture.  If this takes place in 1806, wouldn't it still be rather new furniture?  It wouldn't be antique, yet  :-)  I just thought it was a funny point.

I also have to agree that this is the best of the bunch so far.  Excellent job.

Hmm.  Those detailed slugs on the first few pages are making me wonder.  Are people actually starting to listen to Jeff, now, or did he actually enter?

There is one fail in this one, however.  The PG rating.  Just a little too much detail in the violence.  It'll definately pass for a PG-13, though.

Good job on this one.

(Here's a note several hours later after I wrote the original review.  (I read this one this afternoon, but I'm not posting until now.))

I took a look at some of the recent comments about dialogue.  It's not that the dialogue was bad at all, and that's not what I was talking about in my reply.  But I do remember reading lines that didn't seem to match the vibe of the rest of the dialogue.  It seemed off of what we were already hearing.  Besides the one I mentioned above, I can't think of any other examples exactly offhand, but I can point out a few more examples when I do a reread.


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leitskev
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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Agreed, Mark, good points.
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Eoin
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 8:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReneC
Your descriptive passages are rock-solid, beautifully written. I love the tone and setting.

The characters are cliché and two-dimensional but that actually works in your favour. We know these characters because we've seen them a thousand times before. The story is what really drives this piece. The twist comes almost without warning, it would actually be better without that single warning of "I'm sorry!" to Melinda. You probably felt it was necessary to satisfy the requirements of the OWC but consider cutting it if you decide to polish this further.

The dialogue, however, is terrible. It tries far too hard to fit the period when it's clear you don't know the language of that period. If you do re-write this you should bring it to a more contemporary setting or conduct a bunch of research to fully grasp Old English before attempting it again.

An excellent read, one of my favourites, despite the poor dialogue. However, this would fail on the screen because of the dialogue. I'd gladly read the rewrite.


This is set in Austria - from what I understand this is not supposed to have Olde English dialouge, just a period feel - that's exactly what it achieved.
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ReneC
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not going to defend my review and further de-rail this thread. I stand by it, it's up to the author whether or not to accept the note. Based on the contrary views about the dialogue I may very well be in the minority, that's up to the author to decide.


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darrentomalin
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Just ahd a thought - If the room has "antique" furniture, maybe it's antique from the perspective of someone living in the 1800's...  


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, I am glad I wasn't able to put my script together for this one because the story I was working on was similar to this one (a man brings his lover back from the dead only for her to kill him at the end).

The writing here is excellent though.  

I think I know who wrote this, too.

I liked the story, but I have to agree with bert about having the girls change places at the end. Maybe show Melinda's tortured eyes in the painting of Madeline???

Very well done though.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Charles and Madeline gush at each other? Think you got a name mixed up. While on the subject of names, I think your names are too similar. Corwin and Charles, Madeline and Melinda. I don’t know if there’s some reason but it gets jumbled.

The bond snapped? Seemed kind of convenient. I guess sometimes you have no choice but still...

The ending was out of nowhere. Madeline wanted revenge? For what? By all accounts, Corwin genuinely loved her.

Overall, it’s got some solid writing but needs a little more development, both with characters and with story. Good effort, though.


Breanne


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from grademan
Thank you for the story. Excellent!

Personally, I think the author chose the two M names on purpose.

Yeah, Wonkavite is right, a little foreshadowing of her hatred would put a shine on this.


Gary


Me too, Gary. And even as it is, it's got loads of shine!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, I liked that.  

Obviously someone was watching a lot of Vincent Price movies.  Once I pictured Vincent Price as Corwin the whole thing worked for me.  

Well done - I think I know who you are -  good job for a week.  

My fav so far.
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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I finished this and said "Hey, where was the ghost?" Since it was like possession and not true "ghost" for me.
Gothic tone was nailed.

Dialogue was great, I had a fun time reading it.

Very descriptive, I pictured everything perfectly.

Good job.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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This was very well written, IMHO.  The darkness, the fear, suspense, it all came out nicely.  It had a very nice build up (maybe a little slow at first).  


SPOILER

I wasn't happy with Madeline blindsiding her husband the way she did.  She, supposedly, loved him and out of the blue, she hates him.  I know women change their minds like that, but this one is dead.


Phil
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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This one is my favorite of the ones I've read. When can we start guessing who wrote what?


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leitskev
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Top of my list still, too. I still have I think 9 more to read. In theory, there are other scripts that could have a more interesting premise or might intrigue a producer, but this is the only script I've read that really executes the way a script should. Some things to tweak, but IMHO, this one is rock solid, and the only one that is.
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 11:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe

I wasn't happy with Madeline blindsiding her husband the way she did.  She, supposedly, loved him and out of the blue, she hates him.  I know women change their minds like that, but this one is dead.


I think she had to blindside him, otherwise he wouldn't have gone ahead with the ceremony and she would never be able to get her revenge.
Could have done with a few more clues to the audience that she was planning to betray him, she had waited 16 years for revenge and had to tread carefully.
But then, that was the twist, that she only wanted to "come back" to exact revenge. The fact she released Madeline after the deed was done indicates that she isn't evil, just vengeful.  Thats why she apologised, knowing that she would have to perform a terrible deed through Madeline.
Daz



http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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bert
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dogglebe
I wasn't happy with Madeline blindsiding her husband the way she did.


To the author's credit, early in the script he has Corwin ask, "And forgiveness?"

Implying that he has done something that needs to be forgiven.

And we can assume she is still holding a grudge, it would seem.

So the author does try to at least hint at this, and I think given more pages (and a little more time), this aspect of the story would have been fleshed out a bit better.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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